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Canadian  Institute  for  Historical  Microraproductions  /  Institut  Canadian  da  microraproductions  historiquas 


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plaire  qui  son!  peut-dtre  unkjues  du  point  de  vue  bibll- 
ographiique,  qui  peuvent  modifier  une  image  reproduHe. 
ou  qui  peuvent  exiger  une  modifk»tk>n  dans  la  m^tho- 
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colorations  variables  ou  des  decolorations  sont 
film^es  deux  fois  afin  d'obtenir  la  meilleure  image 
possible. 


D 


This  Htm  is  filmed  at  tha  rtduction  ratio  chaclied  btlow  / 

Ca  documant  aat  titmi  au  uux  da  rMuction  indiqua  ci^axouc. 


lOx 

14X 

18x 

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26x 

30x 

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12x 


16x 


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24x 


28x 


32x 


Th«  copy  f<lm«d  h«r«  hn  b—n  r«produc«d  thank* 
to  th«  g«n«rMitv  of: 

UkaliMd  Unlvarslty, 
QiMiMllor  Paterson  Library, 
Thundar  Bay 

Th«  imago*  appooring  horo  aro  th*  baat  quaiity 
poaslblo  conaMoring  th*  condition  and  logibiiity 
of  tha  original  copy  and  in  liaoping  with  tha 
filming  contract  apaeif ieationa. 


Original  copia*  in  printad  papar  cover*  ara  filmad 
beginning  with  tha  front  covar  and  anding  on 
tha  laat  paga  with  a  printad  or  illuatratod  impraa- 
*ion.  or  tho  back  covar  whan  appropriata.  AH 
othar  original  copiaa  »rm  filmad  beginning  on  tha 
firat  paga  with  a  printad  or  illuatratad  impraa* 
*ion.  and  anding  on  tha  laat  paga  with  a  printad 
or  illuatratad  impra**ion. 


Tha  laat  recorded  frame  on  eech  microfiche 
*h*il  contain  the  symbol  ^^  (meaning  "CON- 
TINUED"), or  the  symbol  ▼  (meening  "END"), 
whichever  applies. 

Map*,  plate*,  eharu.  etc..  may  be  filmed  et 
different  reduction  ratio*.  Tho*a  too  lorge  to  be 
entirely  included  in  one  expoaure  ere  filmed 
beginning  in  the  upper  left  hand  corner,  left  to 
right  and  top  to  bottom,  a*  many  frame*  a* 
required.  The  following  diagram*  illu*trata  the 
method: 


L'exempiaire  film*  fut  reproduit  grlea  A  la 
g4n«ro*it«  da: 

Lakahaad  ttifverslty, 
Chanoallor  Pataraon  Library, 
Tiwndar  Bay 

La*  image*  suivanta*  ont  «t*  reproduites  avac  la 
plua  grand  *oin.  compta  tenu  de  la  condition  ct 
do  la  nettet«  de  I'Momplaira  film*,  et  tn 
conformity  avac  lea  conditiona  du  contrat  d«> 
filmage. 

Lea  aiiemplairea  originauM  dont  la  eouvertura  an 
papier  act  imprim4e  aont  film**  en  commencant 
par  la  premier  plat  et  en  terminent  soit  par  la 
damlAre  page  qui  comporte  une  empreinte 
d'impreaaion  ou  d'illuatration,  *oit  par  la  second 
plat,  selon  le  ea*.  Tou*  lee  autre*  exempleires 
originaux  sent  filmaa  en  commencant  par  la 
premiere  page  qui  comporte  une  empreinte 
d'impreaaion  ou  d'illuatration  at  an  terminent  par 
la  darniire  page  qui  comporte  une  telle 
empreinte. 

Un  dee  symbole*  suivanta  tpparattra  sur  la 
darniAre  image  de  cheque  microfiche,  seion  le 
cas:  le  symbole  ««•  signifie  "A  SUIVRE".  le 
symbole  ▼  eignifie  "FIN". 

Le*  carte*,  plenche*.  tableaux,  etc..  peuvent  ttro 
fllm«*  A  do*  taux  da  reduction  diffirants. 
Loraqua  la  document  est  trop  grand  pour  Atre 
reproduit  en  un  soul  clich«.  il  est  film*  A  partir 
de  I'angle  supArieur  geuche.  de  gauche  i  droit*. 
et  de  haut  an  be*,  an  prenant  la  nombre 
d'imegea  n*ca**aira.  Le*  diagramme*  suivants 
illuatrent  le  mithode. 


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(ANSI  and  ISO  TEST  CHART  No.  2) 


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^    /1PPLIED  IN/HGE 


1653  East  Main  StrMt 

Rochester,  New  York        U609      USA 

(716)  482  -  0300  -  Phone 

(716)  288- 5989 -Fa« 


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Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman 
Question 


By 

Marietta  HoUey 

Jos/aA  Allen  on  the  Woman 
^estion 

lUvMtrited,  i6mo,  doth      .     .     net^i.oo. 

A  new  volume  from  the  pen  of  Miu  Holley, 
marked  by  such  quaint  thoughtfulness  and  timefv 
reflection  a«  ran  through  "  Samantha."    All  who 

^^il  e  H  *"""'*  *°  '««'  *^"«'".  "  indeed  they 
should,  for  they  will  have  done  some  hearty 
laughing,  and  have  been  ••  up  against  "  some  bits 
of  stnkmg  philosophy  delivered  with  point,  vigor, 
and  chuckling  humor.  '    »    » 

Samantha    on    the    Woman 
^estion 

lUuitratcd,  i6mo,  cloth      .     .      net^i.oo. 

"  Thb  is  the  book  we  have  been  waiting  for. 
What  Samantha  doesn't  know,  isn't  worth  know- 
"•^r-:*?"  ,*•»"*  »  I'ttle  humor  on  a  situation 
which  IS  becoming  too  intense.  We  hope  it  may 
have  a  wide  circuUtion  in  England,  for  Samantha, 
who  believes  in  suffrage,  does  not  believe  in 
dynamite,  gunpowder  and  mobs." 

—Examiner. 


Cmas  C-- 5:  ••""-• 


"  She  made   me  think  that  minute  of  them  big  rocks  when 
I  was  tryir'  to  plough  'round  'em  "  (see  p.  82) 


Josiali  A'icii  u7\  tlie 
Worn  ni  Ou(  ,rion 


k 


vhcii 


H  r 


i  ♦■ 


"■'W*^-' 


C 


c    |J. 


Josiah  Allen  on  the 
Woman  Question 


By 
MARIETTA  HOLLEY 

-/  Saratoga,-  «  M,  Opinion,  and  ^„y  BoUtttW 


*u. 


ILLUSTRATED. 


New  York        Chicago        Toronto 

Fleming     H.     Revell     Company 

London         and  Edinburgh 


PS 

CI 


Copyright.  1914.  by 
FLEMING  H.  REVELL  COMPANY 


New  York:  i$8  Fifth  Aveniw 
Chicago:  135  North  Wabash  Ave. 
Toronto:  35  Richmond  Street,  W. 
London:  31  Paternoster  Square 
Edinburgh:     100  Princes   Street 


lOTSV 


Contents 


I.  In  Which  I  Resolve  to  Write  a 

Book 

II.  In  Which  Betsy  Bobbett  Butk  In 

III.  I  Talk   on  Wimmen's  Duty  to 

Marry 

•  •  • 

IV.  1  Talk  on  Man's  Protectin'  Love 

FOR  WiMMEN 


V.  Wherein  I  Prove  Man's  Courtesy 

Towards  Wimmen     . 

VI.  I  Talk  on  Females  Infringin' 

VII.  About  Wimmen's  Fooush  Love 

FOR  PeTICKULARS 

VIII.  I  Talk   on  Wimmen's  Extrava- 

gance       .        .        , 

IX.  The  Danger  From  Wimmen's  Ex- 

aggeration 

•        •        . 

X.  The  Modern  Wimmen  Condemned 


9 

25 

39 

59 

74 
96 

113 

>3S 

«5i 
169 


[5] 


! 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

Oppoiite 
Page 

I.  "She  Made  Me  Think  That  Minute 
OF  Them  3ig  Rocks  When  I  Was 
Tryin'  to  Plough  Round  'Em"  .    .  title 
II.  "And  She  Looked  As  If  She  Would 

Sink  Down  In  Her  Tracts"   ...    42 

III.  "Till  She  Gets  'Em  All  Rousted  Up, 

AND  Just  Boy  Cote  That  Man  Till 
He  Has  to  Keep  Hullsome  Food"    .  120 

IV.  "JosiAH/'    Sez    She,  "a    Hen    Don't 

Cackle  Till  She  Lays  Her  Egg"    .  138 


IN  WmOH  I  BESOLYE  TO  WRITE  A 
BOOK 

FOR  years  and  years  I've  been  deeply 
wownded  in  my  most  sacred  feelin's 
and  my  reason  has  been  outraged 
by  my  pardner,  Samantha's,  writin'  agin 
the  righteous  cause  of  man's  superiority 
to  wimmen. 

But  though  my  feelin's  have  been 
rasped  and  almost  h'eedin'  from  the  un- 
just wownds  I've  kep'  still  and  let  her 
go  on  with  other  headstrong  and  blinded 
females,  and  argey  and  deny  man's  sole 
and  indefrangible  right  to  oversee  and 
order  the  affairs  of  the  universe,  and 
specially  the  weak  helpless  female  sect, 
the  justice  of  which,  it  seems  to  me,  a  in- 
fant babe  might  see  without  spectacles. 

I  have  curbed  in  my  wownded  sperit 
and  my  mighty  inteleck  with  almost  giant 
strength,  and  never  let  'em  have  free  play 

[9] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

in  public  print  to  dispute  and  overthrow 
them  uroneous  doctrines. 

And  my  reason  for  this  course  has  been 
twofold.    First,  as  any  male  Filosifer  and 
female  Researcher  knows,  that  owin'  to 
her  weakness  of  inteleck  and  soft  nater, 
a  woman's  mind  gits  ruffled  up  easy,  and 
that  rufflin'  up  affects  her  cookin'.     And 
under  a  too  severe  strain  a  female  has 
sometimes  forgot  to  be  promp  with  her 
meals,  and  not  notice  seemin'ly  that  her 
pies  wuz  runnin'  out,  and  the  cookie  jar 
gittin' empty.    Such   things,  no   matter 
how  strong  a  man's  inteleck  is,  has  a  del- 
eterious effeck  on  his  internal  system, 
which    reacts    on   his   branial  cranium. 
And  I've  been  afraid  of  the  consequences 
if  I  onleashed  the  lion  in  me,  and  an- 
swered and    crushed  her  onholy  argu- 
ments in  cold  type. 

And  my  second  reason  wuz  that  in 
spite  of  her  almost  blasphemous  doctrine 
that  wimmen  are  equal  to  men,  I  knowed 
that  under  them  mistook  idees  it  wuz  a 
lackage  of  good  horse  sense  and  not  inher- 
ient  depravity  that  ailed  her.    I  knowed 

[lO] 


In  Which  I  Resolve  to.  Write  a  Book 

that  if   Samantha  wuz   only   willin'  to 
settle  down  peacefully  in  the  shelter  and 
shade  of  man's  powerful  strength  and 
personality,   there    never  wuz   a  better 
woman  or  a  neater,  equinomicler  house- 
keeper on  earth  than  Samantha  Smith 
Allen,  and  as  a  maker  of  cream  biscuit 
and  apple  dumplin's,  and  a  frier  and 
briler  of  spring  chickens  never  outdone 
and  seldom  equalled.    I've  argued  in  pri- 
vate life  with  her  till  my  jaws  ached  and 
my  lungs  wheezed  with  incessant  labor. 
Have  experimented  in  various  ways  and 
appeared  before  her  daily  for  years  as  a 
shinin'  sample  of  man's  superiority.    But 
never  1  never  have  I  been  able  to  make 
her  own  up  how  inferior  her  sect  is  to  the 
more  opposite  one.     But  as  I  say,  as  long 
as  I've  suflfered,  I  have  never  before  took 
my  rightful  place  in  literatoor,  never  took 
the  high  peak  waitin'  for  me  to  set  down 
on,  while  I  hurled  the  thunderbolts  of 
convincin'  eloquence  down  upon  the  fe- 
male wimmen  squirmin'  beneath  me. 

But  I  dassent  wait  a  minute  longer.     I 
have  got  to  put  a  stop  to  the  awful  doin's 

["] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

goin'  on  around  me.  And  if  my  worst 
forebodin's  are  realized,  and  I've  got  to 
starve  it  out,  I  will  offer  myself  a  hungry 
victim  to  Duty,  and  die  with  my  manly 
principles  enfoldin'  my  gant  form  like  a 
nalo  of  glory.  But  mebby  I've  waited 
too  long.  I  tremble  to  think  on't.  lort 
to  made  the  move  sooner. 

For  things  are  growio'  worse  and  worse 
all  the  time,  female  wimmen  are  risin' 
up  on  every  side  claimin'  to  be  equal  to 
men,   talkin',  preachin',  hikin',  paradin' 
With  lyin'  banners,  vowin'  with  brazen 
impudence    that   since    they    bear    the 
iluancial  and  legal   burdens  of  citizen- 
ship, they  ort  to  be  citizens  of  the  U  S 
and  since  they  bear  children  they  want 
to  protect  'em  in  the  house  and  outdoors, 
and  so  on  to  the  end  of  their  windy 
arguments.    Want   to  be  citizens  I  how 
^n  they  be?    Hain't  the  eagle  a  male 
bird?    And  what  duz  E  Pluribus  Unum 
mean  ?    Why,  we  men  translated  it  years 
ago-Eminent    People    Us-Us    males. 
And    every  fool    knows    that  wimmen 
hain't   a    people,    hain't  a  citizen  and 

[I2] 


In  Which  I  Resolve  to  Write  a  Book 

never  has  been.    Jest  think  on't,  weak 
wimmen,   underlin's,  as  they've  always 
been  legally  and  politically  considered, 
dashin'  and  hikin'  about,  bilin'  up  like 
foamin'  billers  of  froth  and  folly  threat- 
ening to  engulf  our  noble  Ship  of  State. 
I've  knowed  how  a  strong  minded  man 
wuz  needed  to  grasp  holt  of  the  helium 
and   try  to   steer    that  poor  staggerin' 
wobblin'    wimmen    tosted    crafk   into  a 
haven  of  safety,  into  some  place  where 
men  can  agin  enjoy  their  Heaven  born 
rights  to  rule  the  world  and  bo^   round 
the  female  sect,  and  to  turn  tht    frothy 
turbulent  feminist  tide  sweepin'  out  into 
broad  paths  never  meant  for  it  to  sweep 
in,  into  the  shaller  narrer  safe  channels 
it  is  fitted  for.    I  had  decided  not  to  tell 
Samantha  about  my  great  book  aginst 
Female    Suffrage    till  it  wuz  writ  and 
published  and  the  crash  come.    But  the 
very  day  I  begun  my  immortal  work  she 
wuz  cookin'  a  young  duck  with  dressin', 
and  the  delicious  uroma  come  like  in- 
cense to   my  nostrils,   and  insensibly  it 
softened    my  feelin's.     And    I  thought 

[13] 


Jodah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

mebby  I  ort  to  prepare  her  for  what  would 
be  the  effect  of  my  book  on  her  sect,  and 
the  world  at  large.    We'd  lived  togetlier 
for  years  and  outside  of  her  uroneous  be- 
liefs she'd  been  a  kind  and  agreeable 
companion,  a  fur  better  cook  and  house- 
keeper than  any  Aunty  Suffragist  I  ever 
see  or  hearn  ca,  and  had  been  a  help  and 
comfort  to  me ;  she  wuz  bakin'  a  plum 
puddm'  too,  and  some  Hubbard  squash. 
And  as  I  inhaled  the  delicious  odors  I 
felt    more   and    more   soft  and  meller 
towards  her,  most  as  soft  as  the  squash 
And  so  I  broached  the  subject  to  her 

Sez  I,  "  What  do  you  think,  Samantha. 
about  my  great  projeck  of  destroyin' 
female  suffrage  ?  What  do  you  think  of 
my  writin'  the  book  ?  " 

I  said  the  words  and  paused  for  a  re- 
ply. The  kitchen  wuz  clean  and  cozy,  the 
cheerful  fire  blazed;  Samantha  sot  with 
smooth  hair  and  serene  face  in  a  new 
gingham  dress  and  white  apron,  choppin' 
some  cabbage  and  celery  for  a  salad -all 
wuz  peace  and  happiness. 
As  I  spoke  the  fateful  words  it  seemed 
[14] 


In  Which  I  Resolve  to  Write  a  Book 

as  if  old  Natep  herself  wuz  listenin'  and 
peakin'  in  through  the  kitchen  door  to 
see  what  would  happen.    What  would  be 
the  effect  on  Samanthaf    I  dreaded,  yet 
waited  for  the  result     Would  she  over- 
whelm me  with  reproaches  and  entreaties 
to  stop  and  not  ruin  her  sect?    Would 
she  be  overcome  and  swoon  away  ?    And 
the  appaulin'  thought  come  to  me  onbid, 
if  she  did  who  would  finish  up  the  dinner  ? 
As  I^  asked  the  question  she  paused  with 
the  cL    ,pin'  knife  in  her  hand  and  sez : 
"  Wuen  I  wuz  a  girl  we  had  a  Debatin' 
School,  and  there  wuz  one  feller  that  we 
always  tried  to  git  on  the  side  opposite 
to  us,  his  talk  and  arguments  wuz  such  a 
help  to  us.    I  hain't  no  objections  to 
your  writin'  the  book,  Josiah."  And  then 
she  resoomed  her  work  with  her  line- 
ment  cam  as  ever.    I  fdt  relieved,  but 
couldn't  see  what  sot  her  off  to  tellin' 
that  old  story  at  this  juncter,  and  can't 
to  this  day,  but  set  it  down  to  female's 
inability  to  grasp  holt  of  important  ques- 
tions, and  answer  'em  in  a  straightforward 
way  as  males  do. 

['5] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

J}J""'.'^  "'"'"  ^  "^S""  ""y  6'«»t  work 
of  atompm'  out  Woman's  Suffrage  that  I 

muat    proo<«d    careful;    wimmen   had 

so  with  their  fool  arguments,  lectures 
parades  etc..  I  must  plough  though  W 
and  make  my  way  clear  every  step  I  took 
80  no  clackin-  arguin'  female  could  rise 
up  and  dispute  'em. 

verVl!i'^°"' *"  "'""'  '■*"«'««  "^'k  to  the 
very  begmin',  and  there  in  the  dim  light 

holt    .  .If""'"'  '^"y  °^  Time  to  grl 
Jrote^  to*'  --""'werable  argument^ha^ 
proves  to  every  reasonable  mind  wimmen's 
nferionty  and   man's   greatness.    And 
then  chase  'em  back  agin  through  the 
centuries  up  to  the  present  tim!,  and 
^ei^  corner  'em  and  break  down  th^r 
fl.msy  arguments  of  equality,  and  crush 
em  forever.    And  make  an  end  to  this 
male  disturbin',  world  opsettin'  In^ 

back    nto  history  as  fur  as  I've  doven  I 
want  to  give  suitable  credit  to  my  chnmb 

without  no  hamperin'  female  tiesdrawin' 

ti6] 


In  Which  I  Resolve  to  Write  a  Book 

on  him  and  holdin'  him  back,  he's  had 
more  time  than  I  have  to  devote  to  arioua 
study  and  research  on  the  subject,  and 
has  been  a  help  to  me.  Not  but  what  I 
could  have  equalled  him  or  gone  ahead 
on  him  if  I'd  been  foot-loose.    But  8a- 

raanthaandthebarnstockwuzonmyback 
and  fambly  cares  kep'  me  down.  But 
after  he  mentioned  to  me  certain  things 
he  had  studied  out,  I  told  him  I  had 
thought  of  them  very  things  more  than 
one  hundred  times,  but  hadn't  had  time 
to  write  'em  down. 

Why,  in  the  very  first  beginin'  of  time, 
we  find  the  great  fact  that  smashes  female 
equality  down    into  the  dirt  where  it 
belongs.     We    find    that    wimmen   wuz 
made  and  manufactured  jest  because  men 
wuz  kinder  lonesome.    As  Uncle  Sime 
well  sez,   "  It  wuz  jest   a   happen  that 
wimmen    wuz    made    at    all.      Adam 
happened  to  feel  kinder  lonesome  alone 
on  that  big  farm,  and  probable  needed 
wimmen's   help.     And   he  happened  to 
have  a  extra  rib  he  could  spare  as  well  as 
not,  and  so  wimmen   wuz  made  out  of 

[17] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 


that  spare  rib.  But/'  sez  Uncle  Sime, 
**  Adam  would  have  been  la  well  agin  off 
if  Eve  hadn't  been  made,  and  I  should 
have  told  him  so  if  I  had  been  there." 
Sez  he  bitterly,  "  Men  hain't  been  lone- 
some  since  wimmen  wuz  made.  Oh,  no  1 
she  has  kep'  her  clack  goin',  and  kep' 
men's  noses  down  on  the  grindstun  ever 
sence." 

"  Well,"  sez  I,  "  Simon,  it  wuz  noble  in 
Adam  to  be  willin'  to  lose  one  of  his  ribs 
to  make  her,  for  who  knows  to  what  hites 
men  might  have  riz  up  if  he  hadn't  parted 
with  it.  If  us  men  have  riz  up  to  such  a 
hite  with  one  rib  lackin'  who  knows  how 
fur  we  should  have  gone  up  with  the  hull 
on  'em." 

"  That  hain't  the  pint,"  sez  Uncle  Sime. 
"  The  pint  is,  how  dast  wimmen  feel  so 
big  and  claim  to  be  equal  to  us  men, 
when  they  think  how,  and  why,  and  what 
out  of  they  wuz  created.  Wimmen  ort  to 
feel  thankful  and  grateful  to  men  that  she 
wuz  made  at  all.  How  would  she  felt  if 
she  hadn't  been  made?  I  guess  she  would 
feel  pretty  cheap  and  not  put  on  so  many 

[18] 


In  Which  I  Resolve  to  Write  a  Book 

airs,  and  be  hikein'  round  preachin'  to 
ber  superiors." 

In    his    excitement  Uncle  Sime  had 
enunciated  that  crushin'  argument  in  a 
ruther  loud  tone.     We  wuz  settin'  on  the 
l^ck  stoop  and  Samantha  comin'  out  to 
shake  the  table^jloth  must  have  hearn  it. 
But    instead   of  actin'  humiliated  and 
crushed  by  that  masterly  argument  she 
looked    at    us    kinder   queer   over  her 
specs,  folded  her  tablecloth  camly  and 
said  nothin'.  ^ 

And  after  she  went  in  U   )le  Sime  re- 
soomed    his    unanswerable    arguments. 
Why,  beside  Bible  proofs  I  can  prove 
It  m  a  scientific  way.   Weigh  up  a  man's 
bones  in  the  stillyards  and  they'll  weigh 
one  hundred  pounds  more  or  less,  jest  the 
bones.    And  now  jest  think  on  the  pre- 
posterous idee  of  that  one  little  rib  bone 
a  risin    up  right  in  the  face  of  science 
and  reason,  and  pretendin'  to  be  equal 
to    the    hull    carcass.    And    worse   yet 
tryin    to  stomp  on  him  and  bring  him 
down  to  her  level  by  votin'.     Why  if 
Adam  had  hearn  to  me  and  kep'  that 'rib 

[19] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

bone  where  it  wuz,  jest  think  what  the 
world  would  have  escaped,  think  of  the 
jealousies,  angers,  revenges,  weariness, 
expenses,  wars,  ruin  and  bloodshed 
caused  through  the  centuries  by  changin' 
that  rib  bone  into  &  female ! " 

I  wuz  astounded  to  see  how  deep  Uncle 
Sime  had  doven  into  the  great  mysteries 
of  human  existence,  not  but  what  I'd 
have  thought  it  out  myself,  if  I'd  had 
time  from  fambly  cares. 

But  Uncle  Sime  went  on,  **  Jest  think, 
Josiah,  of  wimmen's  wild  and  turbulent 
doin's  and  the  commotions  and  troubles 
and  sufferin's  wimmen  has  caused  males, 
and  then  think  how  quiet  and  peaceable 
that  rib  wuz  before  it  had  been  meddled 
with,  and  brought  into  the  woman  ques- 
tion. A  layin'  there  in  Adam's  dde  on- 
questionin'  and  cam.  Never  startin'  up 
and  argyin'  with  the  liver  or  diafram, 
never  sassin'  the  spinal  collar,  or  dis- 
putin'  the  knee  jints,  that  one  small 
bone  risin'  up,  and  demandin'  the  rights 
tha»  justly  belong  to  the  hull  carcass. 
Oh,  what  lessons  to  female  suffragists  can 

[20] 


I 


In  Which  I  Resolve  to  Write  a  Book 

be  drawed  from  that  scientific  fact,  and 
how  fur  they  can  be  drawed." 

As  long  as  I'd  knowed  Uncle  Sime  I 
never  had  realized  before  he  wuz  such  a 
deep  thinker,  and  had  such  a  fund  of 
scientific  knowledge  to  back  up  his  argu- 
ments. Of  course  I  had  'em  too,  all  on 
'em,  layin'  dormer  inside  on  me. 

Of  course  it  made  a  tremendous  stir  in 
Jonesville  when   the  startlin'  news  got 
out  that  I  wuz  writin'  a  book  agin  female 
suffrage  with   the  settled  intention  and 
firm  determination  of  puttin'  an  end  to 
it  forever.    It  lifted  me  up  to  such  a  tot- 
tlin'  hite  in  the  estimation  of  the  male 
Jonesvillians  that  it  would  have  gin  a 
weaker  man  the  Big  Head  and  made  'em 
liable  to  fall  off.    But  such  is  my  strength 
of  mind  that  I  kep'  cool  on  the  outside, 
talked  in  a  friendly  and  patronizin'  way 
to  Samantha  and  the  neighborin'  wim- 
men,  associated  with  the  folks  that  had 
the   honor  to  live  round  me,  and  wore 
the  same   hat.    The  Creation  Searchin' 
Society  of  Jonesville    called    a   special 

[21] 


I  I 


i 


Jodah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

njeetin'  to  congratulate  me  and  them- 
selves on  havin'  their  views  on  the  infe- 
riority of  wimmen  disseminated  in  my 
book  through  the  entire  habitable  globe. 
I  knowed  my  beliefs  regardin'  wimmen 
wuz  the  same  as  theirn,  for  we  had  often 
laid  them  views  out  side  by  side  and 
compared 'em  together.  And  Uncle  Sime 
Bentley  when  I  first  told  him  on't  shed 
tears  of  joy  and  sez  he : 

"  At  last,  at  last  the  men  of  Jonesville, 
the  male  men,  are  goin'  to  be  hearn  from, 
and  did  justice  to."  And  he  grip  holt  of 
my  hand  in  one  of  hisen,  and  with  the 
other  he  wep'  onto  his  bandanna  hand- 
kerchief tears  of  pure  joy  and  thankful- 
ness. 

Deacon  Henzy,  Solomon  Sypher,  Dea- 
con Bobbett  and  a  lot  of  other  bretheren 
in  the  meetin'  house,  talked  to  me  about 
the  forthcomin'  book  with  a  solemn  joy 
and  triump  in  their  linements  and  told 
me  to  consider  and  weigh  well  every 
word  I  writ,  up  to  the  very  ounce, "  For," 
sez  they,  "  the  broad  onwinkin'  eye  of 
the  World  is  on  you  and  in  that  eye  we 

[22] 


E 


In  Which  I  Resolve  to  Write  a  Book 

male  Jonesvillians  have  been  demeaned 
and  lowered  and  looked  down  on  by  the 

abominable  things  that  wuz  writ  by " 

But  I  riz  up  my  right  hand  and  arm 
in  a  noble  jester  of  warn,  and  sez  I,  "  Not 
one  word  agin  Samantha,  bretheren,  not  a 
word  I " 

They  see  the  stern  wild  glare  in  my 
eye,  and  turned  it  off  by  sayin',  "  Things 
have  been  writ  by  a  female  who  shall  be 
nameless,  that  has  had  a  tendency   to 
make    us  male  Jonesvillians  objects  of 
contemp.    And  the  uroneous  and  blasphe- 
mous idee  has  been  disseminted  in  them 
writin's  that  females  are  equal  to  males, 
and  want  rights  that  we  know  they  don't 
need  or  deserve,  rights  that  will  bring  'em 
to  the  brink  of  ruin  if  not  held  back  by 
a  manly  arm.    Now  it  is  in  the  power  of 
a  male  Jonesvillian  to  lift  his  sect  up  on 
the  hite  he's  been  partially  knocked  off 
of,  by  them  writin's,  and  put  the  weaker 
inferior  sect  down  into  the  holler  place 
where  they  belong.    It  is  your  honor  and 
your  privelige,  Josiah  Allen,  to  let  the 
hull  world  see  how  superior  to  females 

[23] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

how  noble,  how  grand  is  the  male  man- 
hood of  Jonesville  U.  S.  A." 

It  wuz  a  solemn  occasion,  but  I  riz  up 
to  it  and  told  'em  I  laid  out  in  my  book 
to  make  such  a  change  in  public  opinion 
that  it  would  shake  the  very  pillows  of 
society,  but  sez  I,  "After  the  shake 
and  the  quake  is  over,  things  will  settle 
down  in  their  proper  place  agin.  And 
then  as  of  old,  men  will  take  their  posi- 
tion as  master  and  females  their  proper 
place  as  the  tenderly  governed  class, 
lookin'  up  agin  meekly  to  male  men  as 
their  nateral  gardeens  and  protectors." 


ii 

i 


[24] 


II 

IN  WHICH  BETSY  BOBBBTT  BUTTS  IN 

OWING  to  the  inclemency  of  the 
inclement  weather,  and  the  hard- 
ness of  the  wood  ^slippery  ellum) 
I  would  had  to  split  for  extra  fires,  I  did 
the  writin'  of  my  great  work  of  destroyin' 
Female  Suffrage  in  the  common  settin' 
room.  I  didn't  feel  above  it.  As  I  told  Sa- 
mantha,  many  a  immortal  work  had  been 
writ  in  a  garret,  and  even  in  a  prison 
(namely  by  Mr.  Keats  and  Mr.  J.  Bunyan 
and  others). 

She  didn't  dispute  me,  she  kop'  right 
on  with  her  usual  housework,  bakin',  etc., 
and  I  almost  thought  the  delicious  uroma 
of  her  vittles  which  come  in  from  the 
contagious  kitchen  wuz  a  inspiration  to 
me.  So  dificult  it  is  to  tell  what  tiny 
springs  feeds  the  great  spoutin'  fountain 
of  genius. 
On  the  mornin'  I  made  this  memorable 
[25] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

remark  jest  quoted,  I  hadn't  more'n  got 
started  on  my  masterly  work  and  wuz 
settin' almost  drownded  in  the  bottomless 
sea  of   Thought   while    Samantha   wuz 
parin' some  apples  for  pies,  havin'  fetched 
her  pan  into  the  settin'  room,  when  the 
magestic  onward  and  upward  flow  of  my 
thought  wuz  arrested  or  dammed  up,  as 
you  may  say  figuratively  speakin',  by  the 
tall  awkward  obstacle  of  a  onwelcome 
female    figger.    It    wuz    Betsy   Bobbett 
Slimpsey  who  came  in  with  a  red  and 
green  plaid  shawl   wropped  round  her 
gant  form,  and  a  yeller  fascinator  on  her 
humbly  head. 

Fascinator!  Who  wuz  fascinated  by 
it  ?  ^  I  wuzn't,  no  indeed  I  And  so  light- 
nin'  quick  is  my  mind  to  ketch  holt  of 
any  argument  illustratin'  wimmen's 
weakness  of  inteleck  to  transcribe  in  my 
volume,  that  I  methought  instantly  how 
that  one  article  of  Betsy's  attire  showed 
plain  the  inferiority  of  her  sect  that  I 
wuz  tryin'  to  prove  to  the  world.  As  I 
glanced  at  it,  my  eager  soul  questioned 
my  active  mind,  "  Did  you  ever  ketch 

[26] 


In  Which  Betsy  Bobbctt  Butts  In 

a  man  wearin'  anything  on  his  head  with 
such  vain  silly  names,"  and  my  mind 
thundered  back  to  my  listenin'  soul, "  No  I 
no  sir  I "  The  strong  brain  within  the 
manly  head  would  spurn  such  a  coverin', 
and  tread  it  into  the  dust.  A  man's  fas- 
jination  consists  of  sunthin'  inside  his 
skull,  his  powerful  brain,  his  invincible 
will,  not  in  a  flimsy  woosted  affair  knit 
with  a  tattin'  hook.  With  what  hauty 
coldness  would  a  man  spurn  it,  if  his 
wife  tried  to  put  it  onto  his  noble  head 
to  wear  to  meetin'  or  to  a  neighbors. 

But  to  resoom.    Betsy  passed  a  few 
triflin'  onimportant  remarks  about  the 
weather,  her  hens,  her  husband,  etc.,  but 
my  keen  eye  pierced  through  her  outward 
demeanor,    which    she    tried    to    make 
nateral,  and  I  see  she  had  a  ulterior  object 
in  comin'  out  so  early  in  the  mornin'. 
And  soon  it  broke  forth  in  speech,  and 
she  u.tered  the  bold  presumptions  request 
that  I  would  let  her  insert  some  of  her 
poetry  writ  before,  and  after  her  marriage, 
in  my  great  forthcomin'  volume. 
For  a  minute  I  wuz  almost  stunted  and 
[27] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

stumped  by  the  brazen  impudence  of  the 
idee,  that  I  would  let  a  female  have  any 
part  however  small  in  that  grand  work 
proolaimin'  and  provin'  the  superiority  of 
my  sect.  And  havin'  a  mind  so  powerful 
and  many  sided  it  can  ar  both  sides  to 
once,  I  methought  how  onbecomin'  it 
would  be  in  me  and  how  meachin'  to  let 
females  take  part  in  a  work  designed  to 
be  the  ruination  of  'em,  or  that  is  the 
ruination  of  their  claims  to  be  equal  to 
the  sect  I  wuz  nobly  representin'.  How 
could  I  grant  her  request  without  sinkin' 
down  to  the  low  female  level  7 

No,  I  answered  her  promp  in  the  neg- 
ative. But  she  clung  to  f*.  3  idee  as  clost 
as  she  ever  clung  to  the  various  men  she 
had  paid  attention  to  until  her  doom  wuz 
sealed  and  she  had  with  herculeanium 
efforts  won  Simon  to  be  her  pardner. 

Sez  she  pleadin'ly,  "  Josiah  Allen,  do 
let  me  insert  some  of  my  poetry  on 
woman's  spear  in  your  noble  volume.  I 
feel  that  my  poems  deserve  immortality, 
but  they  won't  never  git  there  if  a  man 
don't  help  me  to  lift  'em  up." 

[28] 


In  Which  Betsy  Bobbett  Butte  In 

That  idee  wuz  indeed  grateful  to  me, 
it  naterally  would  be  to  any  man,  but  agin 
I  answered  her  coldly  in  the  negative, 
Samantha  lookin'  on,  but  sayin'  nothin'. 
Auon  Betsy  turned  to  her  and  sez, "  Josiah 
Allen's  wife,  will  you  not  help  plead  with 
him  in  the  name  of  a  strugglin'  sister 
woman  ?  " 

Samantha  kep'  on  parin'  and  slicin' 
her  greenin's  but  sez  coldly,  "  I  hain't 
no  objections  to  it.  I  guess  the  verses  will 
correspond  pretty  well  with  the  rest  of 
the  book." 

"  Yes,  indeed  I "  sez  Betsy  eagurly. 
"  Our  two  idees  about  the  loftier,  superior 
sect,  and  the  overpowerin'  need  of 
wimmen  to  bo  protected  by  'em,  are 
perfect  twins,  you  couldn't  hardly  rec- 
onize  'em  apart."  And  agin  she  sez  in  a 
still  more  hungry  axent : 

"  Do  grant  my  request,  Josiah  Allen  ; 
poetry  makes  a  book  so  interestin'. 
Mebby  it  hain't  necessary,  but  some  like 
the  tail  feathers  of  a  rooster,  though  they 
may  not  add  to  the  weight  of  the  fowl ; 
without  'em  he  has  a  bare  lonesome  look. 

[29] 


I 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

Poetry  may  not  add  to  the  strength  and 
matchless  power  of  your  arguments,  prob- 
ably nothin'  could;  but  somehow  a  book 
looks  sort  o'  bare  and  lonely  without 
these  feathery  gushin's  of  the  soul." 

Sez  I  in  a  cold  austere  axent,  "  I  have 
laid  out  to  enrich  the  prose  pages  of  my 
great  work  with  my  own  poetry,  some  as 
lovely  flowers  might  appear  on  the  smooth 
side  of  a  volcano,  softenin'  and  amelio- 
ratin'  the  comin'  roar  and  rush  of  the 
destroyin'  fire  and  flames,  that  is  to  bust 
out  and  burn  up  Error  and  mistook  idees 
in  females." 

"Oh,  what  eloquence  I  what  grand 
thoughts  I "  sez  Betsy  claspin'  her  yeller 
cotton  gloves  together,  and  lookin'  up  to 
me  in  almost  worship.  "  What  a  inteleck 
has  been  burnin'  under  that  bald  head 
for  years.  No  wonder  it  is  bald,  no  hair 
could  live  in  such  a  fiery  atmosphere." 

As  she  said  this  my  feelin's  softened 
towards  her  and  I  felt  different  than  I 
did  feel.  I  bad  never  liked  Betsy  Bob- 
bett  Slimpsey ;  she  wuz  always  too  senti- 
mental and  persistent  to  suit  me.     When 

[30] 


In  Which  Betsy  Bobbett  Butts  In 

I  wuz  a  widow  man  she  paid  me  a  lot  of 
attention  oninvited  and  onrecipercated. 
I  r  *v'or  responded  to  her  ardent  over- 
too  <?.  I  spuTied  her  poetry  from  me. 
Aiiii  she  wu-  a  alack  housekeeper,  and 
mizuble  cook,  which  always  riles  men, 
and  I  felt  relieved  and  glad  when  she 
got  round  Simon  Slimpsey  and  won  him 
to  be  her  husband.  But  I  do  like  her 
idees  on  man's  supremacy  and  her 
clingin'  idees  on  marriage.  Such  voy- 
lent  and  persistent  efforts  in  that  direc- 
tion, by  elderly  onmarried  females  are 
esteemed  worthy  of  every  man's  admi- 
ration, when  directed  in  another  direction 
than  himself 

I  own  I  suffered  from  them  clingin' 
idees  of  hern  durin'  my  widowerhood 
till  Samantha  rendered  me  immune. 
But  under  all  them  sufferin's  of  mine 
and  my  almost  hopeless  efforts  to  shy  off 
from  her,  and  avoid  her,  yet  I  felt  that 
her  adorin'  love  and  her  warm  clingin' 
attentions  to  males  wuz  eminently  be- 
comin'  to  a  female  if  only  turned  off 
from  me  onto  some  more  willin'  man. 

[31] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

All  these  thoughts  chased  each  other 
through  my  brain,  but  still  I  kep'  the 
cool  superiority  of  my  sect  and  sez 
coldly : 

"  I  want  no  female  thought  to  cumber 
and  weigh  down  the  sails  of  my  skyward 
bound  volume." 

But  sez  she  in  a  humble  pleadin'  man- 
ner, so  becomin'  in  a  female  and  agree- 
able to  males,  "My  poetry  all  breathes 
the  weakness  and  inferiority  of  my  sect, 
and  the  overwhelmin'  need  we  have  to 
be    protected    by  the  nobler  uplifteder 
sect.    And  though  Simon  has  been  bed- 
rid for  years  and  his  brain  had  softened 
even  when  we  wuz  wed,  and  he  and  his 
numerous   children  have  been  hard  for 
my  emmanuel  strength  to  support  and 
take  care  on,  yet  I  found  in  my  union  to 
a  male  man  a  dignity  and  rest  I  had 
i-3ver  known  in  my  more  single  siate." 
Here  Betsy  sithed  hard  a  few  times,  for 
she  wuz  indeed  weary,  she  works  hard 
and  fares  hard  and  shows  it,  but  she  con- 
tinued : 

"  Is  it  not  possible  that  in  a  humble 
[32] 


In  Which  Betsy  Bobbett  Butts  In 

way  my  verses  may  give  a  tiny  puff  of 
wind,  that  added  to  your  mighty  roarin' 
gusts  will  waft  your  grand  craft  upward 
and  onward  on  its  Heaving  sent  mission 
of  elevatin'  men  up,  and  helpin'  'em  in 
this  turrible  epock  of  time  they're  passin' 
through.  And  rebukin'  and  lowerin'  fe- 
males down  for  their  boxd  doin's,  in  op- 
posin'  and  badgerin'  their  natural  gard- 
eens  and  protectors,  their  brazen  efforts 
to  be  equal  to  'em  which  is  a  crime  agin 
Nater. 

"For   though  as  I  said,  Simon  can't 
lift  his  head  from   the  piller,     nd  his 
language  to  me  is  awful  at  times,  and  ex- 
tremely profane,    and    boot-jacks    have 
been  throwed  at  me,  and  teacups  and 
sassers  smashed  agin  my  form,  and  milk 
porridge  and  catnip  tea  have  deluged  me 
from  them  flyin'  cups  and  bowls,  yet,  as 
I  said,  I  felt  through  all,  even  when  I 
wuz  bruised  and  wet  as  sop,  that  when 
he  gin  me  his  name  at  the  altar,  he  gin 
with  it  a  dignity  and  uplifted  feelin', 
that   nothin'    else    could   give  or  take 
away.    And    I  would   fain  have  them 

[33] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woms^  Question 

womanly  idees  of  mine  made  immortal 
by  appearin'  in  your  noble  volume  as  a 
pattern  for  bolder  on  womanly  wimmen 
to  foller." 

As  Betsy  paused  I  once  more  waded 
out  bare  legged  into  the  sea  of  thought. 
Thinkses  I  even  a  tiny  drop  of  water 
helps  to  make  the  mighty  Ocean,  and  the 
Ocean  he  never  repels  the  humble  drop. 
Though  a  female,  Betsy  wuz  a  human 
bein'  like  myself.  Wuz  it  right  for  me 
to  deny  her  the  boon  of  immortality  in 
the  pages  of  my  great  work?  What 
wuz  my  duty  in  the  matter  ? 

I  rubbed  my  forward,  behind  which 
my  brain  wuz  revolvin'  with  lightnin' 
speed,  with  my  forefinger,  gittin'  consid- 
erable ink  on  the  outside  of  my  brain 
(namely  my  forward)  which  Samantha 
reminded  me  of  afterwards  and  finally  I 
sez : 

"I  will  give  this  triflin'  matter  due 
consideration,  Betsy  Slimpsey,  and  let  you 
know  the  result  of  my  cogitations.  And 
now,"  sez  I,  wavin'  my  hand  towards 
the  outside  door  in  a  noble  lordly  wave, 

[34] 


t  f 


In  Which  Betsy  Bobbett  Butts  In 

"Woman     depart  1    leave    me    to    mv 
thoughts."  ^ 

She  went,  Samantha  accompanyin'  her 
to  the  doorstep  on  which  I  hearn  her 
dickerin'  with  Betsy  for  some  Rhode  Is- 
land hen's  eggs  to  set,  so  irresponsive  and 
oncongenial  is  a  female  pardner  ofttimes 
and  onmindfulof  the  great  historical  event 
happenin'  so  near  her,  and  the  great  man 
she  IS  throwed  amongst.  Alas  I  how 
often  IS  genius  bound  down  and  tram- 
meled m  its  own  environment. 

When  Samantha  come  in  lookin'  cheer- 
ful, for  she  could  git  the  eggs  on  a  even 
swop  for  our  Brown  Leghorns,  I  asked 
her  agin  about  it,  for  every  married  man 
will   testify  that  you   can't  depend  on 
what   a  pardner  will  say   before  other 
wimmen    on    such    a  occasion.    Sez  I, 
Would  you  honor  Betsy  by  lettin'  her 
put  some  of  her  verses  in  my  great  vol- 
ume?   Do  you  think,"  sez  I  anxiously, 
that  It  will  clog  and  weigh  it  down  too 
much  ?  " 

Sez  she,  « It  may  be  a  good  thing  to 
have  some  weight  hitched  to  it " 

[35] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

I  didn't  really  know  what  she 
meant,  but  as  she  immegiately  retired 
into  the  buttery  to  make  and  roll  out 
her  pie  crust,  I  didn't  want  to  inter- 
rupt her,  for  every  man  knows  that  a 
woman  needs  the  hull  of  what  little 
mind  she's  got  at  such  a  time.  Such 
apple  pies  as  Samantha  makes  with 
tender  flaky  crust  and  delicious  interior 
are  a  work  of  art,  and  requires  ondivided 
attention. 

So  I  wuz  thro  wed  back  onto  my  own 
resources  and  judgment,  and  didn't  try 
to  argy  no  more.  Duty  and  pity  for  her 
and  her  sect  conquerored  in  the  end,  and 
the  next  day  I  gin  my  consent  and  Betsy 
sent  down  by  one  of  her  various  step- 
children a  bran  sack  full  of  her  poetry, 
which  I  emptied  for  convenience  into  a 
huge  dish  pan  which  wuz  exempt  from 
work  by  age. 

How  tickled  and  full  of  triump  Betsy 
wuz,  and  it  wuz  enough  to  tickle  any  fe- 
male to  have  her  poetry  appear  in  the 
pages  of  my  gigantic  effort.  The  fol- 
lerin'  verses  of  hern  writ  before  her  mar- 

[36] 


In  Which  Betsy  Bobbett  Butts  In 

riage  I  culled  at  random  from  the  dish  pan 
and  subjoin ; 


WIMMEN'S  8PBAR 
Or  Whisperin'8  of  Nature  to  BeUy  Bobbett 

Last  night  as  I  meandered  out 

To  meditate  apart, 

Secluded  in  my  parasol, 

Deep  subjects  shook  my  heart. 

The  earth,  the  skies,  the  prattling  brooks 

All  thundered  in  my  ear 

It  is  matrimony,  it  is  matrimony. 
That  is  a  woman's  spear. 

Day,  with  a  red  shirred  bunnet  on 
Had  down  for  China  started, 
Its  yellow  ribbons  fluttered  o'er 

Her  head  as  she  departed 

She  seemed  to  wink  her  eyes  on  me 

As  she  did  disappear 

And  say  it  is  mp,trimony,  Betsy 
That  is  a  womua's  spear. 

A  rustic  had  broke  down  his  team, 

I  mused  almost  in  tears, 

How  can  a  yoke  be  borne  along 

By  half  a  pair  of  steers  t 

Even  thus  in  wrath  did  Nature  speak 

Hear,  Betsy  Bobbett,  hear ; 

It  is  matrimony,  it  is  matrimony, 

That  is  a  woman's  spear. 

[37] 


Mi! 
■  :n 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

I  saw  a  pair  of  roaes 

Like  wedded  pardners  grow, 

Sharp  thorus  did  pave  Uieir  mortal  path, 

Yet  sweetly  did  they  blow. 

They  seemed  to  blow  these  glorious  words 

luto  my  willing  ear, 

It  is  matrimony,  it  is  matrimony 

That  is  a  woman's  spear. 

Two  gentle  sheep  upon  the  hills. 

How  sweet  the  twain  did  run. 

As  I  meandered  gently  on 

And  sot  down  on  a  stun ; 

They  seemed  to  murmur  sheepishly 

Oh  Betsy  Bobbett,  dear  — 

It  is  matrimony,  it  is  matrimony, 

That  is  a  woman's  spear. 

Sweet  wuz  the  honeysuckle's  breath 

Upon  the  ambient  air. 

Sweet  wuz  the  tender  coo  of  doves. 

Yet  sweeter  husbands  are ; 

All  Nature's  voices  poured  these  words 

Into  my  willing  ear, 

B.  Bobbett,  it  is  matrimony, 

That  is  a  woman's  spear. 


I    A 

i- 


[38] 


t. 


Ill 

I  TALK  ON  WIMMEN'S  DUTY  TO  MABBY 

CEPHAS  SLINKER  stopped  yester- 
day mornin'  and  had  a  little  talk 
with  me  over  the  barnyard  fence. 
I  pitied  Cephas  ;  he  don't  live  happy  with 
his  wife,  she's  hard  on  him,  and   they 
have  frequent  spells.     They  had  one  last 
night,   and   he  got  up  and    started  for 
Jonesville  quick  as  he'd  had  his  break- 
fast.   He  said  he  never  stopped  to  git  a 
stick  of  wood  or  a  pail  of  water  (they 
bring  their  water  from  a  spring  under 
the  hill)  but  he  hurried  away  he  said  for 
fear  she'd  begin  on  him  agin,  and  aggra- 
vate him.    He  wanted  sympathy,  and  I 
see  he  needed  it,  so  he  told  me  about  it. 

He's  been  out  of  a  job  for  some  time, 
and  his  wife  has  took  in  washin'  and 
worked  round  for  the  neighbors  to  keep 
'em  goin'. 

He  said  he  wuz  to  Jonesville  all  dav 
[39] 


m 


If  J 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

yesterday  lookin'  for  a  job.    He  said  he 
thought  the  best  way  to  find  one  wuz  to 
set  right  still  in  some  place  where  men 
wuz  comin'  and  goin'  all  the  time,  so 
they  could  see  hm  handy  if  they  wanted 
to  hire  him.    But  he  said  he  never  got  a 
job,  or  no  hopes  of  one,  and  he  went 
home   completely  discouraged    and  de- 
prested,  and  he  said  that  if  he  ever  felt 
the  need  of  tender  words  from  a  com- 
fortin'  companion  it  wuz  then ;  he  said 
he  felt  so  bad  that  he  went  in  and  busted 
these  words  right  out  to  his  wife, "  I  want 
to  be  soothed  and  comforted." 

And  if  you'll  believe  it  she  told  him, 
"if  he  wanted  to  be  soothed  to  soothe 
himself."  Jest  so  hash  and  onfeelin'  she 
spoke.  He  said  she  wuz  splittin'  kindlin' 
wood  at  the  time  to  git  supper,  and  she 
struck  at  that  wood  as  if  she  would  bring 
the  woodhouse  down.  And  I  guess  from 
his  .tell  that  he  gin  it  to  her  hot  and 
heavy.  But  'tennyrate  she  refused  out- 
right to  soothe  and  comfort  him,  and  if 
that  hain't  a  wife's  duty  what  is  ?  It  has 
always  been  called  so,  as  I  told  Samantha. 

[40] 


I 


I  Talk  on  Wimmcn's  Duty  to  Marry 

She  asked  what  Cephas  and  I  wuz  talkin' 
so  long  about,  and  I  had  to  tell  her. 

And  she  said  she  see  Miss  Slinker  go 
home  from  Deacon  Gowdey's  where  she'd 
done    a  two  weeks  washin'.     She  wuz 
pushin'  the  baby  carriage  in  front  of  her 
with  her  twins  in  it,  and  a  bag  of  pota- 
toes, and  little  Cephas  draggin'  at  her 
skirts  and  cryin'  to  be  carried,  and  she 
looiced  as  if  she  would  sink  down  in  her 
tracts.    And  it  seemed,  sez  Samantha,  "  as 
tired  as  she  wuz  she  had  to  split  wood  to 
git  supper.    And  how  could  she  soothe 
and  comfort  anybody  droudgin'  round  as 
she  had  all  day  and  all  wore  out  ?    Under 
the  circumstances  it  wuzn't  reasonable  in 
Cephas  to  ask  it." 

That's  jest  the  way  on't,  wimmen  will 
argy  and  argy  and  try  to  have  the  last 
word.  I  wouldn't  say  no  more  for  I 
knowed  it  wuz  no  use.  But  I  must  say 
that  when  Samantha  has  the  time  she's 
always  ready  to  soothe  and  comfort  me  if 
I'm  in  trouble.  She  sez  it  is  a  woman's 
nater  to  want  to  help  and  comfort  the 
man  she  loves,  but  he  ort  to  be  reasonable 

[41] 


I 


•"•gain-  with  her  so  Tkl-7  ^"^^ 

erJt  w«  it  ""'  "'°"«'''  °^  ''ritin'  this 

&«u„    •"  °°"'  "^  '<""  """>  the 

■18  aazzim    beams  onto  JonesviUo  anH 

the  surroundin'  world,   there   wl  Trl 

nouse.    One  fundamental  trufh  t  i„m 
tZf"'*7'°'>'6''-^-tl'E 

S;rp  u"":!:;'  ^-"^^-p^henst" 

marv  ?^    .  '  "**  "*  «"'  »»d  pri- 

mary  importance.    And  that  wuz  th.t 

w.mmen  should  not  try  to  havl  Ri  I. 
but  at  all  hazards  and  under  an  o?r^' 
stances  not  fail  to  marry  a  If     S    """ 
onHiw  T  1  -J  "^arry  a  man,  and  sec- 

thtrrrcrrtvr'- 
rs^---"-ss^ed7n'd^ 

For  truly  these  two  great  truths  are 
[42] 


■  And  she  lo..ked  as  if  she  would  sink  do^vn  in  her  tracts 


I  Talk  on  Wimmen's  Duty  to  Marry 

what  we  male  men  have  oonsidered 
the  very  ground  work  and  underpinnin 
of  our  strongest  and  most  unanswerable 
arguments  agin  Wimmen's  Suffrage,  Mar- 
riage—Home—Clean Children— House- 
work— Good  Vittles — oh,  how  sweet  them 
words  have  always  sounded  in  men's  ears 
and  are  still  a  soundin',  and  how  emi- 
nently fitted  to  wimmen's  weak  tender 
minds  and  patient  confidin'  naters.  And 
how  obnoxious  and  loathsome  to  every 
male  ear  have  been  and  are  now,  the 
words  Justice — Freedom — Equality. 

Oh,  how  continuously  and  loudly  have 
my  male  bretheren,  we  and  us,  twanged 
upon  them  two  strings  on  life's  lyre,  and 
tried  to  make  females  jine  in  the  melogi- 
ous  song,  tried  to  make  'em  comprehend 
the  beauty  and  full  meanin'  on  'em. 

And  right  here  before  I  go  any  furder 
mebby  I  ort  to  stop  and  make  it  plain  to 
the  modern  female  who  is  always  tryin' 
to  pick  flaws  and  argy,  that  I  said  1-y-r-e 
and  not  liar,  which  they  might  out  of 
clear  aggravation  try  to  make  out  I  meant 
when  I  made  the  hullsale  insertion  that 

[43] 


i 


1 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

marriage  is  woman's  duty,  and  a  perfect 
heaven  on  earth,  and  woman's  suffragin'  is 
ruination  and  come  straight  from  Hadees. 

I  had  writ  a  hull  chapter  full  of  the 
most  beautiful  and  high  flown  eloquence 
on  this  most  congenial  subject,  and  proved 
I  thought  to  every  right  minded  person 
that  it  wuz  the  duty  and  delightful  priv- 
elige  of  every  female  to  stop  immegiately 
seekin'  for  Rights,  and  marry  to  a  man 
to  once.  It  wuz  a  lovely  chapter,  and 
very  aflfectin'  in  spots,  so  much  so  I  shed 
several  tears  over  it,  as  I  told  Samantha, 
when  she  glanced  over  it  at  my  request. 
I  longed  for  her  appreciation  of  my  genius, 
if  she  didn't  share  my  idees,  but  she  only 
made  this  remark : 

"No  wonder  you  shed  tears  I  it  is 
enough  to  make  a  graven  image  weep." 

She  didn't  explain  what  she  meant  by 
this  remark.  But  I  most  knew  by  the 
looks  on  her  linement  that  she  wuz 
makin'  light  on't.  But  I  wuzn't  goin'  to 
pay  no  attention  to  slurs  comin*  from 
them  that  want  Rights.  Her  remark 
only  goaded  me  on  to  amplify  on  the 

[44] 


I  Talk  onWimmen's  Duty  to  Marry 

beautiful  subject,  and  I  had  spent  I  pre- 
soom  to  say  most  a  teaspunful  of  ink,  and 
pretty  nigh  half  a  pad  of  paper,  besides  a 
soul  full  of  emotion  on  it,  when  my  dear 
friend  and  Literary  Adviser,  Uncle  Sime 
Bentley  come  in,  and  Samantha  bein' 
then  out  in  the  buttery  makin'  sugar 
cookies  and  spice  cake,  I  had  a  clear  field 
and  read  the  chapter  over  to  him,  longin' 
for  sympathy  and  admiration,  and  feelin' 
sure  I'd  tapped  the  right  tree  to  git  the 
sweet  sap  of  true  understandin'  and  ap- 
preciation flow  out  and  heal  my  wownded 
sperit,  when  to  my  great  surprise  (and  it 
wouldn't  been  any  more  shock  to  me  if 
I'd  tapped  a  butnut  tree  and  see  it  run 
blue  ink)  Uncle  Sime  jined  in  with  Sa- 
mantha's  idees,  and  objected  to  my  hull- 
sale  insertion  that  it  wuz  the  bounden 
duty  of  every  human  bein*  to  marry. 

As  I  read  it  over  to  him,  expectin'  to 
be  interrupted  by  a  warm  hand  grasp  of 
sympathy  and  lovin'  praise  of  my  idees, 
I  see  a  dark  shadder  pass  over  his  line- 
ment  and  he  wiggled  round  oneasy  in  bis 
chair  and  finally  he  said  : 

[45] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

"  That  won't  do,  Josiah  1  You've  got  to 
change  that  or  you'll  git  lots  of  the  Jones- 
villians  down  on  you,"  sez  he.  "  There 
are  a  good  many  bacheldors  round  here, 
and  their  feelin's  will  feel  hurt." 

Sez  I  in  a  sombry  dissapinted  axent, 
"  I  guess  I  can  handle  the  subject  so's  not 
to  hurt  their  feelin's." 

"Id'no,"  sez  he,  "lots  on  'em  might 
have  married  if  they'd  wanted  to,  and 
there  are  three  or  four  grass  widowers,  too, 
or  mebby  I  should  say  hay  widowers,  for 
they're  pretty  old  for  grass."  And  Simon 
continued  feelin'ly : 

"  This  book  of  yourn,  Josiah,  is  as 
dear  to  me  as  if  it  sprung  like  a  sharp 
simeter  from  my  own  brain,  and  I  can't 
bear  to  see  you  make  any  statement  in  it 
that  will  be  called  a  slur  on  our  sect." 

Strange  as  it  wuz  I  hadn't  thought  on 
that  side  of  the  subject  till  Simon  pinted 
it  out  to  me,  my  barn  chores  and  fambly 
cares  are  so  wearin'  on  me  that  it  had 
slipped  my  mind,  though  probable  I 
should  thought  on't  of  my  own  accord 
when  I  had  time.    But  I  see  the  minute 

[46] 


I  Talk  on  Wimmcn's  Duty  to  Many 

my  attention  wuz  drawed  to  it  that  I 
must  meller  the  chapter  down  for  the 
good  of  my  own  sect.  And  after  Simon 
went  home  (he  had  come  to  borry  a 
auger)  I  meditated  on  the  other  side,  what 
you  might  call  the  offside  of  the  argument 
and  I  see  different  from  what  I  had  seen. 
And  I  brung  up  convincin'  incidents  and 
let  'em  run  through  my  mind. 

Firstly,  I  see  I  wuz  hittin'  my  dear 
friend  Simon,  hittin'  him  hard,  for  he 
wuz  a  bacheldor,  though  he  thought  too 
much  on  me  to  mention  his  own  wownded 
feelin's.  But  when  I  realized  what  I  had 
done  it  fairly  stunted  me,  for  it  wuz  like 
kickin'  my  own  shins  with  a  hard  cow- 
hide boot  to  hit  Simon.  And  I  see  that 
take  it  with  all  the  grass  and  hay 
widowers,  and  what  yo.  Tiight  call  plain 
bacheldors,  there  wuz  a  good  many  male 
Jonesvillians  who  would  had  reason  to 
feel  riled  up,  and  I  wuzn't  one  to  cast  no 
slurs  onto  my  own  sect. 

Id'no  why  a  number  of  them  bach- 
eldors hadn't  married,  for  they  wuz  well 
off  and  might  have  married  if  they'd 

[47] 


I 


Ui\ 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

wanted  to.  I  guess  it  wuzjest  because  they 
didn't  feel  like  it.  And  my  mind  is  so 
strong  and  keen  I  see  immegiately  how 
that  would  spile  my  argument  that 
females  must  turn  their  backs  on  Rights, 
and  marry  at  all  hazards  and  under  all 
circumstances.  For  it  stands  to  reason 
that  a  woman  can't  marry  if  a  man  is  not 
forthcomin',  and  hadn't  ort  to  be  blamed 
for  it.  And  I  could  see  every  time  a  man 
hung  back  it  left  a  female  in  the  lurch. 

I  see  I  must  wiggle  out  on't  the  best  I 
could  for  I'll  be  hanged  when  it  come 
down  to  brass  tacks  and  I  figgered  it  out, 
I  dassent  print  a  word  of  what  I'd  writ; 
as  beautious  and  eloquent  as  it  wuz  I  had 
got  to  drop  it  onwillin'ly  into  the  waist 
basket.    For  I  see  that  besides  a  lackage 
of  men  caused  by  hangin'  back  which 
wuz  of  itself  a  overwhelmin'  argument,  I 
see  how  lots  of  the  females  wuz  situated 
that  had  turned  their  backson  matrimony 
Susan  Jane  Adsit  stayed  to  home  to  take 
care  of  her  old  father,  and  by  the  time  he 
died  she'd  got  off  the  notion  of  marryin'. 
Huldah  Pendergrast  wuz  humbly  as 
[48] 


I  Talk  on  Wimmcn*8  Duty  to  Marry 

the  old  Harry,  and  Samantha  sez  that  a 
man  always  puts  a  pretty  face  before 
reason  or  religion,  'tennyrate  no  man  had 
ever  asked  her  to  marry  I  knowed,  so 
how  could  she  help  her  single  state. 

Amelia  Burpee  wuz  left  a  orphan  with 
five  younger  children  that  she  promised 
her  dyin'  ma  to  take  care  on,  and  when 
she  got  them  all  rared  up  and  settled 
down  in  life,  she  wuz  too  tuckered  out  to 
think  of  matrimony. 

And  Serepta  Corkins  wuz  a  born  man 
hater,  would  git  over  the  fence  ruther 
than  meet  one  in  the  road.  She  didn't 
want  a  man,  and  Heaven  knows  a  man 
didn't  want  her. 

Luella  Pitkin's  bo  died  durin'  engage- 
ment, and  she  never  wanted  to  look  at  a 
man  after  that.  And  her  sister,  Drusilla, 
wuz  all  took  up  with  music,  and  no  man 
could  ever  take  the  place  with  her  of  B 
flat,  or  high  Q. 

And  Abigail  Mooney's  feller  she  wuz 
engaged  to  got  led  off  and  married  another 
girl,  and  Abigail  went  into  a  incline  and 
the  doctor  had  hard  work  to  raise  her  up 

[49] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 


li 


besides  all  her  own  folks  did  with  spignut 
and  wild  cherry  bark  and  other  strength- 
enin'  and  soothin'  herbs. 

And  Almina  Hagadone's  feller  left 
her  because  she  fell  and  broke  her  hip 
durin'  engagement.  And  Id'no  but  it 
wuz  for  the  best,  for  how  could  she  bring 
up  a  fambly  with  only  one  hip. 

And  so  it  went  on,  the  hull  train  of 
single  wimmen  swep'  through  my  brain, 
follered  by  a  crowd  of  widders,  grass, 
and  hay,  and  sod.  And  as  I  mentally 
stared  at  'em  I  see  what  I'd  done  on 
insistin'  that  they  should  every  one  on 
'em  marry  a  man  and  stay  to  home,  when 
they  hadn't  no  man  and  no  home  to  stay 
in.  Why,  I  wuz  fairly  browbeat  and 
stumped  to  see  what  a  ticklish  place  I 
would  stood  in  with  the  Jonesvillians,  if 
I  had  writ  my  chapter  as  I  laid  out  to,  that 
wimmen  mitst  marry  and  must  not  vote. 

I  see  I  had  got  to  turn  round  and  take 
a  new  tact.  But  it  wuz  like  tearin'  a 
bulldog  from  a  good  shank  bone  to  up- 
root a  man  from  that  inborn  belief.  And 
I  thought  it  over  pro  and  con,  con  and 

[5c] 


I  Talk  on  Wimmen's  Duty  to  Marry 

pro,  till  my  head  got  fairly  dizzy  and  in 
one  of  the  dizziest  spells  this  thought 
come  to  me  that  mebby  Simon's  bein'  a 
bacheldor  had  hampered  him  and  colored 
his  advice,  and  thiukses  I  before  I  lay 
down  in  the  dust  my  old  beloved  belief 
for  good  and  all,  it  won't  do  any  hurt 
to  jest  mention  the  subject  casually  to 
Samantha  agin,  which  I  did. 

I  sez  in  a  meachiner  axent  than  I  gin- 
erally  use,  for  I  felt  fur  more  meachin' 
than  I  had  felt,  sez  I,  "  Samantha,  wim- 
men  ort  to  marry  instead  of  votin'." 

And  she  sez,  "  Why  can't  they  do  both? 
Men  marry  and  vote." 

"  But,"  sez  I,  recoverin'  with  a  hercu- 
laneum  effort  a  little  of  my  usual  feelin' 
of  male  superiority,  "  that  is  very  differ- 
ent, Samantha.  Men  have  bigger,  roomier 
minds,  wimmen  and  politics  can  sort  o' 
run  side  by  side  through  'em  without 
crowdin'  each  other.  But  female  minds 
bein'  more  narrer  and  contracted  they 
naterally  can't,  and  hadn't  ort  to  try  to 
hold  more'n  one  on  'em. 

"  But,"  sez  I  with  a  last  effort  to  put 
[51] 


Jonah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

forth  the  beautious  arguments  that  my 
sect  has  clung  to  for  ages,  I  sez  in  a  deep 
protectin'  axent, "  marriage  is  the  holiest, 
the  most  beautifulest  state  on  this  earth." 

"Yes/'  sez  Samantha  reasonably,  "a 
happy  marriage  is,  I  guess,  about  as  nigh 
Heaven  as  folks  ever  git  on  earth,  but 
how  many  do  you  find,  Josiah  ?  " 

"Oceans  on  'em,"  sez  I,  "oceans  on 
'em,"  for  I  wuzn't  goin'  to  spile  my  argu- 
ment entirely  till  I  had  to. 

"Yes,"  sez  Samantha,  "there  is  once 
in  a  while  one  that  looks  so  from  the 
outside,  and  mebby  it  looks  so  from  the 
inside.  But,"  sez  she,  "the  hands  of 
divorce  lawyers  are  pretty  busy  nowa- 
days. Marriage,"  sez  Samantha,  "is  a 
divine  institution,  but  its  beauty  has 
been  dimmed  by  the  rust  of  unjust  and 
foolish  idees  and  practices.  Always 
when  time  honored  customs  change  from 
the  old  to  the  new,  from  bad  to  better, 
there  is  a  period  of  upheaval  and  unrest, 
until  the  new  becomes  natural  and  com- 
mon. 

"  Wimmen,"  sez  Samantha,  "  are  be- 
[52] 


I  Talk  on  Wimmen's  Duty  to  Marry 

ginin'  to  look  upon  marriage  differently 
than  they  used  to.  They  look  now  on 
both  sides  of  the  question.  Instead  of 
settin'  with  folded  hands  in  a  shadowy 
bower,  waitin'  and  listenin'  for  the  pran- 
cin'  steed  that  is  to  bring  the  Prince  to 
her  feet  to  ask  for  her  lily  white  hand, 
which  she  gives  him  with  grateful,  rap- 
turous tears  of  joy,  wimmen  are  now 
standin'  up  on  their  feet  in  broad  day- 
light, lookin'  on  every  side  of  the  mar- 
riage question  and  lettin'  the  full  light 
of  day  shine  on  it,  the  same  light  they've 
got  to  live  under  after  the  hazy  days  of 
the  honeymoon  are  over." 

Them  forward  practical  idees  of  hern 
riled  me,  and  I  sez,  "  I  guess  men  have 
sunthin'  to  complain  on  in  the  marriage 
question." 

"  Yes  indeed  they  have,"  sez  Samantha 
(with  a  justice  no  doubt  ketched  from 
me).  "  Lots  of  silly  simperin'  girls  look 
upon  marriage  as  a  means  to  be  supported 
without  labor,  an  unlimited  carnival  of 
picture  shows,  circuses  and  candy.  But 
in  the  good  times  comin'  when  men  have 

[53] 


I! 

*     ii 

;  11 


i.'ii 


Joriah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

learned  not  to  look  exclusively  for  a 
pretty  face  and  kittenish  ways,  and  seek 
the  sterling  qualities  of  common  sense, 
thrift,  and  industry,  qualities  that  will 
keep  the  domestic  hearth  bright  when 
the  honeymoon  has  waned,  girls  will 
begin  to  prize  and  practice  these  traits 
which  men  find  admirable. 

"  And  another  thing,  Josiah,  thought- 
ful   inteligent    wimmen  are  getting  so 
they  don't  admire  the  crop  of  wild  oats 
that  used  to  be  considered  inevitable,  and 
in  a  way  dashing  and  admirable.    Instead 
of   blindly  accepting   what  the  Prince 
danes  to  bestow  upon  her  and  asking 
nothing  in  return,  she  demands  the  same 
things  of  him  he  asks  of  her,  the  same 
purity  he  demands  of  her,  and  why  not 
the  same  moral  and  legal  rights,  since 
they  are  both  human  bein's,  made  as  all 
mortals  are  of  God  and  clay  ?  " 

I  gin  a  deep  groan  here,  showin'  plain 
how  distasteful  them  forward  onwomanly 
idees  wuz  to  me.  But  she  went  right  on 
onheedin'  my  sithes,  or  the  dark  frown 
gatherin'  on  my  eyebrows. 

[54] 


I  i 


I  Talk  on  Wimmen's  Duty  to  Marry 

Sez  she,  **  So  many  avenu  "  pleasant 
lucrative  employment  are  open  now  to 
wimmen,  and  the  epithet,  Old  Maid,  is 
not  as  of  old  a  badge  of  contumely,  that 
wimmen  won't  take  a  ticket  for  the  lot- 
tery of  marriage,  for  but  one  reason,  the 
only  reason  that  ever  made  marriage 
honorable  and  respectable,  and  that  is 
true  love,  not  a  light  mental  fancy,  nor  a 
short  lived  physical  attraction,  but  the 
love  that  in  spite  of  earthly  shadows  illu- 
minates hovel  and  palace,  and  makes 
both  on  'em  the  ante-room  of  Paradise. 
The  love  that  upholds,  inspires,  over- 
looks faults,  is  constant  in  sun  and 
shade,  and  lasts  down  to  the  dark  valley, 
and  throws  its  light  acrost  it  into  the  very 
Land  of  Light." 

Them  words  sounded  good  to  me,  they 
sounded  some  like  what  I  had  writ  more 
formerly  on  the  subject,  and  I  jined  in 
fervently.  "  Yes,  indeed,  and  why  can't 
females  settle  down  in  matrimony  and 
stay  to  home  with  their  famblys,  and  take 
care  of  their  children  ? "  and  I  quoted 
a  few  words  from  the  dear  chapter  I  had 

[5^1 


I! 


m 


EiiJ 


!l 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

writ  first.  "  There  woman  is  a  queen, 
the  poorest  female  in  the  slummiest  slum 
18  a  monark  in  that  sacred  place." 

"Yes/'  sez  Samantha,  "sometimes  a 
good  man  makes  a  wife  supremely  happy. 
But  too  often  nowdays  a  bright  healthy 
young  woman  finds  in  the  life  she  has 
pictured  as  the  dooryard  of  Eden  a 
worse  serpent  than  Eve  found  there,  a 
loathsome  souvenir  of  her  husband's  old 
gay  life  which  destroys  her  own  health 
and  happiness,  and  which  she  has  to 
hand  down  to  her  children's  children 
makin'  'em  invalids  and  idiots. 

"  The  poor  workin'  mother  you  speak 
on  if  she  is  well  enough  can  stay  at  home  if 
she  has  a  home  to  stay  in,  and  doesn't 
have  to  labor  outside  to  sustain  it.    She 
can  breathe  the  filthy  tenement  air,  be 
frozen  by  its  winter,  choked  by  its  sum- 
mer  atmosphere,  she  can  guide  and  guard 
the  youthful  steps  of  her  children  as  far 
a^  the  doorstep  and  then  she  must  drop 
the  helpless  hand,  and  if  she  is  inteligent 
and  loving  hearted  she  can  wet  her  pillow 
with  vain  tears  thinking  how  her  pretty 

[56] 


I  Talk  on  Wimmen's  Duty  to  Marry 

innocent  young  girl  has  got  to  pass  vile 
saloons  full  of  evil  men  on  her  way  to 
and  from  store  and  factory.  The  factory 
filled  with  gant  childish  forms,  with  all 
the  care-free  happiness  of  childhood 
ground  from  their  faces  by  the  brutal 
hand  of  Incessant  Toil.  Unguarded 
machinery  on  every  side  that  one  false 
careless  move  of  her  girl  may  maim  or 
kill.  Her  pretty  girl  alone  strugglin' 
with  ontold  dangers.  Youth's  wild  blood 
•^ging  her  to  indiscreet  acts,  Wolves  of 
1  rey  on  one  side,  Grim  Want  on  the 
other.  If  the  mother  has  a  mother's 
heart,  her  body  may  be  at  home  where 
she  is  so  eloquently  urged  to  be,  but  her 
heart  will  be  abroad,  in  the  greater  home 
wimmen  want  to  make  safer ;  the  home 
where  her  children  spend  their  days.  It 
will  be  hantin'  the  factory,  the  grog  shop, 
the  vile  picture  show,  the  white  slaver's 
abode,  watchin',  waitin',  for  what  may 
happen,  what  has  happened  so  often  to 
other  mothers'  children." 

Samantha  goes  too  fur  when  she  gits 
to  goin',  and  I  told  her  so  plain  and 

[57] 


lii 


i 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

square,  she  aggravates  me.  And  to  let 
her  see  how  much  I  disapproved  of  her 
talk  I  never  dained  a  reply  to  her  in 
verbal  words.  But  I  riz  up  with  a  hauty 
mean  on  my  eyebrow,  and  went  to 
pokin'  the  kitchen  fire.  I  poked  it  with 
all  the  strength  of  a  strong  man  whose 
arguments  have  been  spilte  and  whose 
feehn's  have  been  wownded  by  his  own 
pardner. 

But  I  believe  my  soul  that  she  thought 
that  I  did  it  as  a  hint  that  it  wuz  about 
dmner  time,  for  she  went  out  to  once 
and  hung  on  the  teakettle.    And  as  she 
did  so  she  mentioned  incidentally  that 
she  laid  out  to  have  lamb  chops  and 
green    peas   and    mashed    potatoes    for 
dmner,  with    peach    pie   and  coffee  to 
foller.    As  she  said  this  my  angry  emo- 
tions settled  down  and  grew  more  clear 
and  composed,  some  like  Samantha's  de- 
licious coffee,  when  she  drops  the  pow- 
dered eggshells  into  it. 


i 


[58] 


IV 


I  TALK  ON  MAN'S  PEOTECTIN'  LOVE 
FOBWIMMEN 

IT  wuz  a  beautiful  morniu'.  I  felt 
boyed  up  by  the  invigoration  of  the 
invigoratin'  atmosphere,  the  boyness 
helped  along  mebby  by  three  cups  of 
Samantha's  delicious  coffee  with  rich 
cream  in  it,  three  veal  cutlets  brown  and 
tender,  four  hot  rolls  light  as  day,  several 
flaky  baked  potatoes  and  soma  biled  eggs. 
I  felt  well  and  I  devoted  my  muse  on 
this  auspicious  occasion  to  writin'  spe- 
cially on  the  protectin'  love  and  care  that 
men  had  always  shown  and  delighted  to 
show  to  females.  It  wuz  a  subject  that 
I  loved  and  my  mind  and  tongue  had 
often  reverted  to,  foUerin'  the  example 
of  all  thp  other  good  and  great  statesmen 
who  have  talked  and  writ  on  the  femi- 
nist question.  And  I  felt  that  I  wuz 
abundantly  qualified  to  do  justice  to  it, 

[59] 


m 


t.;e       m  i 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

havin'  protected  Samantha  and  lovin'ly 
guarded  hor  weak  footsteps  for  goin'  on 
forty  years. 

I  set  with  my  steeled  pen  in  hand  and 
got  so  lost  and  wropped  up  in  contem- 
plation of  the  beautiful  and  inspirin' 
subject,  and  plannin'  how  I  would 
handle  it  to  the  best  advantage,  that  time 
passed  onheeded  and  first  I  knowed  I 
hearn  by  the  sound  of  dishes  rattlin'  in 
the  near  and  adjacent  kitchen  that  Sa- 
mantha wuz  beginin'  to  make  prepara- 
tions for  dinner. 

The  kitchen  as  I  said  wuz  contagious 
to  the  settin'  room  and  the  door  wuz 
open.    I  had  laid  out  and  intended  to 
begin  the  chapter  on  this  important  and 
most  congenial  subject  with  some  strong 
stern  language  calculated  to  shame  wim- 
men   for   the   unbelievin'  remarks  they 
had  made  on  this  beautiful  and  universal 
trait  of  my  sect,  and  their  seemin'  tee- 
totle  inability  to  appreciate  the  constant 
onvaryin'  and  lovin'  protection  that  men 
had  always  gin  to  the  weaker  and  more 
mferior  sect. 

[60] 


11   il 


I  Talk  on  Man's  Protectin'  Love 


I  reniembered  well  how  in  a  former  talk 
with  Samantha  on  this  subject,  though 
she  had  admitted  willin'ly  enough  that 
there  wuz  lots  of  good  generous  men 
runnin'  loose  in  the  world.  Yet  she  tried 
to  dispute  my  insertion  that  all  men  al- 
ways cared  for  and  tenderly  protected 
wimmen,  by  bringin'  up  instances  where 
she  claimed  men  had  balked  and  kicked 
over  the  traces,  and  instead  of  protcctin' 
wimmen  had  run  'em  away  into  ruina- 
tion and  destruction. 

She  brung  up  White  Slavery,  political, 
social  and  industrial  dependence,  and  the 
average  man's  inherient  objection  to  re- 
gard wimmen  as  a  citizen  and  plain 
human  bein',  bein'  inclined  to  regard  'em 
either  as  angels  or  underlin's.  And  a  lot 
of  other  trashy  arguments  calculated  to 
rile  a  man  up,  yes  mad  a  man  to  the  very 
quick,  who  knowed  what  he  wuz  talkin' 
about.  One  who  had  spent  the  heft  of 
his  life  in  protectin'  and  guidin'  her  that 
now  turned  agin  him  and  disputed  him. 
A  man  who  knowed  as  well  as  he  knowed 
the  looks  of  his  linement  in  the  shavin' 

[61  ] 


Jodah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

glass,  that  man's  protectin'  love  and  care 
wuz  all  that  had  held  wimmen  up,  and 
wuz  still  a  proppin'  her. 

I  spoze  in  my  righteous  indignation  I 
may  have  said  kinder  hash  things  about 
the  low  down  ornary  traits  of  the  inferior 
sect  to-which  Samantha  belonged,  for  she 
begun  to  bring  up  traits  that  she  said  some 
of  my  sect  had,  and  throw  'em  at  me,  traits 
that  I  know  no  man  ever  had  or  skursley 
ever  had  hearn  on.    But  I  must  say  that 
all  the  while  riled  up  as  she  wuz  inside 
of  her,  she  kep'  knittin'  away  on  my 
mdigo  blue  sock,  and  kep'  makin'  honor- 
able exceptions  of  good  men  and  smart 
men.    But  she  brung  up  Vanity,  said  I 
and  my  sect  wuz  vain.    Sez  she,  "  If  a 
woman  tries  to  talk  sense  and  reason  to  a 
man  about  her  needs  and  her  rights,  he 
will    generally  pay  her   a  compliment 
about  her  eyes  or  her  nose.     'Tennyrate 
he  wil    turn  the  subject  some  way  and 
won  t  listen  to  her.    But  if  she  makes 
eyes  at  him,  and  talks  soft  nonsense,  and 
flatters  him,  he  will  purr  like  a  pussy 
cat. 

[62] 


I  Talk  on  Man's  Protectin*  Love 

'Tain't  so.  Who  ever  heara  a  man 
pi  rr  ?  Purrin'  is  sunthin  a  man's  nater 
w«>uld  rebel  at  and  scorn  with  perfect 
coiitemp.  But  I  smashed  that  argument 
aK;ut  vanity  to  once  and  forever.  Sez  I 
so  scathin'ly  that  it  seemed  as  if  she  must 
show  signs  of  scorchin',  "  Did  you  ever 
see  a  man  wear  a  cosset?  Or  carry  a 
vanity  bag  ?  " 

And  then  still  a  knittin'  and  still 
makin'  exceptions  of  some  good  and 
generous  men,  she  throwed  the  trait  of 
selfishness  in  my  face,  said  my  sect  had 
passed  along  down  the  fields  of  time, 
gatherin'  up  the  ripe  wheat  and  leavin' 
wimmen  to  rake  up  the  leavin's. 

'Tain't  so,  and  even  if  it  wuz,  I  pre- 
soom  to  say  Ruth  got  quite  a  good  bun- 
dle of  grain  out  of  Boazes'  wheat  field. 

And  then  she  took  pomposity  and 
throwed  at  me  (still  a  knittin',  and  still 
makin'  exceptions  of  some  men)  said  lots 
of  men  stood  up  on  a  self-made  pedestal 
lookin'  down  mentally  on  them  who  in 
many  cases  wuz  their  superiors,  but  she 
added  that  wimmen  wuz  more  to  blame 

[63] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

for  this  trait  in  men  than  they  wuz,  for 
they  had  been  educated  to  look  up  to 
men  instead  of  lookin'  sideways  where 
they  ort  to  find  him  on  a  level  at  her 


It  is  needless  to  say  to  any  one  who 
knows  my  keenness  of  inteleck  that  I 
took  immegiate  advantage  of  this  slip 
of  her  tongue  and  sez,  "  I  am  glad  that 
you  admit,  Samantba,  that  wimmen  are 
always  in  the  wrong.  I  and  my  sect 
have  always  knowed  it,  and  we've  always 
laid  the  blame  on  'em  from  Eve  down  to 
Miss  Pankhurst." 

And  that  seemed  to  set  her  off  agin, 
and  she  brung  up  my  blindness.  Blind 
as  a  bat  I  Them  wuz  her  words  she 
throwed  at  me,  at  me  I  who  has  got  eyes 
as  keen  as  a  eagle's.  That  injustice  did 
rankle  and  make  me  hash  and  say  hash 
thitigs. 

But  she  kep'  cam  on  the  outside,  kep' 
on  with  her  knittin'  and  intimidated 
agin  that  though  there  wuz  lots  of  good 
generous  men  in  the  world,  yet  it  had 
ilways  been  a  trait  of  the  average  man 

[64J 


I  Talk  on  Man's  Protcctin*  Love 

from  Solomon  to  Harry  Thaw  to  look 
upon  woman  as  a  plaything  or  a  con- 
venience.   And  then  she  brung  up  incon- 
sistency and  how  men  showed  it  in  the 
laws  they  made,  criminal  inconsistency ^ 
she  called  it.    Sez  she,  "  A  girl  must  be 
twenty-one  when  she  is  considered  by 
men  lawmakers  wise  enough  to  sell  them 
a  hen,  or  buy  a  cat.     But  yet  at  the  age 
of  ten  in  one  state,  twelve  in  another,  she 
is  considered  by  them  wise  and  prudent 
enough  to  sell  them  the  crowning  jewel 
of  her  life  with  the  payment  of  lifelong 
shame,  agony,  and  despair,  and  mebby  a 
little  candy.    Men  make  such  laws,"  sez 
she,  "  not  for  their  own  sweet  young  girls, 
but  for  some  other  men's  daughters,  just 
like  the  infamous  White  Slave  traffic  that 
sells  every  year  thousands  and  thousands 
of  young  girls  into  a  livin'  death.    And 
I  think,"  sez  she, "  when  men  make  such 
shameful  barbarous  laws  it  is  high  time 
for  'em    to   have  help  from  angels  or 
wimmen  or  sunthin'  or  ruther." 

"  That  hain't  religious,  Samantha,"  sez 
I, "  to  speak  of  angels  makin'  laws,  tendin' 

[65] 


I 


i!     i 


Joaiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

oorkuses  and  such.  As  a  deacon  I  object 
to  it" 

Sez  she,  "  As  a  deacon  you  better  object 
to  the  laws  I'm  talkin'  about,  and  if 
clergymen,  deacons  and  church  members 
generally,  would  all  rise  agin  'em,  they'd 
be  stamped  out  pretty  sudden."  Sez  she, 
"  When  the  young  girls  of  our  country 
are  considered  of  equal  importance  with 
cows  and  clover  to  oversee  and  protect, 
there  will  be  different  laws,  and  I  believe 
wimmen's  votin'  will  hasten  that  day." 

There  is  always  a  time  for  a  man  if  he 
wants  to  keep  his  dignity  intack  before 
females,  to  stop  arguin'  with  'em.  That 
time  had  come  tome  at  that  juncture,  and 
I  knowed  that  it  would  be  more  dignified 
to  show  a  manly  superiority  to  such  hull- 
sale  calumnity  of  my  sect  so  I  looked 
hautily  at  her,  and  didn't  dain  to  reply 
to  her  in  verbal  words  though  I  grated 
my  teeth  some,  as  I  walked  out  of  the 
settin'  room  with  head  erect  into  the 
kitchen,  and  brought  in  a  armful  of  wood 
from  the  contagious  woodshed  with  my 
head  still  held  high,  and  hung  on  the 

[66] 


I  Talk  on  Man's  Protectin'  Love 

teaketUe  with  a  hauty  mean.  For  I  felt 
that  Bome  of  Samantha'a  good  vittles 
would  soothe  my  wownded  and  perturbed 
sperit  if  anything  could  and  they  did 
cam  me. 

I  thought  of  that  former  interview  with 
my  pardner  as  I  sot  there  preparin'  my 
mind  for  the  masterful  effort  I  wuz  about 
to  make. 

As  I  said  more  formerly  I  had  intended 
to  begin  the  chapter  at  this  epock  of  time 
with  a  few  witherin'  remarks  calculatin' 
to  rebuke  wimmeu  and  wither  'em.  I  laid 
out  to  stun  'em  and  skair  'em  with  the 
artillery  of  my  brilliant  eloquence,  my 
protectin'  love  for  the  weaker  sect  riz  up 
so  powerful,  and  my  anger  wuz  so  hot 
agin  them  that  had  dasted  to  deny  it. 

I  felt  that  they  did  believe  in  men's 
constant  and  tender  protection,  but  held 
out  and  denied  it  jest  to  be  mean,  jest  to 
carry  out  their  sect's  well  known  desire  to 
argy  and  aggravate  us.  And  as  I  meditated 
on  these  things  and  thought  of  my  former 
talk  with  Samantha  I  have  jest  related,  I 
held  my  steeled  pen  in  almost  a  iron  grip, 

[67] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 


h 


and  my  linement  I  knowed  growed  fearful 
to  look  upon,  charged  as  it  wuz  with  the 
awakened  powers  of  a  strong  man. 

When  jest  as  I  wuz  beginin'  the  turrible 
rebukin'  words  Samantha  opened  the 
oven  door  in  the  contagious  kitchen  and 
the  fragrant  breath  of  a  lemon  custard  pie 
floated  out,  accompanied  with  the  delicious 
uroma  of  a  roast  chicken  with  dressin'. 

And  as  on  so  many  former  occasions, 
the  delicious  odor  seemed  to  enter  into 
and  permenhte  my  hull  mental  and  phys- 
ical system  and  soften  'em  and  quiet  my 
wild  and  dangerous  emotions,  I  felt 
mellerer  towards  her  and  her  sect,  and  I 
held  my  steeled  pen  in  a  gentler,  softer 
grip.  And  instead  of  the  thunderbolt  of 
convincin'  argument  I  had  even  begun 
to  transcribe,  I  sez  to  Samantha,  who  bad 
come  in  with  a  pan  of  potatoes  to  peel, 
and  my  voice  wuz  as  sweet  as  the  lemon 
custard. 

"  You  do  know,  don't  you,  dear  Saman- 
tha, that  it  has  always  been  men's  chief 
aim  and  desire  to  protect  the  weaker 
inferior  sect  ?  "  sez  I  tenderly.    "  Any  man 

[68] 


I  Talk  on  Man's  Protcctin*  Love 

that  has  the  eperit  of  manhood  within 
him  will  agree  with  me."  Agin  I  inhaled 
into  my  nostrils  the  sweet  uroma  oomin' 
from  the  contagious  kitchen,  and  sez  I 
in  a  still  tenderer  xent,  "  Men  love  to 
protect  wimmen,    jFi'tyon  think  so?" 

Sez  Samantbu  in  .i  cau?  ea-'  nable  voice 
peelin'  away  i  ier  j^cUtut  "A  man 
loves  to  pr(»i;^  :  ur-a  w;  mi  a  v, ;  man  agin 
every  man  onJ;/  i.:m  '^i;."  Sez  she, 
''Amanda  rceuic  :  wnL  prote«'ted  hymen 
and  warned." 

And  I  sez  kind  -  hortj  my  tenderer 
emotions  driv  back  into  myself,  "  What 
of  it,  what  if  she  wuz  I " 

And  then  she  had  to  go  on  and  recall 
to  my  mind  that  triflin'  incident  that  had 
occurred  and  took  place  in  Jonesville  the 
fall  before. 

Sez  she,  "You  remember,  Jo8iah,old 
man  Peedick  who  wuz  rich  as  a  Jew,  left 
all  his  money  to  his  boys,  a  ha'^  dsome 
propputy  to  each  one  on  'em,  and .  tmina 
who  had  stayed  to  home  and  took  care  on 
him,  and  lifted  him,  and  rubbed  him, 
and   soaked    him,  and  swet  him,  and 

[69] 


U    ll 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

dressed  and  fed  him,  he  onJy  left  the 
house  and  apple  orchard. 

"  The  boys  all  had  splendid  homes  in 
the  city,  but  their  houses  wuz  either  too 
big  or  too  small,  or  too  hot  or  too  cold,  to 
have  Almina  live  with  'em,  and  she  wuz 
expected  to  git  her  livin'  out  of  the 
apples.  They  wuz  first  class  grafts,  none 
so  good  anywhere  round,  and  brought 
the  very  highest  price,  and  she  would  got 
a  good  livin'  and  laid  up  money,  if  she 
had  been  left  alone,  if  she  hadn't  been 
protected  and  warned. 

"  But  every  single  one  of  them  brothers 
would  come  out  from  the  city  and  warn 
her  agin  the  other  brothers,  and  tell 
her  how  easy  it  wuz  for  a  weak  in- 
nocent woman  to  be  deceived  and 
cheated  by  designin'  men,  her  nearest 
relation  mebby.  And  that  a  gentle 
female's  mind  wuzn't  strong  enough  to 
grapple  with  depravity,  and  she  must 
lean  on  him  for  protection,  and  he  would 
see  her  through,  so  every  single  one  on 
'em  told  her,  and  warned  her  agin  the 
other  six  brothers. 

[70] 


I  Talk  on  Man's  Protectin'  Love 

"  And  Amanda  would  feel  real  affec- 
tionate and  grateful  to  each  one  on  'em 
in  turn,  and  be  glad  she  had  such  a 
strong  protector  and  warner  to  take 
care  of  her.  And  every  single  time 
they  come  to  protect  and  warn  her  they 
would  take  home  a  few  bushels  of  them 
delicious  apples,  and  when  they  got 
through  protectin'  and  warnin'  her,  she 
didn't  have  apples  enough  left  to  make  a 
mess  of  sass." 

But  what  of  it,  what  had  that  got  to  do 
with  my  great  work  that  wuz  seethin' 
through  my  brain?  That  shows  how 
triflin'  and  how  ornary  a  woman's  mind 
is,  to  bring  up  that  old  story  whilst  my 
brain  wuz  workin'  to  a  almost  dangerous 
degree  inside  of  my  forward  tryin'  to 
prove  to  the  female  masses  at  large  the 
great  fact  of  men's  protectin'  love  and  the 
needecessity  for  it,  to  prove  to  'em  as  I 
laid  out  to  prove  to  the  listenin'  world 
that  wimmen  wuz  naterally  inferior  to 
men,  their  brains  smaller  and  lighter, 
when  weighed  up  in  the  stillyards.  Their 
emmanuel  strength  less,  their  idees  more 

[71] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

whifflin'  and  onstabled,  and  that  there- 
fore and  accordingly  wimmen  needed  and 
had  got  to  have  man's  masterful  mind 
and  emmanuel  strength  to  protect  her 
from  the  evils  and  wickedness  of  the 
world,  and  specially  from  the  awful 
tuckerin'  and  dangerous  job  of  votin'. 

At  this  juncter  I  paused  for  a  minute 
to  collect  my  thoughts  together  and  then 
I  brought  forth  from  my  brain  this  con- 
vincin'  argument. 

If  wimmen  don't  need  a  man  to  protect 
her  and  take  care  on  her,  why  is  she  so 
much  more  ignorant  of  sin  and  depravity  ? 
Why  is  there  five  times  more  men  in 
prisons  and  penitentiaries  than  there  is 
wimmen,  if  they  knowed  as  much  about 
crime  as  men  do  ? 

"  No,"  sez  I,  soarin'  up  in  eloquence, 
"  what  a  man  has  been  through  and  been 
educated  up  to  in  business  and  political 
life,  he  knows  how  to  protect  tender 
females  from.  Why,"  sez  I,  fairly  carried 
away  on  the  wings  of  my  own  eloquence, 
"men  can  teach  wimmen  more  in  one 
day    about   criminal  wickedness,  graft, 

[72] 


I  Talk  on  Man's  Protectin'  Love 

false  witnessing,  drunkenness,  bribery, 
political  corruption  of  all  kinds,  than  she 
can  learn  from  her  own  sect  in  months. 
Not  but  what,"  sez  I  reasonably,  "she 
can  learn  some  from  some  on  'em,  but  not 
nigh  so  much  nor  nigh  so  fast." 

I  didn't  know  but  Samantha  would 
take  lumbago  from  my  cuttin'  remarks, 
but  she  didn't  seem  to.  She  took  up  her 
pan  of  peeled  potates  and  prepared  to 
leave  the  room.  But  as  she  went  out  she 
said  sunthin'  agin  about  that  old  Debatin' 
School,  and  the  feller  she  always  tried  to 
git  on  the  other  side  of  the  argument,  so's 
to  help  her  out.  Showin'  as  plain  as  the 
nose  on  your  face  jest  how  queer  wimmen 
are,  how  their  minds  will  wander,  and 
how  impossible  it  is  to  keep  'em  down  to 
the  subject  under  discussion. 


[73  J 


^WT^^^im^: 


i 


WHEREIN  I  PBOVE  MAN'S  OOUBTE»Y 
TOWABDS  WIMMEN 

IN  my  tremenjous  eflforts  to  succor  my 
sufferin'  and  women-hounded  sect  at 
this  awful  epock  of  time,  I  have  al- 
ready held  forth  on  the  beautiful  and 
congenial  subject  of  the  love  and  pro- 
tectin'  care  males  have  always  loved  to 
show  towards  females.  But  agin  I  take 
up  my  steeled  pen  to  write  upon  this 
most  important  subject.  For  I  agin  warn 
my  sect  solemnly  that  this  beautiful  trait 
in  me  and  us,  is  what  we  should  enlarge 
upon,  and  insist  on  makin'  the  female 
sect  admit  at  this  epock  of  danger  and  re- 
volt. 

Yes,  my  suflferin'  sect,  we  should  make 
'em  own  up  to  it,  peacefully  if  we  can, 
but  if  necessary  let  us  insert  it  into  their 
obstinate  craniums  with  a  crowbar  and 
hammer.      For    though    a   weaker   in- 

[74] 


"W^^^ 


£-ir^3-fs?s.-riB^B?^ia 


Wherein  I  Prove  Man's  Courtesy 

teleck  may  not  grasp  its  importance  and 
extreme  needecessity,  it  is  plain  to  the 
eagle  eye  of  a  Researcher  and  Reformer 
of  females  that  if  they  admit  this,  they 
have  got  to  admit  all  that  follers,  the 
perfect  peace  and  rest  they  feel  sur- 
rounded by  these  noble  traits  as  by  a 
shinin'  mantilly. 

With  this  worthy  end  in  view  I've 
tried  to  warn  Samantha  time  and  agin 
that  if  females  insisted  on  risin'  up  and 
demandin'  their  Rights  they  would  be- 
come so  obnoxious  to  the  stronger  and 
opposite  sects  that  men  would  lose  that 
tender  courtesy  they  have  always  loved 
to  show  towards  wimmen.  But  I've 
never  been  able  to  skair  her,  and  I  don't 
know  as  I  ever  shall.  Mebby  this  Great 
Work  of  mine  when  it  is  finished  and 
lanched  onto  a  waitin'  world  may  dant 
her,  but,  I  don't  know,  I  feel  dubersome 
about  it. 

Sez  she  when  I  brung  it  up  to  her  agin, 
"  Men  and  wimmen  are  born  with  differ- 
ent traits ;  wimmen  have  love  and  tender- 
ness and  sympathy  towards  the  helpless, 

[75] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

babies,  husbands,  etc.;  you  insist  that 
votin*  hain't  changed  nor  harmed  men's 
courtesy  and  chivalry  you  talk  so  much 
about,  so  why  should  votin'  break  down 
these  inborn  traits  in  wimmen  that  men 
admire  ?  " 

"  But  you  will  see  that  it  will,"  sez  I, 
"  and  methought  I  had  proved  it  to  you 
on  a  former  occasion  that  it  is  a  scientific 
fact  proved  by  such  scientific  men  as  my- 
self, Simon  Bentley  Esq.,  and  other  deep 
thinkers,  that  the  very  minute  a  woman 
goes  to  the  pole  that  very  minute  a  man's 
courtesy  and  chivalry  towards  her  is  ut- 
terly destroyed." 

But  if  you'll  believe  it  even  this  turri- 
ble  idee  didn't  seem  to  skair  her.  She  sez, 
"  If  I  can't  have  but  one  I'd  ruther  have 
justice  than  courtesy,  but  I'd  like  both, 
and  don't  see  why  I  can't  have  'em." 

But  I  sez  agin  firmly  and  decisively, 
"  You  can't  have  both  on  'em,  for  if  a 
woman  votes,  by  that  brazen  and  onbe- 
comin'  move  of  hern,  wimmen  lose  that 
winnin'  weakness  and  appealin'  charm 
for  men,  their  helplessness  before  the  law 

[76] 


Wherein  I  Prove  Man's  Courtesy 

and  their  clingin'  dependence  upon  them 
to  take  care  of  them  and  their  propputy 
that  is  so  endearin'  to  my  sect.  And  if 
they  spile  this  by  their  obnoxious  act  of 
votin'  they  must  take  the  awful  conse- 
quences." 

Sez  Samantha,  "  It  has  worked  well  in 
other  states ;  it  has  helped  men,  wimmen 
and  children  mentally,  socially  and  le- 
gally. If  it  wuz  such  a  dangerous  thing 
as  you  say  it  is,  why  have  men  granted 
suffrage  to  wimmen  after  it  has  been  tried 
for  twenty  years  or  more  in  a  neighborin' 
state,  right  in  their  own  dooryard  as  you 
may  say?  Would  they  venter  if  they 
hadn't  found  that  it  wuz  a  good  thing?  " 

Sez  I  hautily,  "  I  am  not  talkin'  about 
other  states  or  other  countries,  or  other 
males  or  other  females.  I  am  working  and 
writing  in  the  interests  of  Jonesville  and 
its  environin'  environs.  I  am  tryin'  to 
ward  off  with  my  right  hand,  and  my 
steeled  pen  the  waves  of  error  that  I  see 
in  my  own  mind  sweepin'  down  nigher 
and  nigher  onto  us." 

And  I  went  on  with  a  soarin'  eloquence 
[77] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 


I 


enough  to  melt  the  heart  of  a  salamander, 
"  I  stand  at  the  Qate  of  Jonesville  as  the 
boy  stood  on  the  burnin'  deck  when  all 
but  him  had  flowed,  and  I  will  stand 
there  protectin'  that  Gate,  and  us  male 
Jonesvillians  from  infringin'  and  en- 
croachin'  females  till  I'm  sot  fire  to." 

I  waved  out  my  hand  in  a  noble  jester 
as  I  spoke,  and  spozed  mebby  it  would 
touch  Samantha's  heart  But  she  looked 
at  me  over  her  specs  from  head  to  foot  in 
the  cool  aggravatin'  way  wimmen  have 
sometimes,  and  I  read  in  her  eyes  the  re- 
mark she  didn't  utter : 

"  You  hain't  big  enough  to  make  much 
of  a  bonfire." 

But  I  didn't  reply  to  that  unuttered 
tant,  I  felt  above  it,  and  went  on,  "  I  am 
not  the  only  man  who  takes  that  firm 
onchangeable  position.  England  has  a 
high  official  who  occupies  the  same  noble 
poster.  He  don't  heed  or  care  what  fe- 
males want  or  don't  want,  nor  what  other 
statesmen  want  or  don't  want.  Nor  he 
don't  care  what  is  goin'  on  in  other  parts 
of  the  world,  or  not  goin'  on.    His  proud 

[78] 


Wheran  I  Prove  Man's  Courtesy 

petition  is  to  shield  England  from  the 
enoroachin'  army  of  Female  Suffragists. 
To  do  what  he's  made  up  his  mind  to  do, 
and  nothin'  can't  etop  him,  not  threats, 
nor  reason,  nor  argument,  nor  broken 
winders,  nor  torn  coat  tails.  A  good 
hard  shakin'  from  a  female  can't  change 
him,  nor  shake  his  resolve  out  of  him, 
nor  hunger  strikes,  nor  fleein'  wimmen, 
nor  pursuin'  ones.  He  stands  side  by  side 
with  me.  And  even  if  it  brought  the 
towers  of  Jonesville  and  England  in  ruins 
at  our  four  feet  we  would  not  then  change 
our  two  great  minds. 

"  His  bizness  is  to  not  look  to  see  what 
is  done  in  other  places  or  not  done,  but 
to  protect  his  own  Qreen  Isle  from  what 
he's  made  up  his  mind  is  dangerous  and 
infringin'. 

"Oh,"  sez  I  with  a  deep  heart  felt 
sithe,  "  would  that  we  two  congenial  souls 
might  meet  and  sympathize  with  each 
other.  But  though  sea  and  land  divides 
our  bodies,  our  sperits  meet  and  flow  to- 
gether." I  wuz  almost  lost  in  the  rapped 
idee  of  the  sweet  conference  meetin'  we 

[79] 


Joiiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

two  could  ei^oy  together.  But  anon  I 
gin  my  attention  to  the  subject  momen- 
tarily broke  in  upon  (for  my  mind  is  so 
large  and  roomy  it  is  big  enough  for  sev- 
eral trains  of  thought  to  run  through  it 
at  one  time). 

And  I  sez  as  I  remarked  prior  and 
heretofore,  "  Samantha,  that  courtesy  in 
males  is  a  most  beautiful  trait ;  you  see  it 
everywhere,  to  mill  and  to  meetin',  as  the 
old  sayin'  is.  Now  last  week  when  I 
wuz  to  the  conference,  Uncle  Si  me  and 
I  wuz  in  a  crowded  street  car  and  a  dret- 
ful  fat  woman  come  in,  heftier  than  you 
are,  Samantha." 

"  Is  it  possible  7  "  sez  she  coldly  (she 
thinks  I  make  light  of  her  heft  but  I 
don't ;  it  hain't  uothin'  to  make  light  of, 
specially  when  you  lift  her  in  and  out 
the  democrat). 

"Yes,"  sez  I,  "she  wuz  even  fatter 
than  you  are,  and  she  come  in  red-faced 
and  pantin'  from  the  exertion.  And  a 
young  chap  who  had  been  settin'  with 
two  or  three  other  young  fellers  carryin' 
on  and  laughin',  the  very  minute  she 

[80] 


Wherein  I  Prove  Man's  Courtesy 

oome  wheoBin'  in,  he  riz  up  and  sez  to 
her: 

" '  I  will  be  one  of  three  men  to  give 
you  a  seat,  madam.' 

"  You  see,  Samantha,"  sez  I, "  how  that 
inborn  courtesy  in  males  inserted  itself 
even  in  a  street  car." 

"  Yes,  I  see,"  sez  Samantha  in  a  still 
colder  axent,  but  I  could  tell  by  her  line- 
ment  that  she  wuzn't  a  mite  convinced. 
And  I  went  on  a  praisin'  up  that  noble 
trait  of  my  sect,  and  tryin'  to  convince 
her  how  universal  it  wuz,  and  how  tur- 
rible  it  would  be  for  females  to  lose  it. 
but  she  kep'  on  a  knittin'  on  my  blue 
sock,  and  sez  in  quite  a  reasonable  axent 
for  a  female  to  use : 

"  Yes,  to  see  a  great  hearted  noble  man 
guard  and  protect  a  woman  is  a  beau- 
tiful sight,  but,"  sez  she,  "that  trait, 
though  sometimes  seen,  is  not  universal." 
Sez  I,  "  It  is;  it  is  jest  as  universal  as 
—as — any  universalist  ever  wuz." 

But  she  kep'  right  on  in  the  persistent, 
irritatin'  way  wimmen  have ;  as  I've  said 
prior  and  before,  they  can't  seem  to  be 

[8i] 


MICROCOfY   RISOIUTION   TEST  CHART 

(ANSI  and  ISO  TEST  CHART  No.  2) 


la  123 

USB     ^^^ 

1b 

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^  APPLIED  IIS/MGE    Inc 

SS*^  1653  East  Main  Street 

^S  Rochester,  New  York        14609      USA 

'^S  (716)  482  -  0300  -  Phone 

^S  (716)  288  -  S989  -  Fox 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

willin'  to  give  up  to  man's  superior 
judgment,  they're  hound  to  talk  and 
argy.  And  her  voice  wuz  as  firm  as  any 
rock  in  our  medder,  and  if  there  is  any- 
thing more  firmer  and  aggravatin'  than 
them  I'd  like  to  see  'em.  She  made  me 
think  that  minute  of  them  big  rocks 
when  I  wuz  try  in'  to  plough  round  'em. 
I  see  I  could  jest  as  easy  make  a  furrer 
through  them  as  through  her  sot  obsti- 
nate old  mind  as  she  said  agin : 

"  Men  don't  always  use  courtesy  towards 
wimmen." 

As  she  made  that  damagin'  insertion 
agin,  is  it  any  wonder  that  the  plough  of 
my  manly  judgment  struck  fire  from  her 
rocky  obstinacy?  I  acted  fearful  wrathy 
and  disputed  her  right  up  and  down. 

Sez  I,  "  That  is  sunthin'  that  no  man 
will  stand  for ;  they  will  not  brook  bein' 
accused  of  a  lack  of  courtesy  towards 
wimmen."  I  acted  dretful  indignant,  for 
in  this  turrible  time  us  men  have  got  to 
lay  holt  of  every  little  nub  of  argument 
and  hang  onto  it  like  a  dog  to  a  bone,  or 
the  Lord  only  knows  what  will  become 

[82] 


Wherein  I  Prove  Man  s  Courtesy 

on  us,  or  how  low  a  hole  we  will  be  ground 
down  into  by  the  high  heels  of  females. 

Sez  Samantha,  "I  admit  there  are 
beautiful  instances  of  men  protectin'  and 
guardin'  wimmen,  but  how  wuz  it  with 
Fez  Lanfear?  He  wuz  always  boastin' 
about  men's  courtesy  and  chivalry,  and 
how  did  it  come  out? " 

I  sot  silent  and  scratched  my  head  for 
a  minute  or  so,  not  as  Samantha  intimi- 
dated to  try  to  dig  out  a  favorable  idee, 
no,  it  itched. 

And  I  sez,  "  Id'no  as  I  blame  Fez  for 
always  talkin'  about  this  trait  in  his  sect, 
and  Id'no  as  I  blame  him  for  what  it  led 
to."    He  see  how  necessary  it  wuz  to  insist 
on  men's  havin'  these  traits,  and  his  wife 
would  argy  agin  him,  and  he'd  git  riled 
up.     He  always  had  to  be  real  sharp  with 
her  and  boss  her,  for  if  he  hadn't  he  would 
lost  the  upper  hand  of  her,  which  every 
man  ort  to  have,  and  she  would  took  the 
advantage  on  him  and  run  on  him.     For 
the  propputy  all  belonged  to  her  and  it 
made  Fez  discouraged,  and  took  his  am- 
bition away,  and  he  couldn't  seem  to  set 

[83] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

himself  to  work,  and  all  the  comfort  he 
had  wuz  in  arguin'  on  them  traits  of  men 
and  playin'  on  the  fiddle  and  hase  drum, 
80  she  rented  her  place  and  they  lived  on 
what  she  got  for  it. 

But  knowin'  it  wuz  her  ruff  that 
covered  him,  and  her  chairs  he  sot  in, 
and  her  vittles  he  et,  and  clothes  he  wore, 
made  him  irritated  and  fraxious,  and  he 
knowed  he'd  got  to  sass  her  and  act  uppish 
towards  her  or  he  wouldn't  be  nothin'  nor 
nobody.  And  she  would  act  real  dis- 
agreeable and  tell  him  she'd  love  to  see 
some  of  the  courtesy  of  his  sect  he  talked 
so  much  about  showed  out  by  him  to 
home,  and  she  doubted  he  had  any,  and 
knowin'  that  he  had  oceans  of  it,  for  every 
man  has,  it  naterally  madded  him. 

And  one  washin'  day  they  got  to  ar- 
guin'  and  he  brung  up  them  noble  traits 
of  men,  and  their  onvaryin'  courtesy  and 
generosity  towards  wimmen.  And  right 
in  the  midst  on't  she  asked  him  to  bring 
in  two  pails  of  water  to  finish  her  washin' 
on  account  of  her  havin'  a  lame  back. 

He  wuz  practicin'  a  new  piece  entitled 
[84] 


I? 

'1 


Wherein  I  Prove  Man's  Courtesy 

"  Woman,  Lovely  Woman,"  and  bein'  so 
interested  in  it  and  bein'  broke  off  so 
sadden  from  melody  and  men's  noble 
traits  to  act  as  a  chore  boy  (he'd  argyed 
so  much  he  could  argy  and  fiddle)  and  a 
smartin'  I  spoze  from  the  dispute  they 
wuz  havin',  he  wouldn't  git  her  the  water 
and  told  her  real  short  to.git  it  herself. 

And  as  she  started  with  two  pails  for  the 
water — they  brung  it  up  from  the  creek 
by  hand,  for  Fez  had  never  had  time  to 
make  a  cistern — she  twitted  him  agin 
about  that  courtesy  of  men  towards 
wimmen,  and  bein'  so  high  strung  and 
independent  sperited,  he  up  and  hit  her 
and  knocked  her  down,  and  stood  over 
her  a  hollerin' : 

"  Now  will  you  dispute  me  agin,  and 
say  that  men  don't  show  any  courtesy 
towards  wimmen?"  And  bein'  browbeat 
and  skairt  (for  he  wuz  a  great  strong 
man  and  she  a  little  mite  of  a  woman 
and  tired  out)  she  had  to  knuckle  down 
ai  d  admit  that  men  did  have  courtesy, 
oceans  of  it.  But  he  wouldn't  git  the 
water,  he  showed  his  independence  there 

[85] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 


and  she  better  kep'  still  and  not  aggra- 
vated him. 

Lots  of  folks  blamed  him,  Samantha 
did,  them  that  see  shaller,  and  didn't  see 
deep   into   first  causes.    Ke  told  Uncle 
Si  me  and  me  jest  how  it  wuz ;  he  said  that 
mad  and  aggravated  as  he  wuz  he  didn't 
forgit   that   his    wife    belonged    to  the 
weaker  and  tenderer  sect,  and  it  wuz  a 
husband's  duty  and  privelige  to  take  care 
on  her  and  shield  her  from  harm.     And 
he  said  he  didn't  hit  her  hard  at  all,  only 
gin  her  a  little  tunk  to  let  her  know  who 
wuz  master  there  and  that  he  wouldn't 
brook  female  arguin',  and  he  said  that 
if  she  hadn't  been  so  tuckered  out  it 
wouldn't  have  hurt  her  much  of  any, 
and  he  wuz  as  surprised  as  she  wuz  when 
she   tumbled    over.    But  he  said  seein' 
she  laid  there  on  the  floor  he  see  it  wuz 
his  duty  to  his  own  sect  to  make  her  own 
up  how  truly  superior  men  wuz,  and  how 
much  courtesy  they  had,  for  he  thought 
mebby  he  should  never  git  so  good  a 
chance  agin  to  make  her  own  up  to  them 
noble  traits  of  men.    Uncle  Sime  and  I 

[86] 


Wherein  I  Prove  Man's  Courtesy 

both  see  how  Fez  felt  and  what  driv  him 
to  do  what  he  did. 

I  tell  you  agin  it  is  a  perilous  and  ago- 
nizin'  epock  of  time  for  the  male  sect  at 
home  and  abroad.  Men  in  America 
havin'to  set  curled  up  on  a  bench  by  the 
side  of  the  road,  and  see  weak  wimmeu, 
underlines,  a  marchin'  by  'em  in  the 
center  of  the  street  with  brass  bands  and 
banners  a  flyin'.  And  in  England  the 
highest  official  of  the  Empire  held  by 
the  collar  and  shook  by  a  weak  female 
jest  like  a  spitball  thrower  of  a  school- 
boy, and  couldn't  resent  it  in  court  owin' 
to  his  havin'  so  much  dignity  at  the 
stake. 

Oh,  my  down  trod  sect  I  what  are  we  a 
comin'  to?  I  do  git  so  wrought  up  a 
meditatin'  on  the  dretful  things  that  are 
a  happenin'  to  us  men  nowdays,  and  how 
browbeat  and  how  humiliated  we  are  by 
our  inferiors,  I  git  so  cast  down  and  de- 
prested  that  my  melancholy  sperit  has  to 
bust  out  in  poetry.  For  some  time  I've 
had  them  feelin's.  Now  last  Christmas 
night  I  had  such  a  spell,  and  I  had  to  git 

[87] 


J- 

r 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

.  out  of  bad  and  put  Samantha's  crazy 
quilt  round  me  (and  it  seemed  as  if  that 
insane  quilt  made  me  feel  more  high 
strung  and  wild)  and  go  out  in  the  settin' 
room  and  ease  my  strugglin'  sperit  in 
verse. 

Why,  sometimes  it  seems  if  I  didn't 
have    this  safety  valve  to  my  bustin', 
swellin'  emotions  it  seems  almost  as  if  1 
should  have  to  be  hooped  to  keep  myself 
together.     But  poetry  kinder  easies  me  a 
little.    Now  last  Saturday  night  I  writ  the 
follerin'  verses  as  late  as  leven  p.  m.    We'd 
been  to  meetin'  as  usual,  and  had  a  splen- 
did Christmas  dinner.    Samantha,  as  I 
have  mentioned  prior  and   before  this, 
with  all  the  weaknesses  and  shortcomin's 
of  her  inferior  sect,  is  a  masterly  cook. 
But  it  is  all  nonsense  her  thinkin'  I  et 
too  much ;  I  didn't  eat  more'n  four  pieces 
of  mince  pie,  and  three  helpin's  of  plum 
puddin',  besides  the  turkey  and  vege- 
tables and  salad  and  such.    If  a  strong 
man  belongin'  to  a  strong  and  superior 
sect  can't  stand  that,  it  is  a  pity. 
She  insisted  that  it  wuz  r  nightmair 
[88] 


ill 


H 


Wherein  I  Prove  Man's  Courtesy 

that  Bot  on  my  chist  and  rid  me  out  of 
bed  into  the  settin'  room  that  time  o' 
night.  But  it  wuzn't  no  such  thing,  it 
wuz  my  melancholy  and  deprested  sperit 
that  overcome  me  a  thinkin'  of  my  sect 
and  what  wuzn't  to  be. 

It  seems  as  if  everything  melancholy 
and  cast  down  appeared  right  in  front  on 
me.  Seems  as  if  I  could  see  old  Fate  a 
encouragin'  and  pompeyin'  the  more  op- 
posite sect,  and  turnin'  her  back  and 
luokin'  down  onto  me  and  my  sect,  and 
refusin'  me  and  us  things  she  might  have 
gin  us  if  she'd  a  mind  to.  But  bein'  a 
female  we  might  know  she'd  be  contrary 
and  love  to  tromple  on  us,  and  on  me  in 
petickular.  As  I  sot  there  in  them  solemn 
night  hours,  with  Samantha  sleepin' 
peacefully  in  the  next  room  and  the  old 
clock  tickin'  away  as  if  onmindful  of  the 
sufierin'  sperit  near  it,  it  seemed  as  if 
every  mean  jab  old  Fate  had  ever  gin 
me  from  her  sharp  elbows  and  hard 
knuckles  riz  right  up  before  me,  and  I 
seemed  to  see  all  the  agreable  things  she 
might  have  did  for  the  benefit  of  me  and 

[89] 


'     ii 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

my  sect  if  she  hadn't  been  so  contrary, 
but  as  I  said,  what  could  you  expect  of  a 
female?  My  feelin's  wuz  turrible;  the 
verses  I  gin  vent  to  relieved  me  a  little 
some  like  prickin'  a  bile  and  after  writin' 
*em  I  went  back  to  bed  and  slep'  so  sound 
that  I  never  hearn  Samantha  buildin'  a 
fire  and  gittin'  breakfast  till  the  sweet 
uroma  of  the  coffee  and  briled  chops  stole 
on  my  wakened  senses  and  I  forgot  for 
the  moment  the  trials  of  me  and  my 
sect  and  felt  better  than  I  did  feel.  The 
verses  wuz  entitled : 


'  :;l 


A  CHBISTMA8  OWED 
By  Jo»iah  AUen,  Eaq.y  P.  M.  8.  J.  C.  F. 
Yes  Cairistmas  has  come,  it  got  here  at  last, 
A  bringin'  me  memories  out  of  the  past. 
And  a  pair  of  galluses,  a  necktie  sad— 
A  gray  night-shirt  and  a  paper  pad  ; 
Usefal  presents,  but  nothin'  gay. 
Useful  presents,  dum  'em  1  I  say  ! 
I  wanted  some  jew'by  for  the  brethren  to  see, 
But  it  wuzn't  to  be,  it  wuzn't  to  be. 

Ministers  preach  'tis  a  blessed  day. 
And  so  it  is  in  a  meetin'  house  way ; 
But  to  me  it  has  been  a  day  of  gloom, 
Samantha  I  see  didn't  like  the  broom, 

[90] 


I 


Wherein  I  Prove  Man's  Courtesy 

And  mop-8tiok,  aud  pair  of  cowhide  shuea, 
It  took  me  the  heft  of  a  hour  to  ohiue ; 
It  made  me  deprested,  and  moomftilee 
Pve  moaed  on  the  things  that  vuzn't  to  be. 

Weak  females  risin'  on  every  hand 
Fertendin'  that  they're  equal  to  man  — 
Wantin'  to  stand  right  np  by  his  side, 
Inrtead  of  the  place  where  they  ort  to  abide 
Down  in  the  safety  and  peace  at  his  feet ; 
Oh  the  dear  old  times,  so  happy  so  sweety 
Will  never  come  back  to  my  sect,  nor  to  me, 
Ho,  it  wozn't  to  be,  it  wnzn't  to  be. 

Yes,  I  gness  old  Fate  made  a  slip  of  her  pen, 
When  fizin'  the  lot  of  the  children  of  men, 
'Twas  bad  for  the  world  and  for  me  I  ween 
That  I  wnzn't  born  a  king  or  a  queen ; 
My  bald  head  shines  out  bare  and  cold, 
Or  wears  a  hat,  oh  a  crown  of  gold 
Would  set  it  oflf  fur  agreabler  to  me. 
But  it  wuzn't  to  be,  it  wnzn't  to  be. 

Fate  sets  a  writln'  in  darkness  and  night, 
'Tain't  spozeable  she  always  gits  things  right ; 
To  the  poor  she  sends  ten  children  or  more 
Crowdin'  in  through  Famine  Wolves  round  the 

door, 
While  for  one  kid  the  rich  may  vainly  sigh, 
But  she  flirts  her  skirts  and  passes  'em  by  ; 
Why  hain't  villains  shot  while  the  good  go  fkeet 
It  wuzn't  to  be,  it  wnzn't  to  be. 

[91] 


il 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

A  poet  oomea  with  his  dreamy  way 

Bight  into  a  neet  of  commoo  clay  ; 

And  in  picas  home  a  suul  gits  in 

The  sue  of  the  hole  in  the  head  of  a  pin  ; 

So  'tain't  so  slrauge  some  feller  and  I 

Should  git  mixed  up  on  our  way  through  the  sky  ; 

If  I  had  to  be  born  why  not  been  he. 

It  wuzn't  to  be,  it  wuzu't  to  be. 

Fate  sort  o'  yanked  me  and  throwed  me  down 
On  a  Yankee  hillside  bare  and  brown  ; 
And  gin  me  a  chance  to  die  or  live 
Accordin'  to  labor  I  had  to  give ; 
I  couldn't  eat  stuns  or  a  burdock  burr, 
So  I  hac'  to  hustle  and  make  things  purr, 
No  bread-fruit  round,  nor  no  custard-tree ; 
No,  it  wuzu't  to  be,  it  wuzu't  to  be. 

Now  that  other  feller  that  might  have  been  me 
By  a  turn  of  Fate's  pen,  oh  in  luxury 
He  lays  and  counts  up  his  millions  in  bed, 
With  his  crown  on  the  bed-post  over  his  head  ; 
I  wonder  by  Snnm  !  if  he  thinks  it  straight— 
For  me  to  be  small  and  him  to  be  great ; 
When  I  might  have  been  him  and  he  might  have 

been  me. 
But  it  wuzn't  to  be,  it  wuzu't  to  be. 


I*d  ask  how  he'd  like  it  to  take  off  his  crown 
And  to  good  hard  hoein'  knuckle  down. 
Or  plantin',  or  hayin',  or  a  weed  puUin'  bee 
In  onion  beds,  (dum  'em  from  A  to  Z  !) 

[92] 


Wherein  I  Prove  Man's  Courtesy 

I  bet  I  could  work  on  his  feelln's  bo  deep 
Ho'd  np  and  divide  a  part  of  his  beap, 
Jest  a  thinkin'  of  how  he  might  have  been  me— 
But  it  wuzn't  to  be,  it  wozn't  to  be. 

Now  that  feller's  wife,  I  presoom  to  say 
That  some  of  the  time  he  has  his  way ; 
He's  so  tarnal  Incky  and  happy  and  fat^ 
It  would  be  jest  like  him  to  git  eveu  that 
Oh  I'd  dearly  love  to  have  it  to  say 
That  onoe^  jest  once  I'd  had  my  way 
When  Samantha  and  I  didn't  chauce  to  agree. 
But  it  wuzn't  to  be,  it  wuzn't  to  be. 

Samantha  of  course  had  to  find  fault 
with  these  sad  but  beautiful  verses. 
And  she  asked  me  what  them  letters 
meant  I  had  strung  along  after  my 
name,  showin'  plain  the  inherient  weak- 
ness of  a  female's  brain. 

Of  course  a  man  would  see  to  once 
that  they  stood  for  Path  Master  and 
Salesman  in  the  Jonesville  Cheese  Fac- 
tory. I  had  talked  it  over  with  Uncle 
Sime  and  we  both  agreed  that  at  this 
time,  when  the  hull  race  of  men  wuz 
facin'  complete  insignificance,  if  not  tee- 
total anhiliation,  it  behooved  us  to  lay 
holt  of  every  speck  of  dignity  we  could 

[93] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

lay  our  hands  on,  and  we  both  thought 
them  letters  made  my  name  look  more 
noble  and  riz  up. 

But  Samantha  didn't  like  the  verses  at 
all,  and  agin  advanced  the  uroneous  idee 
that  it  wuz  my  liver  that  ailed  me  in- 
stead of  genius. 

Sez  she,  "  If  folks  will  gorge  them- 
selves *  till  their  eyes  stand  out  with  fat- 
ness,' as  the  Good  Book  sez,  how  can 
they  see  plain  to  gratefully  count  over 
the  blessin's  the  past  year  has  brought 
'em,  and  lay  plans  to  pass  on  some  of 
their  good  cheer  to  them  that  set  in  the 
shadders  of  grief  and  poverty  ?  " 

She  said  I'd  be  all  right  in  a  day  or 
two,  and  if  I  wuzn't  she  should  soak  my 
head,  and  doctor  me,  for,  sez  she, "  I  hain't 
goin'  to  have  anybody  round  writin'  such 
deprestin'  and  ongrateful  verses. 

"Lots  of  times,"  sez  she,  "if  senti- 
mental and  melancholy  poets  would  git 
their  livers  to  workin'  better  they 
wouldn't  harrer  up  their  readers  so. 
Catnip  would  help  'em  to  look  on  the 
brighter  side  of  life,  or  thoroughwort " 

[94] 


Wherein  I  Prove  Man's  Courtesy 

And  she  didn't  like  the  last  pathetic 
and  interestin'  stanza ;  she  said  I'd  had 
my  way,  or  thought  I'd  had  it  time  and 
agin.  And  agin  she  said  it  wuz  my  liver 
that  ailed  me,  and  she  even  approached 
me  with  some  catnip  tea. 

Good  heavens  1  Oatnipl  to  curb  my 
soarin'  sperit,  and  soothe  the  ardent  emo- 
tions of  my  soul. 

A  regular  fool  idee.  You  might  know 
it  sprung  from  a  female's  brain,  or  ruther 
the  holler  spot  where  brains  should  be — 
Gracious  heaven  I     Catnip  ! 


[95] 


VI 


I  TALK  ON  FEMALES  INFBINGIN' 

AS  I've  repeated  time  and  agin  it  is 
a  apaulin'  epock  of  time  us  males 
are  a  passin'  through.  More  and 
more,  day  by  day  and  year  by  year  the 
female  sect  is  a  infringin'  on  us.  Right 
after  right,  privelige  after  privelige,  dear 
to  our  manly  souls  as  the  very  apples  in 
our  eyes,  are  grasped  holt  on  by  en- 
croachin'  female  hands  and  torn  away 
from  us  weak  and  helpless  men. 

From  birth  to  death  the  infringin* 
goes  on,  you  can't  take  up  a  newspaper 
now  but  you  see  signs  on't.  In  the  good 
old  times  when  a  man  had  a  child  born 
to  him  to  carry  on  his  name  and  his  prop- 
puty  to  future  generations,  he  took  the 
credit  on't.  How  is  it  told  on  now  ?  in- 
stead of  puttin'  it  in  as  it  used  to  be, 
and  ort  to  be,  "John  Smith  has  got  a 

[96] 


I  Talk  on  Females  Infringin' 

son,  John  Smith  Jr." — it  is  writ  down 
now  in  this  fool  way  : 

"A  son  is  born  to  John  and  Mary 
Smith."  What's  the  use  on't?  John's 
name  is  enough  any  lool  would  know 
there  wuz  a  female  somewhere  connected 
with  the  event  in  a  womanly  onobstru- 
sive  way,  but  why  do  they  have  to  bring 
her  name  forward  to  set  her  up,  and  spile 
her,  and  mention  all  these  little  peticku- 
lars? 

Why,  how  wuz  it  in  Bible  times,  as  I 
asked  Samantha,  sez  I,  "  From  the  very 
first  it  wuz  set  down  as  it  ort  to  be  and  a 
sample  to  foller,  Noah  begot  Ham,  and 
Ham  begot  Cush,  and  Gush  begot  Nimrod, 
and  they  kep'  on  begettin'  and  begettin', 
chapter  after  chapter,  and  no  female's 
name  connected  with  it  in  any  way,  shape 
or  manner."  Sez  I, "  Hain't  that  a  solemn 
proof,  Samantha,  that  females  are  inferior 
and  wuzn't  considered  worth  writin' 
about  ?  "  Sez  I,  "  You  nor  no  other  Fe- 
male Suffragist  can  squirm  out  of  that." 

Sez  Samantha,  "  Men  translated  the 
Bible,  but  I  can  tell  you,"  sez  she,  "  that 

[97] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

when  Miss  Ham,  racked  with  agonizin' 
pain,  went  down  to  death's  door  for  little 
Gush,  whilst  Mr.  Ham  wuzsanterin' round 
Canean  smart  as  a  cricket,  and  probable 
flirtin'  with  some  good  lookin'  four- 
mother,  if  Miss  Ham  had  writ  it  up  for 
the  Daily  Paper  her  name  would  been 
mentioned  in  the  transaction." 

That's  jest  the  way  it  is,  even  Bible 
proof  can't  stop  wimmen's  clack  and 
argyin'.  Yes,  jest  as  I  said,  infringin' 
follers  a  man  from  the  cradle  to  the  grave. 
For  I'll  be  hanged  if  you  don't  see  it 
writ  nowdays,  "James  Brown,  beloved 
husband  of  Sarah  Brown."  How  bold, 
how  forward  I  htLsband  of  I  It  seems  as  if 
it  is  enough  to  make  his  grampa,  old 
Jotham  Brown,  turn  over  in  his  grave 
and  try  to  git  up,  to  stop  such  doin's.  He 
lived  in  a  time  when  females  knowed 
their  place  and  kep'  in  it.  He  had  twenty- 
one  children  by  his  seven  different  wives, 
md  every  one  on  'em  wuz  put  in  the 
paper  and  the  old  Fambly  Bible  credited 
to  him;  ketch  him  bavin'  any  female's 
name  mixed  up  with  it,  oh  no  I    They 

[98] 


I  Talk  on  Females  Infringin' 

couldn't  infringe  on  him,  not  whilst  he 
wuz  alive,  they  couldn't.  He  worked  his 
wives  hard,  and  when  one  died  off,  he 
married  another.  He  said  as  long  as  the 
Lord  kep'  takin'  'em,  he  ihould. 

As  I  said  no  female  couldn't  git  the 
better  of  him  whilst  he  wuz  alive,  but 
they  played  a  nasty  mean  trick  on  him 
after  he  wuz  dead.  His  last  wife  wuz  a 
high  headed  creeter,  or  would  have  been 
if  lie  hadn't  broke  her  in,  and  held  her 
head  down  with  such  a  tight  rain.  But 
owin'  to  his  disagreein'  with  all  his  chil- 
dren and  bloody  relatives  she  got  the 
propputy  all  in  her  hands,  and  after  he 
died  she  got  tall  noble  gravestuns  for 
every  one  of  his  different  wives,  almost 
monuments,  with  a  long  verse  of  poetry 
on  each  one  on  'em,  and  their  names  writ 
down  in  full. 

"  Mahala  Eliza— Mehitable  Jane- 
Amanda  Mandana— Drusilly  Charity— 
Priscilla  Charlotte— Alzina  Tryphee 
— Diantha  Cordelia — all  carved  in  big 
deep  letters,  and  their  names  before  they 
wuz  married.     These  seven  high  stuns 

[99] 


;   )  i 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

stood  in  a  sort  of  a  half  circle  with  a  little 
low  stun  in  the  center  and  on  it  printed 
in  little  letters  wuz  : 

"  Our  Husband." 

It  looked  dretful ;  but  his  children  all 
hatin'  him  as  they  did  they  didn't  inter- 
fere. But  it  wuz  a  mean  trick  and  she 
couldn't  have  done  it  if  he'd  been  alive, 
no  indeed.  But  seein'  he  wuzn't  there  to 
rain  her  in  and  hold  her  down,  she  took 
the  advantage  on  him  as  wimmen  will 
if  you  give  'em  the  chance.  Folks  all 
thought  she  done  it  to  come  up  with  him 
for  bein'  so  hard  on  his  different  wives, 
and  keepin'  'em  down  so,  and  I  presoom 
she  did.  I  presoom  she  wuz  a  regular  fe- 
male infringer  and  suffrager. 

Now  in  the  marriage  notices,  instead  of 
bein'  put  in  the  newspaper  in  the  modest 
becomin'  way  it  used  to  be,  "John 
Smith's  son  married  to  Mary  Brown,"  it 
has  to  be  put  in  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Smith's  son 
or  daughter  is  married.  Where  is  the 
good  horse  sense  on't  ?  Everybody  would 
know  that  young  Smith  had  a  mother 
somewhere  in  the  background,  but  what's 

[lOO] 


I  Talk  on  Females  Infringin' 

the  use  of  bringin'  her  forward  so  and 
makin'  on  her  7  It  is  jest  to  infringe  on 
men,  that's  what  it  is  for. 

And  when  Luke  Dingman  married 
Nancy  Whittle  she  had  the  money  to 
start  a  store  bizness,  but  Luke  bein'  a 
man,  his  wuz  the  name  that  ort  to  been 
spoke  on,  and  he  went  and  got  a  hand- 
some  sign  all  painted  "  Luke  Dingman's 
Store."  And  if  you'll  believe  it  Nancy 
made  him  git  it  painted  all  over  agin 
"L.  and  N.  Dingman's  Store."  What 
wuz  the  use  of  draggin'  a  female's  ini- 
tional  into  it?  Jest  to  infringe  on  us 
men.  But  lots  of  men  made  fun  on't 
and  told  Luke  he'd  ort  to  been  man 
enough  to  stand  his  ground  and  kep'  the 
first  sign.  They  say  it  makes  Luke  real 
huffy,  and  he  takes  it  out  on  Nancy,  is 
dretful  mean  to  her,  but  she's  only  got 
herself  to  blame,  she  hadn't  ort  to  in- 
fringed on  him. 

And  last  week  Samantha  and  I  went 
to  Philena  Peedick's  weddin'.  And  when 
the  minister  asked,  "Who  giveth  this 
woman  to  this  man?  "  the  widder  Peedick 

[  lo:  ]  . 


'  1  f 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

walked  up  bold  as  brass,  and  gin  Philena 
away,  she,  a  feTmcUe  woman  !  Never,  as  I 
told  Uncle  Si  me,  never  did  I  see  a  plainer 
or  more  flagrant  case  of  infringin'  on 
men's  rights.  Why,  Philena  had  a  male 
uncle  there,  and  ruther  than  see  such 
things  go  on  I  would  have  gin  her  away 
myself. 

But  thank  Heaven,  there  is  one  thing 
they  hain't  changed  yet,  females  have  got 
to  knuckle  down  and  be  gin  away  to  a 
man,  in  marriage,  that's  a  little  comfort. 
"  Who  giveth  this  woman  I "  They  have 
got  to  hear  that,  much  as  it  may  gald 
'em. 

But  as  I  told  Uncle  Sime,  it  would  be 
jest  like  'em  to  try  to  change  that.  And 
I  told  him  the  first  we  knew  a  female 
would  snake  a  man  up  to  the  altar,  and 
the  minister  would  be  made  to  say.  Who 
giveth  this  man  to  this  woman  ?  and  the 
woman  who  walked  him  up  there  would 
say,  "  I  give  him."  And  then  she'll  hand 
him  over  to  the  bride.  Oh,  my  soull 
have  I  ever  got  to  see  that  day?  Uncle 
Sime  and  I  both  said  that  we  hoped  and 

[102] 


%4 


I  Talk  on  Females  Infringin' 


trusted  that  we  would  be  dead  and  buried 
under  our  tombs  before  that  humiliation 
come  onto  our  sect. 

Uncle  Sime  and  I  sympathize  a  lot  to- 
gether and  talk  of  the  good  old  times  and 
forebode  about  the  future.  And  one  day 
when  my  sperit  seemed  crushed  down 
and  deprested  more  than  common,  and 
the  future  for  us  men  looked  dark  and 
gloomy  indeed,  I  sez  to  him : 

"Simon,  I  see  ahead  on  us  the  time 
when  I  shall  be  called  Mr.  Samantha 
Smith." 

Uncle  Sime,  though  very  smart,  hain't 
got  my  mind,  sort  o'  forebodin'  and  pro- 
phetic, and  much  as  he'd  worried  about 
wimmen's  infringin',  he  hadn't  foreboded 
to  that  extent,  and  he  trembled  like  a 
popple  leaf  at  them  dretful  words  and  sez : 

"Oh,  gracious  heavens,  Josiahl  how 
can  we  men  ever  stand  up  under  that  I " 

But  I  went  on,  turnin'  the  knife  in  the 
wownd,  "Mr.  Kittie  Brown,  Mr.  Nellie 
Jones  I  What  do  you  think  of  that, 
Simon?" 

He  groaned  and  sithed  but  didn't  say 
[103] 


'  I 


I 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

nothin';  it  seemed  as  if  the  very  idee  had 
fairly  stuntrd  him,  and  I  kep'  still  and 
meditated  and  my  mind  roamed  back  to 
the  humiliatin'  time  when  I  laid  my 
onwillin'    nose    on    the   grindstun,    or 
ruther  it  wuz  laid  on  for  me  and  held 
there,  and  I  signed  a  piece  of  poetry  I 
had  writ  "  Samantha  Allen's  Husband." 
It  hain't  no  use  to  go  into  the  petioku- 
lars  and  tell  all  about  the  means  em- 
ployed to  git  me  under  such  mortifyin' 
subjugation.    Vittles  had  sunthin'  to  do 
with  it,  and  I  hain't  goin'  to  tell  no  fur- 
der.     But  never,  never  shall  I  forgit  my 
meachin'  and  downtrod  linement  as  I 
surveyed  it  in  the  glass  when  I  wuz 
shavin'  jest  afterwards.    Shavin'  a  beard  I 
that  very  act  riz  up  and  asserted  the  su- 
premacy of  my  sect  and  mocked  the  move 
I  had  made.    Oh,  the  sufferin's  of  that 
occasion  and  my  vain  efforts  to  git  out  of 
it.    But    Samantha    never  sympathized 
with  me  a  mite.    She  said,  "  You've  seen 
me  doin'  the  same  thing  for  years  and 
enjoyed  it,  and  what  is  sass  for  the  gander 
ort  to  be  sass  for  the  goose." 

[104] 


I  Talk  on  Females  Infiingin' 


There  is  another  proof  of  wimmen's 
infringin';  she  turned  that  familiar  old 
sayin'  right  round  to  carry  her  pint,  and 
put  the  goose  where  the  gander  always 
had  been,  and  ort  to  be.  I  tell  you  there 
hain't  no  length  a  female  won't  go  to  to 
carry  the  day  and  infringe  on  men's 
rights. 

And  you  might  as  well  git  blood  from 
a  white  turnip  as  to  git  any  pity  and 
sympathy  from  'em  for  my  downtrod 
sect.  For  when  I  mentioned  to  Samantha 
my  turrible  forebodin'  aho"^  my  sect 
havin'  to  take  wimmen's  n  ues  at  the 
altar,  and  asked  her  if  she  could  begin  to 
realize  what  men's  humiliated  and  de- 
spairin'  feelin's  would  be  at  such  a  time, 
she  up  and  sez  : 

"  Do  you  realize  what  wimmen's  feelin's 
are  at  the  altar  ?  She's  had  to  stand  it. 
No  matter  how  romantic  and  beautiful 
her  name  wuz,  Miss  Victoria  Angela 
Chesterfield  has  had  to  change  it  for  Miss 
Ichabod  Tubbs,  or  Miss  Peleg  Hogg. 

"  And,"  sez  she,  "  if  she  has  a  big  prop- 
puty  and  married  a  man  so  poor  he  had 

[105] 


Jodah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Queuion 

to  boH'y  hi.  weddin'  .hirt,  she  had  to 
hear  him  My,  '  With  all  my  worldly 
gooda  I  thee  endow,'  when  all  them 
goods  wuz  a  pile  of  debts  she  had  to  pay 
for  h.m,  but  she  had. to  stand  it  and 
couldn't  snicker,  for  it  wuzn't  a  sniokerin' 
time. 

"And  8  great  able  bodied  business 
woman  had  to  promise  to  obey  a  little 
snip  of  a  boy,  when  they  both  knew  she 
wuz  ly,n'  with  a  priest  hearin'  the  lie 
and  g,v.„'  ,t  his  blessin'.  My  sect  has 
had  to  stand  considerable  from  yonrn  " 
sez  Samantha. 

No   I  didn't  git  a  mite  of  sympathy 

jTx^.T'  """^  "'S""  ^"^^  '"»°*«J  it.  Md 
I  d  bettor  not  said  a  word  to  her  about 

my  forebodin's. 

But  Uncle  Simon  Bentley  always  hears 
my  progn^ties  with  respectful  sympathy, 
and  he  said  after  I  come  out  of  my  medi- 

would  feel  to  take  a  woman's  name,  he 

"  Thanks    to   a  kind    and  protectin' 
Providence,:.! hain't  married.    Butnrverf 

[io6J 


# 
s 


I  Talk  on  Females  Infringin* 

whilst  I  have  the  sperit  of  manhood  in 
me  would  I,  Sitnou  Bentley,  ever  be 
called  Miss  Polly  Brown.  No,  I  would 
cover  that  alter  with  my  goar,  before  I 
would  submit  to  it."  And  to  comfort  me 
he  sez,  "  Josiah,  mebby  it  won't  take  place 
in  our  day." 

But  I  sez,  "  Simon,  I  see  it  jest  ahead 
on  us  if  this  infringin'  can't  be  stopped, 
and  I  don't  see  no  way  to  stop  it." 

Bnt  sez  Simon  in  his  comfortin'  way, 
"  Yo'  •  book,  Josiah,  that  great  work,  you 
forgit  that.  I  believe  it  will  work  wonders 
for  our  poor  strugglin'  sect." 

"  No,  Simon,"  sez  I,  "  I  don't  forgit 
that  great  work  for  a  moment  of  time ;  it 
is  the  anchor  throwed  out  into  the  heavin' 
water  of  woman's  revolt  that  is  a  risin' 
all  round  us.  Sometimes  I  hope  the 
anchor  will  touch  the  solid  bottom  of 
man's  supremacy,  and  hold,  and  then 
I  feel  boyed  up.  But  my  feelin's  ebbs 
and  flows  like  the  mighty  ocean  to  which 
I  have  before  fittin'ly  compared  my  emo- 
tions. We  both  on  us  heave  up,  and 
heave  down.     To-day  I  am  a  heavin' 

[  107  ] 


4: 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

down.  Oh,  how  deprested  and  dubersome 
I  do  feel,"  but  I  went  on  in  tremblin' 
axents,  "  I  am  bound  to  make  this  tre- 
menjoue  effort,  and  if  you  and  I,  Uncle 
Sime,  and  the  rest  of  our  sect  have  got  to 
lay  down  in  the  dust  to  be  trod  on  by  the 
feet  of  underlin's,  whilst  layin'  there 
under  them  high  heels,  I  will  have  the 
conscientiousness  that  I  have  did  what  I 
could  for  my  downtrod  sect." 

My  feelin's  overcome  me  so  here  that  I 
took  out  my  bandanna  and  wiped  mv 
eyes,  and  UncleSime  hisen.  He  looked  as 
cast  down  as  I  did,  as  we  both  realized  our 
danger  from  the  turrible  doin's  round  us 
and  instinctively  we  took  holt  of  hands 
and  sot  there  sympathizin'  for  quite  a 
spell.  ^ 

But  anon  Uncle  Sime  had  to  go  home. 
He  lives  with  his  niece  and  she  sez  "  if 
she  has  to  support  him,  he  has  got  to  be 
promp  to  his  meals,  or  go  without,"  so  he 
hastened  off. 

And  I  summoned  up  the  brave  dan tless 
spent  of  manhood  and  walked  upright 
through  the  kitchen  (we'd  been  settin'  on 

[io8] 


I  Talk  on  Females  Infringin' 

the  back  stoop).  I  trod  with  a  firm  bold 
step  and  braved  Samantha's  onsympa- 
thizin'  demeanor  as  she  stood  fry  in'  nut 
cakes,  and  retired  into  the  welcome 
seclusion  of  the  corner  sacred  to  my 
literary  pursuits. 

Mekanically  I  run  my  hands  through 
the  dish-pan  heaped  with  Betsy's  poetry. 
Oh,  how  sad,  when  a  man  has  to  turn  to 
another  female  (and  one  he  has  always 
detested)  for  the  sympathy  and  under- 
standin'  denied  him  on  his  own  hearth- 
stun.  And  though  I  despise  Betsy 
Bobbett  Slimpsey  as  a  human  bein'  and  a 
female,  yet  when  torn  and  wownded  from 
infringin'  and  cold  remarks  from  my  own 
pardner,  I  do  draw  a  little  mite  of  comfort 
from  that  granny  iron  dish-pan,  and  run- 
nin'  my  hand  through  the  poetry  heaped 
up  in  it,  and  read  how  she  looks  up  to 
my  sect,  and  the  becomin'  and  reverent 
views  she  takes  on  us,  and  me  in 
petickular.  And  how  it  has  always  been 
the  goal  of  her  life  and  should  be  to  every 
womanly  female  to  be  united  by  hook  or 
by  crook  to  one  on  us,  it  soothed  me,  it 

[109] 


^illi 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

brought  back  the  dear  old  days  when 
man's  supremacy  wuz  onquestioned  and 
he  wuzn'f  infringed  on. 

And  I  read  how  she  despises  and  looks 
down  on  the  encroachments  of  the  inferior 
sect  to  which  she  belongs,  and  how  she 
loathes  the  great  tide  of  the  Feminist 
movement  that  is  risin'  up  all  over  the 
world,  threatenin'  to  sweep  us  strong 
males  away,  as  frothy  water,  if  there  is 
enough  on't  will  uproot  giant  oaks. 

I  read  over  piece  after  piece  to  cam  my 
sperit,  hurt  and  wownded  by  infringin', 
and  my  pardner's  onsympathizin'  words, 
and  I  picked  out  the  follerin'  one  as  bein' 
comparitively  worthy  a  place  in  my  great 
work. 

This  poem,  writ  before  her  marriage,  I 
consider  the  most  touchin'ly  pathetic  one 
of  all  the  enormous  pile  on  'em  I  had 
perused.  What  to  a  feelin'  mind  and 
tender  heart  is  more  pitiful  than  to  see  a 
patridge  hidin'  his  head  under  a  maple 
leaf,  and  thin  kin'  his  hull  body  is  hid 
from  the  hunter  ?  What  is  more  affectin' 
than  to  see  how  Betsy  tried  to  hide  her 

[no] 


[il'sfi 


'^ 


I  Talk  on  Females  Infringin* 

lifelong  pursuit  of  man,  and  matrimony, 
under  the  cold  word,  duty  f 

«  Unless  she  see  her  duty  plain." 

Oh,  what  a  soul  of  meanin'  there  is  hid 
under  that  word,  unless.  A  keen  e3^e, 
and  a  tender  heart  can  read  between  the 
lines  her  real  meanin',  her  dantless  re- 
solve, as  plain  as  the  hunter  sees  the 
plump  body  and  gray  tail  feathers  of  the 
patridge.  But  I  will  not  keep  the  reader 
longer  from  the  sad  but  beautiful  poem. 


STANZAS  ON  DUTY 

By  Betsy  Bobbett 

Unless  they  do  their  duty  see 
Oh  who  would  spread  their  sail 
On  matrimony's  cruel  sea 
And  face  its  angry  galet 
Oh  Betsy  Bobbett  I'll  remain  unless  I  see 
my  duty  plain. 

Shall  horses  calmly  brock  a  halter 
Who  over  fenceless  pastures  stray  t 
Shall  females  be  dragged  to  the  altar, 
And  down  their  freedom  lay  t 
No,  no,  B.  Bobbett  I'll  remain,  unless  I  see 
my  duty  plain. 

[Ill] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

Beware !  beware,  oh  rabid  lover 
Who  pines  for  iutellect  and  beauty, 
My  heart  is  ioe  to  all  your  over- 
tures unless  I  see  my  duty, 
For  Betsy  Bobbett  I'll  remain  wUeu  I  see 
my  duty  plain. 

Gome  not  with  keys  of  rank  and  splendor 
My  heart's  cold  portals  to  unlock, 
'Tis  vain  to  search  for  feeliu's  tender 
Too  late  you'll  find  you've  struck  a  rock ; 
For  Betsy  Bobbett  I'll  remain  utdess  I  see 
my  duty  plain. 

'Tis  vain  for  you  to  pine  and  languish, 
I  cannot  soothe  your  bosom's  pain, 
In  vain  are  all  your  groans,  your  blandish- 
ments I  warn  you  are  in  vain ; 
For  Betsy  Bobbett  I'll  remain  unless  I  see 
my  duty  plain. 

You  needn't  lay  no  underhanded 
Plots  to  ketch  me,  men  desist 
Or  in  the  dust  you  will  be  landed 
For  to  the  last  I  will  resist. 
For  Betsy  Bobbett  I'll  remain  unless  1  see 
my  duty  plain. 


[iia] 


VII 

ABOUT  WIMMEirS  FOOLISH  LOVE  FOB 
PETICEULABS 

HOW  folkses  emotions  will  some- 
times  rise  up  entirely  onex- 
pected  and  onbeknown  to  them, 
and  git  the  better  on  'em.  Of  course  we 
male  Americans  have  always  foreboded 
and  felt  dretful  about  a  certain  subject. 
But  this  mornin'  it  come  over  me  like  a 
black  flood,  the  realizin'  sense  of  the 
enormous  labor  that  votin'  would  bring 
onto  weak  delicate  females,  and  how  im- 
possible it  wuz  for  their  fraguile  constitu- 
tion and  puny  strength  to  stand  up  under 
it. 

Why,  hc«7  many  many  times  we  states- 
men have  said  and  preached  and  lectured 
that  wimmen  wuzn't  much  more  nor  less 
than  angels,  and  ort  to  be  treated  as  such. 
Tender  delicate  flowers,  to  be  kep'  from 

[113] 


I 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 


every  chillin'  breeze  of  life  that  tried  to 
blow  onto  'em. 

Spich  talk  has  been  one  of  the  greatest 
comforts  of  us  men,  and  has  been  very 
afifectin'  and  effective  with  lots  of  fe- 
males. As  I  say  I've  knowed  it  and  held 
forth  on  it  for  years  and  years,  ever  since 
this  loathsome  doctrine  of  Wimmen's 
Rights  become  so  prominent  in  Jones- 
ville. 

But  as  many  different  emotions  as  I've 
had  about  it,  never  wuz  my  feelin's  so 
wrought  up  as  upon  this  occasion  I  speak 
of.  My  '.steeled  pen  fairly  trembled  in 
my  hands,  shook  by  my  devotion  to  Sa- 
mantha,  and  my  determination  if  possi- 
ble to  keep  her  beloved  and  delicate  form 
from  sinkin'  down  under  the  awful  fateeg 
of  votin',  and  havin'  Rights.  I  wuz  so 
excited  and  strung  up  by  my  feelin's, 
that  I  felt  that  I  must  warn  her  agin 
about  it  that  very  minute,  and  I  hollered 
to  her  to  come  to  me  to  once. 

I  spoze  my  voice  wuz  skairful,  my 
feelin's  wuz  such,  and  she  come  a 
hurryin'  in    wipin'  her  hands  on   her 

[114] 


Wimmen's  Love  for  Petickulars 

apron,  and  sez  she,  "  For  the  land's  sake  I 
what  is  the  matter,  Josiah  ?  Have  you 
got  a  crick  ?  " 

"  No,"  sez  I,  "  I've  fell  into  fur  deeper 
waters  than  any  crick.  It  come  over  me 
like  a  overwhelmin'  flood,  the  thought  of 
the  weakness  of  wimmen,  and  the  arjous 
and  tuckerin' job  of  votin',  and  how  im- 
possible it  wuz  for  weak  wimmen  to  not 
sink  down  under  it,  and  I  felt  I  had  to 
warn  you  about  it  this  very  minute,  and 
entreat  you  agin  to  shun  it  as  you  would 
a  pizen  serpent." 

"  Well,"  sez  she,  "you  better  forebode 
to  yourself  another  time.  I  wuz  jest 
rensin'  out  my  last  biler  of  clothes,  and 
I've  got  to  whitewash  the  summer 
kitchen,  and  paint  the  buttery  floor,  and 
scrape  the  paper  off"  overhead  in  the 
settin'  room,  so's  to  paper  it  to-morrow. 
And  I  guess  that  whitewashin'  and 
scrapin'  off  that  paper  with  a  case  knife 
overhead  is  as  hefty  a  job  as  liftin'  up  a 
paper  ballot,  to  say  nothin'  of  the  biler 
full  of  clothes  I'm  liftin'  on  and  off,  and 
sweatin'    over   the  wash-tub.    And  I'll 

[115] 


- 


V 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

thank  you  to  keep  your  forebodings  and 
warnings  to  yourself  in  the  future,  and 
not  call  me  oflfen  my  work."  And  she 
went  out  and  shet  the  door  hard. 

And  that's  all  the  thanks  I  got  for  my 
tender  feelin's  and  overpowerin'  desire  to 
keep  hardships  from  her.  But  I  knowed 
she  wuz  expectin'  company,  and  fixin'  up 
and  preparin'  for  *em,  so  I  overlooked  it 
in  her,  and  I  presoom  to  say  the  thought 
of  that  company  and  the  extra  good 
meals  we  wuz  sure  to  have,  had  a  ameli- 
oratin'  effect  on  me.  But  her  hashness 
won't  stop  me  nor  other  noble  tender 
hearted  males  from  worryin'  about  the 
turrible  hardship  and  labor  of  votin', 
and  tryin'  our  best  to  keep  the  gentle 
delicate  females  we  are  protectin'  and 
guardin'  from  plungin'  into  it. 

But  I'm  so  sensitive  and  my  feelin's  so 
easy  hurt,  that  it  must  have  been  a  min- 
ute and  a  half  before  my  mind  settled 
down  agin  and  I  could  hold  my  steeled 
pen  in  ae  firm  a  grip  as  heret  >fore,  and 
resoom     my     powerful     argumentative 

strain. 

[ii6] 


Wimmen's  Love  for  Petickulare 

Another  reason  I've  argued  why  wim- 
men  should  not  vote  wuz  she  would  act 
so  awkward  in  politics  she  would  put  in 
so  many  petickulars,  wimmen's  minds 
hain't  stabled,  they  hain't  got  horse 
sense.  And  they  don't  nor  won't  appre- 
ciate that  good  old  doctrine  that  has  al- 
ways been  such  a  comfort  to  me  and 
Uncle  Sime  and  other  statesmen,  that 
what  has  been  always  will  be,  and  to  let 
well  enough  alone.  No  they  have  got  to 
be  tinkerin'  and  tryin'  to  make  things 
better,  and  interfere,  and  talk  and  tell 
petickulars.  Now  if  a  merchant  sells  'em 
cloth  for  their  fambly,  instead  of  buyin' 
and  payin'  for  it  and  keepin'  their  mouth 
shet  as  a  man  would,  they'll  feel  of  it 
and  pull  it  to  and  fro,  fro  and  to.  And 
if  it  hain't  what  he  claims  it  is,  if  it  is 
shoddy  and  poor,  they'll  talk  and  talk 
till  he  has  to  hustle  round  and  buy  good 
stuff,  or  they  won't  trade  with  him, 
takin'  off  his  profits  jest  by  petickulars. 

And  if  a  grocer  lets  his  eatin'  stuff  lay 
round  outdoors  for  the  flies  to  roost  on, 
do  you  spoze  they'll  buy  that  stuff?    No, 

[117] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

their  minds  not  bein'  bigger  than  them 
fly  specks,  they'll  hound  that  man  till 
they  make  him  cover  up  that  stuff  or 
bring  it  into  the  house,  and  every  one 
that  has  got  horse  sense  knows  it  makes 
that  man  extra  work,  but  what  do  they 
care?  And  if  he  tries  to  make  a  little 
more  money  by  sellin'  things  that  hain't 
jest  what  you  might  call  hullsome — and 
of  course  every  business  man  understands 
that  he  wants  to  make  all  the  money  he 
can — why,  the  woman  that  buys  that 
stuff  once,  and  thinks  it  hain't  what  she 
wants  to  feed  her  fambly  on,  she  begins 
to  tell  petickulars;  she'll  call  it  rotten, 
and  tell  how  long  it  has  been  in  cold 
storage,  she'll  say  "  to  lessen  population 
and  increase  some  millionaire's  revenue." 
And  she'll  call  his  canned  vegetables 
mouldy,  and  tell  how  his  canned  meat 
smells,  and  how  it  made  her  children 
sick,  and  how  Eben  Purdy's  little  girl 
died  after  eatin'  it,  and  how  it  took  off 
old  Miss  Lanfear. 

All  these  little  petickulars  she  has  to 
dwell  on  with  other  wimmen  till  she  gits 


Wimmen's  Love  for  Petickulars 

'em  all  rousted  up  and  there  will  be  a 
dozen  talkin'  at  one  time,  sez  I,  and  sez 
he,  and  sez  she,  and  sez  they.  And 
they'll  keep  it  up  and  jest  boycote  that 
man  till  he  has  to  keep  hullsome  goods 
that  cost  him  most  as  much  agin,  and  of 
course  cuts  down  his  profits,  but  they 
don't  think  of  that. 

And  how  them  wimmen  found  fault 
with  the  decision  of  the  Supreme  court, 
that  pizen  could  be  used  to  bleach  flour, 
when  they  knew  the  Supreme  court  is 
composed  of  the  very  smartest  men  in 
the  Nation.  And  they  knowed  them  su- 
preme men  didn't  approve  of  usin'  enough 
pizen  in  it  to  kill  the  aged  and  infants. 

But  they  had  to  argy  and  boast  that 
if  they  wuz  supreme  wimmen,  they 
wouldn't  had  a  mite  of  pizen  put  into 
bread,  jest  as  if  grown  folks  can't  stand 
a  little  pizen  now  and  then.  But  you 
can  see  plain  that  they  claim  that  wim- 
men can  manage  the  home  and  food 
bizness  better  than  men,  and  want  to 
find  fault  with  men  and  git  the  upper 
hands  on  'em. 

[119] 


Joeiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 


i 


And  it  is  jest  so  with  milk.  A  fool  ort 
to  know  that  it  makes  a  man  as  much 
agin  work  to  fuss  and  clean  off  his  cows 
and  bis  stables  every  day,  and  keep  his 
milk  absolutely  clear  But  what  do  they 
care  if  a  man  breaks  his  back  cleanin' 
his  stables  and  washin'  off  his  cows'  tits. 
They'll  talk  and  put  in  every  little  pe- 
tickular  about  how  many  babies  wuz 
killed  by  his  bad  milk,  and  how  many 
folks  got  tomain  from  it,  till  they  carry 
the  day  and  git  the  milk  they  want. 
Another  man  made  to  toe  the  mark  by 
petickulars. 

And  it  is  jest  so  rith  stuff  throwed 
into  the  street — why,  a  man  can't  call 
his  soul  his  own,  and  throw  a  old  cab- 
bage or  rotten  potato  into  the  street  with- 
out their  interferin'  with  him,  and  makin' 
him  clean  up  his  primises  and  keep  a 
covered  garbage  can. 

Now  jest  imagine  what  that  meddlin' 
interferin'  sperit  would  be  if  carried  into 
politics,  if  public  officials  wuz  a  prey  to 
woman's  petickulars.  Now  spozin'  a  man 
wuz  nominated  for  some  high  office  that 

[  «o  ] 


1 


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B 


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1  )■  .■ 


>     u 


Wimmen's  Love  for  Petickulars 

Lain't   mebby  jest  exactly  square.    For 

as  Uoc'e  Sime  sez,  "  What  man  is  square 

in  pul  'ic  life  ?    No,"  he  sez,  "  you'll  find 

«ai  fivery  shape  and  size,  except  4  by  4." 

But  wimmen  can't  accept  that  scientific 
statement,  made  by  folks  that  know,  that 
men  are  made  in  such  a  way  that  public 
life  and  politics  wears  and  rubs  on  their 
square  corners,  and  digs  into  and  destroys 
their  shape,  so  as  Uncle  Sime  sez,  "  They 
can't  help  bein'  crooked." 

But  wimmen's  brains  hain't  strong 
enough,  and  their  naters  and  consciences 
hain't  elastic  enough  to  comprehend  such 
matters.  They  always  have  and  always 
will  pay  more  attention  to  them  little 
petickulars  of  Right  and  Wrong  than 
men  have  time  to.  As  I've  said  before, 
they  can't  see  big,  they  see  little.  They'll 
talk  it  over  together  how  many  million 
dollars  is  made  by  the  White  Slave  trade 
every  year,  ketchin'  sweet  young  girls, 
they'll  say  by  the  net  of  their  love,  by 
drink,  by  pizened  needles,  flattery,  lies, 
treachery,  takin'  'em  from  health,  home 
and  happiness,  and  throwin'  'em  to  the 

[121] 


\4 

^3 


St 

I 


1! 


pi- 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

lions    of   Lust    and    Greed,  into   livin' 
deaths. 

Oh,  yes,  they'll  put  in  all  the  peticku- 
lars.  And  they'll  ask  how  many  millions 
wuz  made  by  highway  graft,  tax-payers 
wadin'  through  mud,  whilst  high  officials, 
contractors  and  public  grabbers  stuff  the 
tax-payer's  money  in  their  pockets.  And 
they'll  bring  up  stories  about  all  the  other 
big  corporations  and  money  grabbers. 

And  how  much  blood  money  is  made 
yearly  by  whiskey  sellin'  ?  That  is  the 
main  fountain  their  petickulars  gush 
from.  Now  if  a  smart  hustlin'  saloon 
keeper  is  nominated  for  some  high  office 
and  wimmen  could  vote,  what  would  be  the 
consequence  ?  Why,  they  would  jest  on- 
loose  them  petickulars  onto  him  and  he 
would  be  washed  completely  away  on  'em. 

They  wouldn't  know  any  better  than 
to  peek  and  pry  into  his  bizness,  and  run 
it  down  to  the  lowest  notch.  Jest  as  if  a 
bizness  that  is  good  enough  for  the  U.  S. 
Govermunt  isn't  good  enough  for  them. 
No,  their  naters  bein'  such,  and  they've 
got  such  itchin'  ears,  they'll  pry  round 

[122] 


Wimmen's  Love  for  Petickulars 

into  every  crook  and  turn  of  that  man's 
bizness,  and  talk  about  it  till  they  git 
the  hull  community  riled  up.  The  hull 
wimmen  crew  will  pin  on  their  white 
ribbings,  and  git  their  heads  together, 
tellin'  some  story  agin  him,  and  the  biz- 
ness  he  represents,  and  go  into  all  the 
petickulars,  sez  I,  and  sez  he,  and  sez  she, 
and  sez  they. 

"  Le'me  see,"  sez  they,  "  when  wuz  it 
he  got  Hen  Daggett  so  drunk  that  he 
went  home  and  whipped  his  wife,  and 
most  killed  her  and  her  :  \i  baby  wuz 
born  a  fool. 

"  And  what  time  o'  night  wuz  it,  wuz 
it  ten  or  twelve,  that  he  got  old  Chawgo's 
boy  crazy  drunk  and  wantin'  to  git  rid 
on  him,  histed  him  up  on  his  motorcycle 
and  started  him  for  home,  and  he  didn't 
go  half  a  mile  before  he  fell  off  and  wuz 
killed. 

"  And  what  time  of  year  wuz  it,  wuz  it 
late  in  the  spring  or  early  in  the  summer, 
that  them  two  Wizzel  girls  wuz  took  from 
his  saloon  drugged  and  unconscious,  and 
not  a  hide  or  hair  on  'em  seen  sence. 

[123] 


r 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  */oman  Question 

"  And  le'me  see,  wuz  it  on  a  Monday  or 
a  Tuesday,  that  them  two  men  got  into  a 
drunken  fight  in  his  saloon  and  both  on 
'em  got  killed.  No,  it  wuz  on  a  Wednes- 
day, for  I  remember  I  cut  my  bib  apron 
wrong,  I  cut  it  ketrin  ways,  and  jest  as  I 
wuz  cuttin'  it  over,  I  hearn  of  that  big 
railroad  smash-up  where  two  hundred 
got  killed  and  maimed  by  a  drunken 
engineer." 

Them  wimmen  would  bring  up  all 
them  little  petickulars  agin  that  man, 
and  his  bizness  lection  day,  jest  to  be 
mean,  and  to  beat  him.  Every  man  and 
woman  whiskey  had  destroyed,  all  the 
crime  and  agony  and  poverty  it  has 
caused,  every  fambly  wrecked  by  it,  every 
young  man  ruined,  every  young  girl  who 
went  through  the  saloon  into  destruction, 
and  the  one  hundred  thousand  deaths 
caused  by  it  every  year.  They  wouldn't 
know  enough  to  keep  their  mouths  shet 
at  this  time  when  it  wuz  so  important  to 
have  'em  shet  up ;  they'd  jest  clutter  up 
the  road  to  the  pole  with  petickulars. 
And  no  matter  how  flourishin'  a  bizness 

["4] 


Wimmen's  Love  for  Petickulars 

that  man  wuz  doin',  and  how  much 
money  he  wuz  making  and  how  much 
he  wuz  willin'  to  pay  for  votes,  helpin' 
the  male  community  in  this  way,  they'd 
carry  the  day  agin  him. 

They  can't  seem  to  realize  what  a  loss 
in  propputy  it  is  to  the  man  they're  a 
houndin'.  And  if  you  twit  'em  of  it 
they'll  twit  back  and  ask,  What  of  the 
one  billion,  four  hundred  million  dollars 
loss  to  the  country  every  year,  caused  by 
strong  drink,  and  ask  you  if  you  know 
that  as  many  Americans  are  killed  every 
year  by  it  as  has  been  killed  in  all 
the  battles  of  the  world  since  time  begun. 
Havin'  to  ask  all  these  little  leadin'  ques- 
tions at  jest  that  onconvenient  time  and 
take  the  advantage  on  him. 

And  then  when  they  git  him  turned 
down  and  some  favorite  religious  man 
elected  in  his  place,  oh,  how  their  tongues 
would  run  agin,  tellin'  of  all  the  good 
things  he'd  done  and  would  do ;  agin  it 
would  be  sez  I,  and  sez  he,  and  sez  she, 
and  sez  they.  Wimmen  can't  seem  to 
learn  to  set  still  to  home,  and  knit,  no, 

["5] 


il 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

they  have  got  to  meddle  and  interfere 
with  men's  bizness,  as  fur  as  they  can, 
and  woe  be  to  us  if  they  ever  cut  loose 
and  run  furder. 

Why  the  Hullsale  Liquor  Dealers'  Asso- 
ciation will  agree  with  every  word  I've 
said.  They  know  what  females  are,  and 
what  they  can  do  when  they  git  their 
white  ribbings  on,  and  are  banded  together 
agin  'em,  and  they  begin  to  tell  petick- 
ulars.  That's  what  makes  'em  figlit  so 
agin  Woman's  Suffrage.  They  know 
where  they  and  their  bizness  would  be 
after  a  few  years  of  wimmen's  petickulars 
and  votin',  and  they're  willin'  to  pay  well 
them  that  help  'em. 

As  I've  intimidated  before,  to  a  smart 
hustlin'  bizness  man  who  looks  out  for 
his  own  interest,  it  is  absolutely  appallin' 
to  see  how  Woman  Suffragists  stand  in 
their  own  light.  But  in  my  talk  about 
the  shiftless  ways  of  these  wimmen,  and 
their  tetotle  inability  to  see  where  their 
interests  lays,  I  want  to  make  a  honorable 
exception  of  the  modest  retirin'  She 
Auntys.    Them  wimmen,  though  females, 

[126] 


Wimmcn's  Love  for  Petickulars 

have  got  some  good  horse  sense;  they 
know  which  side  their  bread  is  buttered 
and  they  lay  out  to  keep  it  right  side  up. 
They  know  who  helps  butter  that  bread. 
They  know  it  is  better  to  ride  round  in 
palace  cars  to  their  lectures  agin  Female 
Suffrage,  helped  by  them  who  hate  that 
cause  like  pizen,  than  it  is  to  walk  afoot. 
And  they  know  enough  to  grasp  special 
priveligos,  and  enjoy  'em,  and  they  lay 
out  to  help  the  ones  that  help  them. 

Liquor  dealers  have  got  oceans  of  horse 
sense,  and  oceans  of  money,  and  they  let 
that  money  flow  along  where  it  will  do 
the  most  good,  into  female  channels  if 
necessary.  Anything  to  dam  up  the  big 
waters  of  Reform  from  risin'  up  and 
washin'  'em  away,  and  stop  Woman  Suf- 
fragists from  ruinin'  their  bizness,  and 
tellin'  petickulars  and  votin'.  And  Til 
ask  this  question  of  any  man  or  woman 
with  the  brains  of  a  angleworm  or  cater- 
pillar— Hain't  it  easier  to  float  along  with 
the  current,  than  to  fight  agin  it  and  go 
in  the  other  direction  ?  Why  a  fool  ort 
to  know  it  is. 

[  "7  ] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 


3!.' 


You  won't  ketch  them  She  A  intys  a 
peekin'  round  huntin'  for  every  little 
petiokular  about  what  the  Liquor  Dealers' 
Association  stands  for,  and  talk  and  tattle 
about  the  effects  of  liquor  sellinV  no 
indeed.  And  I  want  to  say  and  own  up 
that  when  I  find  a  spark  of  horse  sense  in 
a  female,  I'm  willin'  to  own  up  to  seein' 
that  spark  shinin'  out  agin  the  back- 
ground of  females'  nateral  ignorance  and 
folly.  We  Jonesvillians  reconize  smart- 
ness and  horse  sense,  and  I  want  to  en- 
courage and  happify  them  She  Auntys 
by  sayin',  that  the  Creation  Searchin' 
Society  of  Jones ville  wiP  never  be  found 
throwin'  out  no  slurs  agin  them.  Neither 
will  I  as  a  male  man,  and  a  celebrated 
author,  ever  be  found  mockin'andsneerin' 
at  'em. 

Of  course  they  are  females,  but  con- 
siderin'  the  limited  amount  of  brains  that 
females  have  and  their  scurcity  of  horse 
sense,  they  have  done  and  are  doin'  the 
best  they  can.  The  Creation  Searchin' 
Society  of  Jonesville  and  the  Liquor 
Dealers'  Association  stand  up  hand  in 

[128] 


Wimmcn's  Love  for  Petickulars 

band,  with  me  in  the  midst,  and  publicly 
reconize  their  humble  helpfulness,  and 
what  more  in  the  way  of  honor  can  any 
human  female  ask  for  ? 

I  always  despised  petickulars,  every 
male  man  duz.  It's  nateral  when  our 
minds  are  took  up  with  big  things,  big 
thoughts,  petickulars  jar  on  us;  we 
hain't  got  the  time  for  'em  in  our  busy 
lives.  But  I  believe  few  of  my  breth- 
eren  can  say  what  I  can,  that  petick- 
ulars come  within  one  of  bein'  the  death 
on  'em. 

The  way  on't  wuz  Samantha  wuz  to 
Tirzah  Ann's  visitin'  and  wuz  took  bed 
sick  there,  and  right  while  I  wuz  stark 
livin'  alone,  I  wuz  took  down  with 
voylent  pains  runnin'  up  and  down  my 
spinal  collar,  and  hull  body. 

But  the  neighborin'  wimmen,  friends 
of  Samantha,  I  will  say  done  all  they 
could  for  me,  they  flocked  in  and  filled  me 
up  with  milk  porridge,  chicken  broth,  etc., 
and  sot  up  with  me  nights  and  waited  on 
me,  helped  by  their  various  husbands. 
And  I  should  got  along  all  right  if  it 

[  "9  ] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 


3!; 


hadn't  been  for  the  endless  swarm  of 
petickulars  they  driv  into  my  room. 

Talk,  talk,  talk,  and  tellin'  petickulars, 
some  on  em  smaller  than  the  end  of  a 
nat's  toe  nail. 

And  one  day  when  I'd  been  made 
almost  delerious  by  'em,  I  made  out  to 
open  the  stand  draw  at  the  head  of  my 
bed  and  git  out  a  pad  and  pencil,  and 
writ  the  follerin'  verses  which  come  from 
the  very  bottom  of  my  soul.  Heaven 
knows  I 

OWED  TO  PETICKULABS 
By  Josiah  AUen,  Esq. 

I've  been  bed-sick  and  very  bad, 

And  pains  and  chills  and  cramps  I've  had ; 

And  at  Tirzah's  Samautha  come  suddenly  down 

With  plenresy  pains  from  heel  to  crown, 

She  couldn't  git  home  with  her  plagney  crick  — 

So  they  never  let  her  know  I  wuz  sick. 

But  the  neighbors  turned  out  good  and  true 

And  stood  by  me  to  help  me  through, 

They  come  alone,  and  they  come  in  pairs, 

They  come  with  mules,  and  they  come  with 

mares; 
And  I  felt  the  goodness  that  in  'em  lay 
And  treated  'em  well  both  night  and  day. 

Till  they  brung  in  them  petickulars. 
[  130  ] 


Wimmcn'i  Love  for  Pctickalars 

They  oome  from  ftar,  and  they  come  from  near 
With  new  wild  remedies  strange  and  qoeer—  * 
My  month  wnz  a  open  and  burnin'  road 
Down  which   the  streams  of  their  medicines 
flowed; 

Streams  of  worm-wood  and  oil  of  tar, 
And  onions,  and  warnuts,  and  goose,  and  bar  • 
But  my  mean  wnz  a  christian's  all  the  while  — 
I  slthed  and  swallered  and  tiied  to  smile  — 

Till  they  bruug  in  them  petickulars. 

They  blistered  my  back,  and  they  blistered  my 

breast; 
They  iled  my  nose,  and  they  iled  my  chest, 
They  gin  me  sweats  of  various  sorts, 
Hemlock  and  whiskey  and  corn  and  oats— 
I  drinked  their  gruel  weaker'n  a  cat, 
I  drinked  their  whey,  didn't  wink  at  that ; 
I  stood  their  faith  cures,  and  their  mind, 
I  took  'em  all  and  acted  resigned— 

Till  they  brung  in  them  petickulars. 

But  they  tried  their  cures  to  the  very  last. 
And  I  grew  no  better  very  fast ; 
And  I  spoze  they  thought  it  would  brighten  my 
gloom,  ' 

To  briDg  some  petickulars  into  my  room. 
So  they  drove  'em  in  and  they  talked  of  flies— 
And  of  chicken's  teeth,  and  muskeeter's  eyes. 
And  they  talked  of  pins,  and  stalks  of  hay. 
And  lettice  seed,  and  there  I  lay  — 

A  victim  of  small  petickuhus. 
[131] 


n 


n 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

And  one  reooonted  a  lengthy  tale 
About  the  beit  way  to  drive  a  nail, 
And  one  old  woman  talked  a  hour 
On  a  pinoh  of  salt  and  a  spanftil  of  flour ; 
And  Jane  she  boasted  two  hours  the  deed 
3he  did  when  she  pizened  a  pnsley  weed, 
And  there  I'd  sweat,  and  there  I'd  groau, 
And  pull  my  gray  locks  onbeknown  — 

A  victim  to  small  petickulars. 

And  a  female  sot  with  anxious  frowu 
Disputin'  herself  right  up  and  down  — 
As  to  whether  the  hour  wuz  one  or  two, 
\7hen  their  old  white  mare  lost  off  its  shoe  — 
Sometimes  'twas  two,  and  then  'twas  one, 
And  so  through  the  hours  that  mare  wuz  run, 
And  it  trompled  my  brain  till  I  cried,  "  Whoa ! 
Do  shue  the  old  mair  and  let  her  go ! " 
But  under  its  heels  I  had  to  lay. 
And  sweat,  and  rithe,  and  cuss  the  day — 
They  driv  in  them  petickulars. 


And  they  wondered  if  Jane  had  cloth  enough 
For  her  calico  apron  with  bib  and  ruff, 
And  they  mentally  rent  their  robes  and  tore, 
For   fear   that   sunthin'  wuz  wrong  with  the 

gore. 
Till  I  wished  that  gore  wuz  over  it  rolled, 
And  on  Martha's  boots   that  had  been  new 

soled, 
And  they  almost  mistrusted  wuz  too  thin. 
By  pretty  nigh  the  wedth  of  a  piu. 

[132] 


Wimmcn's  Love  for  Pctickulars 

And  I  vowed  I  could  pat  their  aonls  all  in, 
And  rattle  'em  round  in  the  head  of  a  pin. 
And  there  I  groaned,  and  turned,  and  lay. 
And  sweat  and  sithed  from  day  to  day, 

A  victim  to  small  petioknlars. 

Till  one  day  I  riz  and  cried  with  might, 
"Bring  on  a  earthquake  into  my  sight, 
Fetch  me  a  cyclone  good  and  strong, 
A  hnrrycain,  pestilence,  bring  'em  along. 
Let  me  see  'em  before  I  am  dead  ; 
Let  'em  roar  and  romp  around  my  betl, 
But  ketch  'em,  kill  'em,  drive  'em  away, 
This  very  minute  of  this  very  day 

Every  one  of  your  dum  petickulara. 

"  Let  me  be  killed  out  square  and  rough. 
By  a  good  hard  kick  from  a  elephant's  huflf, 
Or  let  a  volcano  rise  and  bust 
This  mortal  frame,  if  bust  it  must 
But  I  swan  to  man  that  I  won't  die 
By  a  kick  from  the  oflf  1^  of  a  fly  • 
And  agin  I  swan,  that  I  won't  give  in 
And  go  to  my  grave  on  th.-  pint  of  a  pin. 

Killed  by  your  dum  petickulara." 

My  eyes  wuz  wild,  my  goery  meen 
Skairt  'em  almost  to  death,  I  ween 
The  females  all  fled  out  of  my  sight. 
The  two  old  women  mad  with  fright, 
Jostled  each  other  and  fell  over  chaire ; 
And  all  on  'em  said  "  I  wuz  crazier'n  bean." 

[133] 


it 

1 1 ' , 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

Bat  I  aettled  back  on  my  peaceful  bed 
And  most  mistrusted  I  wuz  dead 
And  had  got  throngh  the  gate  to  Benler  land, 
And  I  smiled  some  smiles,  serene  and  bland, 
For  I  never  had  felt  sach  peace  before, 
As  when  I  drove  'em  out  of  the  door. 

Every  one  of  them  dam  petickalars. 


i  ;l 


1  i  - 

!    i  i 

!  ''' 


; 


'i--^._ 


[134] 


VIII 

I  TALK  ON  WIMMEN'S  EXTBAVAQANCE 

IT  wuz  a  cam  beautiful  mornin';  old 
Mom  Nater  seemed  agreeable  and 
serene,  goin'  about  her  mornin 's 
work  of  lightin'  up  and  warmin'  the 
world.  And  Samantha  seemed  as  busy 
as  old  Nater  herself,  and  as  cam,  as  she 
went  about  her  work  of  makin'  the  house 
comfortable  and  clean. 

As  I've  mentioned  prior  and  before 
this  a  better,  cleaner  housekeeper  than 
Samantha  Allen  never  trod  on  no  shoe 
leather  whatsoever,  or  went  barefoot. 
Equinomical,  industrious,  and  as  a  cook 
beyond  any  compare.  If  these  words 
wuz  the  last  I  should  ever  write  I'd  die 
solemnly  declarin'  as  a  housekeeper  and 
home  maker  Samantha  Allen  can't  never 
be  beat.  Oh,  if  her  principles  about  fe- 
male suffragin',  and  the  inferiority  of 
her  sect,  and  the  superiority  of  my  sect, 
wuz   only    equal    to    her  housekeepin', 

[135] 


i 


'I 

ll 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

what  a  treasure  I  would  have  in  a  earthen 
vessel  (that  is  Bible;  I  don't  really  under- 
stand what  it  means,  but  I  think  it 
looks  well  for  a  deacon  to  patronize  the 
Bible  all  he  can  conveniently,  and  bring 
into  his  literary  work  passages  out  on't). 

I  feelt  meller  and  agreeable  in  my 
mind,  as  I  sot  there  in  my  favorite  corner 
almost  immersed  in  the  parfenalia  of  my 
perfession,  two  paper  pads,  a  bottle  of  ink, 
a  steeled  pen,  two  lead  pencils,  a  pen 
knife  and  the  immense  granny  iron  dish- 
pan  containin'  Betsy  B.'s  poetry. 

And  as  I  sot  there  with  my  steeled  pen 
in  my  hand  ready  to  begin  work  on  my 
remarkable  book,  my  mind  become  so 
impressed  by  the  inestimable  value  it  wuz 
goin'  to  be  to  the  world  and  the  male  and 
female  sect,  that  almost  onbeknown  to 
myself  I  uttered  the  words  aloud  that 
wuz  seethin'  through  my  large  active 
brain. 

Sez  I,  "Samantha,  don't  you  believe 
this  forthcomin'  book  of  mine  is  goin' 
to  be  the  greatest  work  of  this  age,  or 
any  age  ?  " 

[136] 


I  Talk  on  Wimmcn's  Extravagance 

She  wuz  pickin'  the  pin  feathers  offan 
a  plump  spring  chicken  for  dinner,  and 
she  looked  up  at  me  over  her  specs  in 
the  cool  deliberate  way  she  has  some- 
times, and  sez,  "Josiah,  a  hen  don't 
cackle  till  she  lays  her  egg." 

And  then  she  resoomed  her  work  agin, 
sayin'  no  more.  Naterally  my  feelin's 
immediately  hardened  more  hard  than 
they  had  been,  f^r  I  would  ask  any  hu- 
man bein'  did  not  that  one  speech  show 
what  I've  sot  out  to  prove  in  my  book, 
what  wifflin'  onstabled  minds  females 
have  got,  and  how  onfit  for  votin',  on- 
jinted,  tottlin',  wanderin'  way  off  from 
the  subject  spoke  on,  flyin'  down  at  one 
jump  from  literatoor  onto  poultry.  For 
what  connection,  I  ask,  is  there  between 
the  finest  fruit  in  literature,  and  hens  ? 
Hens  which  are  known  to  be  the  awk- 
wardes  and  stupidest  of  any  liven  critters. 
What  jinin'  link  is  there  between  the 
most  scathin'  and  convincin'  arguments 
ever  writ  by  mortal  man,  and  eggs? 
Mute,  onfeelin',  onseein',  eggs. 

But  I  only  gin  a  moment  of  my  valu- 
[137] 


^1 


!  ir 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

able  time  to  contemplate  this  prominent 
phase  of  wimmen's  folly.  And  bein' 
driv  back  as  I  have  often  been  by  a  lack 
of  congenial  sympathy  into  my  own  in- 
terior (my  mind),  my  inteleck  seemed  to 
flow  freer  than  ever,  and  I  devoted  this 
propishous  time  to  enlargin'  on  a  impor- 
tant subject  I  had  not  had  time  to  enlarge 
on  before,  and  that  wuz  the  well  known 
extravagance  of  females  and  how  fatally 
fatal  that  trait  which  is  exclusively  con- 
fined to  her  own  sect  would  be  if  let 
loose  on  the  political  world.  And  so 
harrered  up  my  mind  got  in  contem- 
platin'  that  gigantic  danger  to  my  sect, 
and  my  country,  that  before  I  knowed  it 
I  wuz  speakin'  my  thoughts  and  fore- 
bod  in 's  aloud. 

Sez  I,  "  Another  insurmountable  objec- 
tion agin  female  suffragin',  another  fear- 
ful danger  facin'  the  country  if  females 
should  have  a  free  run  in  the  political 
field,  is  their  well  known  extravagance." 

Sez  I,  "  To  a  Female  Researcher  of  the 
prudent,  equinomical  male  sect,  it  is  ab- 
solutely appallin'   to  witness   the  blind 

[  «38  ] 


ib 


"  Josiah,"  sez  she,  "a  hen  don't  cackle  till  she  lays  her  egg" 


•  M 


|! 


I 


(! 


MM 


I  Talk  on  Wimmcn's  Extravagance 


• 


reckless  extravagance  of  wimmen  and 
their  well  known  habits  of  follerin'  each 
other's  fashions  blindly,  like  a  flock  of 
sheep  jumpin'  over  the  fence.  If  one 
woman  gits  a  new  dress  the  neighborin' 
wimmen  have  got  to  git  one  like  it,  or 
better,  not  a  mite  of  independent  sperit 
about  'em.  Why  can't  they  take  pattern 
of  us  men  who  always  wear  jest  what  we 
please,  and  pay  no  attention  to  what  any 
other  male  wears,  pay  no  attention 
whatsumever  to  fashion  or  extravagance. 
In  fact  men  would  hardly  know  there 
wuz  any  such  words  as  them,  if  it  wuzn't 
for  female  doin's  and  the  dictionary." 

I  knowed  I  had  got  Samantha  in  a 
corner  then  that  she  couldn't  git  out  on 
and  I  waited  with  a  dignified  stately 
look  on  my  linement  to  hear  her  say, 
"I  gin  up,  Josiah;  you're  in  the  right 
on't."  Butdidlhear  her  say  this?  Oh, 
no  I 

She  lifted  up  the  plump  yeller  skinned 
chicken  in  one  hand,  whilst  she  peered 
under  its  wings  for  a  stray  pin  feather. 
And  then  she  laid  it  down  gently  on  the 

[  139] 


1 

1  1 

1 

1 

t 

! 

i 

i 
I 

/ 

! 

!  1 

j. 

i 

'r 

'.       ; 

1 

I      •; 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

pages  of  the  World  that  wuz  spread  for 
Its  benefit  over  the  table,  I  spoze  to  keep 
her  dress  clean,  and  as  she  looked  down 
on  the  smooth  crisp  folds  of  gingham  she 

sez : 

"  Yes,  lots  of  wimmen  are  extravagant. 
But  as  the  fashion  is  now,  Josiah,  five  or 
SIX  yards  will  make  a  woman  a  dress, 
and  have  enough  left  to  make  her  hus- 
band a  vest,  if  he  would  wear  anything 
so  cheap.  I've  got  enough  left  of  this 
very  dress,  good  green  and  white  plaid 
gmgham,  costin'  ten  cents  per  yard  to 
make  you  a  good  cool  summer  vest ;  it 
would  wear  like  iron,  and  I  stand  ready 
to  make  it,  and  will  you  wear  it,  Josiah  ?  " 

She  thought  she  had  me  in  a  corner 
then,  but  my  mind  works  so  quick  I  an- 
swered her  almost  instantaneously, "  Id'no 
as  a  green  and  white  plaid  vest  would  be 
becomin'  to  my  complexion,  but  I  will 
wear  it  if  the  other  bretheren  will." 

Sez  she,  "  I  thought  you  didn't  care 
what  any  one  else  wore." 

Is  there  any  limit  to  a  female's  aggra- 
vatin'?    I  wouldn't  dane  a  reply.    But 

[  140  ] 


I  Talk  on  Wimmen's  Extravagance 

I  took  up  Ayer's  Albernack  with  a  stern 
cold  linement,  and  went  to  readin'  the 
advertisements,  and  of  course  she  didn't 
see  the  danger  ahead  on  her,  of  irritatin* 
too  fur  a  strong  nater. 

She  kep'  right  on,  "  No  douht  wimmen 
are  sometimes  extravagant,  Josiah,  no 
doubt  they  spend  lots  of  money  foolishly 
and  worse  than  foolishly,  but  before  wo 
decide  that  it  ort  to  deprive  her  of  polit- 
ical rights,  let  us  compare  it  with  men's 
extravagance  for  a  few  minutes." 

I  felt  above  replyin'  to  her,  but  kep' 
my  eye  on  the  bottle  of  medicine,  and 
the  woman  raised  from  the  tomb  by  a 
smell  of  the  cork,  and  she  went  on  : 

"  Which  party  is  it  in  a  workman's 
home  that  usually  wants  to  buy  an  auto- 
mobile before  the  little  home  is  paid  for  ? 
Mebby  in  some  rare  cases  the  woman 
eggs  the  man  on,  but  I  believe  that  it  is 
safe  to  say  that  in  seven  cases  out  of  ten, 
it  is  not  the  housekeeper  and  house 
mother  that  is  willin'  to  risk  losin'  the 
ruflf  that  covers  her  baby's  pretty  head, 
and  councils  waitin'  a  while  before  takin' 

[141] 


I  i 
ji 


I  if 
11 


iKi 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

on  the  extravagance  of  the  added  expense. 
And  which  party  is  it,  Josiah,  that  turns 
and  twists  every  way  to  save  money  so 
her  boy  and  girl  can  present  a  decent  ap- 
pearance  before  her  mates?    How  many 
millions  a  year  duz  the  horse  races,  yot 
races  and  polo  games  and  other  manly 
amusements    amount   to?    How   many 
billions  a  year  duz  the  useless  extrava- 
gance of  tobacco  cost  ?   Of  course  you  can 
substract   sunthin'  for  some  wimmen's 
foolish  habit  of  cigarette  smoking,  but  in 
the  great  total   it  would  hardly  count. 
And   in  how  many  poor  homes  duz  a 
woman  toil  into  the  night  hours  to  mend 
and  make  so  that  her  family  may  look 
respectable,  while  her  husband  is  spendin' 
his  spare  hours  and  spare  change  in  the 
corner  saloon  ?  " 

Sez  I,  lookin'  up  from  the  Albernack 
with  a  scathin'  irony  that  must  have 
scathed  her,  whether  she  owned  up  to  it 
or  not,  "  I  thought  it  wuz  about  time  for 
you  to  drag  in  that  saloon  bizness." 

"  Yes,"  sez  she,  "  it  is  time.  How  many 
billion  dollars  a  year  is  spent  mostly  by 

[  14?  ] 


I  Talk  on  Wimmen's  Extravagance 

men,  in  the  ruinous  extravagance  of 
strong  drink,  and  how  many  billions 
more  in  pay  in'  for  the  effects  on't,  loss 
of  labor,  jails,  prisons,  hospitals,  police 
force,  pauper  burials,  etc.,  etc.,  aud  I 
might  string  out  them  etc.'s,  Josiah,  clear 
from  here  to  Qrout  Hozleton's  and  then 
not  begin  to  git  in  the  perfectly  useless 
and  ruinous  extravagance  of  the  liquor 
bizness.  And  I  guess  that  take  all  the 
wimmen's  extravagance,  it  will  count  up 
so  small  in  comparison  as  to  be  lost  sight 
on.  And  unlike  the  liquor  bizness  if  a 
woman  dresses  extravagantly,  which  no 
doubt  she  often  duz,  the  dressmakers  and 
merchants  and  jewelers  reaps  a  profit,  if 
she  gives  extravagant  fashionable  parties, 
the  grocer,  the  florist,  the  laboring  class 
gits  some  benefit  from  it ;  it  is  not  a  dan- 
ger to  human  life,  like  the  heart  breakin', 
soul  destroy  in'  extravagance  and  danger 
to  the  hull  community  of  the  liquor 
traffic." 

I  felt  above  arguin'  with  her  agin  on 
this  subject  I  had  so  often  wasted  my 
finest  eloquence  on.    She  knowed  how  I 

[143] 


:M 


) 


!■ !"' ; 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

felt,  and  I  wouldn't  demean  myself  by 
repeatin'  my  crushin'  arguments  in  that 
direction,  for  I  knowed  as  well  as  I  sot 
there  that  she  wouldn't  act  crushed,  no 
matter  if  she  felt  flat  as  a  pan-cake.  So 
I  passed  on  to  another  faze  of  woman's 
extravagance. 

Sez  I,  "  It  hain't  enough  for  her  to 
spend  money  like  water  on  her  bridge 
parties,  and  maskerades,  and  theatre  and 
tango  parties,  but  she  has  to  rack  what 
little  brain  she's  got,  tryin'  to  git  up  new 
follies  that  other  wimmen  hain't  thought 
on ;  she  has  to  have  her  dog  parties,  and 
monkey  parties,  when  them  animals  come 
dressed  like  human  bein's  with  human 
folks  to  wait  on  'em.  Thank  Heaven  I 
you  can't  say  but  what  male  men  would 
look  down  with  abhorrence  on  such  fool 
doin's." 

But  Samantha  sez,  "  Id'no,  take  a  stag 
party  sometimes— mebby  in  the  beginin' 
them  stags  might  be  able  to  look  down 
on  the  monkeys,  but  after  high-balls  and 
cock-tails  and  gallons  of  shampain  has 
been    consumed,   Id'no    whether   them 

[144] 


I  Talk  on  Wimmcn's  Extravagance 

•tags  could  look  dowu  on  sober  temper- 
ate monkeys,  or  the  monkeys  look  down 
on  them,  though  no  doubt  some  of  the 
stags  behave  and  can  see  straight.'' 

I  scorned  to  notice  this  slur  onto  my 
sect,  brung  up  I  knowed  to  make  me 
swurve  from  my  subject,  but  it  didn't 
make  me  swurve  a  inch.  I  went  right 
on  and  brung  up  wimmen's  extravagance 
in  their  houses. 

Sez  I,  "  Look  at  her  gorgeous  Brussels 
carpets,  her  draperies  hangin'  from  ele- 
gant brass  poles,  her  superb  black  walnut 
furniture,  her  glossy  black  hair-cloth 
sofias  and  easy  chairs,  a  perfect  riot  of  ex- 
travagance, Samantha.  Who  can  blame 
a  man  from  kickin'  agin  it,  kickin',"  sez 
I,  "  with  the  hull  strength  of  a  outraged 
nater  and  a  number  nine  shue." 

"  No  doubt,"  sez  Samantha,  "  wimmen 
are  sometimes  extravagant  in  makin' 
their  homes  beautiful,  but  their  families 
and  admirin'  friends  benefit  by  it.  And 
how  duz  her  velvet  carpets  and  Persian 
rugs,  her  rose- wood  furniture,  statuary, 
and  costly  pictures  and  silken  draperies 

[145] 


'3!    ! 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

compare  with  men's  outlay  and  extrava- 
gance in  Public  Buildings ;  for  instance, 
the  Capitol  at  Albany  ;  wimmen  have  had 
nothing  to  do  with  that,  and  I  guess  her 
most  extravagant  doin's  in  her  house  will 
compare  favorably  with  the  millions 
men  have  spent  in  that  house  for  years, 
and  no  sign  of  there  ever  bein'  an  end 
to  it." 

I  knowed  by  the  look  on  her  linement 
that  she  meant  to  intimidate  that  there 
had  been  shiftlessnes  and  stealin'  goin' 
on  in  that  direction,  and  in  other  public 
works  through  the  country,  but  I  refused 
to  notice  the  slur  on  my  sect.  That  slur 
that  females  love  to  sling  at  us  and  which 
we'd  better  treat  with  silent  contemp, 
jest  as  I  did  now,  for  no  knowin'  if  we'd 
stoop  to  argy  with  'em  about  it,  what 
figgers  and  statistics  they  may  bring  up, 
to  prove  their  slurs,  so  as  I  say  I  passed 
it  over  with  silent  disdain,  but  I  sez  in  a 
safe  general  way,  fur  removed  from  prob- 
able figgers  she  would  be  apt  to  throw  at 
me  to  prove  her  reckless  insertions,  I  sez, 
puttin'  a  sad  look  onto  my  linement : 

[146] 


I  Talk  on  Wimmen's  Extravagance 

"  Wimmen's  extravagance  makes  the 
heart  of  man  to  ache  and  often  drives  him 
to  a  ontimely  tomb,  strivin'  for  fashion- 
able display,  strivin'  for  rights  she  don't 
need."  And  bein'  anxious  to  change  the 
subject  at  that  juncter  (I  always  think 
it  is  best  to  change  the  flow  of  my 
thought  occasionally)  I  put  on  a  sort  of  a 
solemn,  fraid  look  on  my  linement,  **  Such 
talk  as  you  wimmen  talk  is  revolution- 
ary, Samantba,  and  is  liable  to  lead  to 
war." 

And  then,  if  you'll  believe  it,  so  con- 
trary and  hard  to  conquer  is  females,  she 
took  advantage  of  that  speech  of  mine  to 
invay  on  the  expenditure  of  war.  She 
asked  me  then  and  there  how  many  bil- 
lions wuz  spent  every  year  by  male  men 
on  the  extravagance  of  man-made  war, 
its  preperation  and  consequences. 

I  told  her  coldly  and  with  a  irony  as 
iron  as  our  old  cook  stove,  that  as  much 
as  she  expected  of  me,  she  couldn't  ex- 
pect me  to  figger  up  to  a  cent  what  war 
had  cost  the  nation.  Sez  I,  "  With  the 
barn  chores  on  my  hands,  and  my  great 

[  147  ] 


h' 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

work  of  destroyin'  Woman's  Suffrage  do 
you  expect  me  to  keep  track  of  every 
cent  the  nation  has  spent  on  war?  " 

"No,"  sez  she,  "one  man  couldn't 
reckon  it  up  if  he  spent  his  hull  lifetime 
at  it,  but  jest  the  money  spent  on  it 
yearly  is  two  billion  five  hundred  mil- 
lion. But,"  sez  she,  "  it  seems  that  the 
enormous  extravagance  of  man  in  this 
direction  and  others  don't  unfit  him  for 
the  franchise.  And  if  you  should  spend 
a  few  years  tryin'  to  reckon  up  the  gi- 
gantic expenditure  in  money  and  misery, 
the  horrors  and  extravagance  of  war  and 
its  effects,  you  might  feel  like  talkin'  less 
about  wimmen's  extravagance  and  how 
it  makes  her  onfit  to  be  a  citizen  of  the 
country  she's  born  into,  and  helps  to 
support  with  her  labor  and  taxes." 

Oh,  how  aggravatin'  a  woman  can  be 
when  she  sets  out  to  be.  Much  as  I  think 
of  Samantha  and  the  tendrils  of  my  great 
heart  are  wropped  completely  round  her, 
as  big  as  she  is  round  her  waist — yet 
sometimes  on  occasions  like  this  I  almost 
wish  I  wuz  a  bacheldor,  a  far  off  lonely 

[148] 


I  Talk  on  Wimmcn's  Extravagance 

man  in  some  distant  cave,  or  on  some 
lonesome  mountain  peak,  encumbered  not 
by  a  female  who  thinks  she  has  a  right 
to  argy  with  me  and  irritate  me. 

But  these  feelin's  always  come  over  me 
in  the  middle  of  the  forenoon,  or  the 
middle  of  the  afternoon.  When  it  comes 
nigh  meal  time,  my  wild  seethin'  emo- 
tions gradually  simmers  down  and  as  the 
appetizin'  meals  progress  so  duz  my  feel- 
in's  change  and  grow  less  dangerous  ;  if 
they  didn't  I  don't  know  what  the  effect 
would  be  to  the  world  of  females. 

I  spoze  it  is  the  way  the  overrulin' 
power  has  fixed  it  as  a  means  of  safety  to 
females,  for  with  my  strong  nater  and 
massive  inteleck,  if  it  wuzn't  for  them 
three  daily  safety  valves  to  let  off  the 
steam  of  my  indignation  at  female  doin's, 
and  sayin's,  Heaven  only  knows  what 
would  be  the  consequences.  Things  and 
folks  would  be  tore  to  pieces  for  all  that 
I  knew  and  utterly  destroyed.  For  how 
can  you  curb  in  a  outraged  and  high 
sperited  nature  when  it  is  fully  rousted 
up,  and  aggravation  has  gone  too  fur? 

[149] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

It  is  well  that  good  vittles  stand  guard 
between  me  and  them. 

But  as  a  man  who  loves  peace  and 
quiet,  and  despises  female  arguin'  I  wuz 
glad  at  this  juncter  to  see  the  welcome 
form  of  Uncle  Sime  wendin'  his  way 
towards  the  barn.  And  I  throwed  down 
the  Albernack  with  a  hauty  movement 
of  my  right  hand,  and  strode  off  barn- 
ward  with  my  head  erect.  And  then  we 
two  valiant  warriors  in  a  noble  cause 
held  a  meetin'  of  sweet  sympathy  and 
full  understandin'  in  the  horse  barn. 


[150] 


IX 

THE  DANGER  PROM  WIMMEN'8 
EXAGGERATION 

I  TOLD  Samantha  one  day  that  an- 
other strong  reason  why  wimmen 
hadn't  ort  to  vote,  and  why  they 
would  be  such  a  dangerous  element  in 
politics  wuz  that  they  prevaricated  and 
exaggerated  to  such  a  alarmin'  extent. 

Sez  I,  "A  woman  can't  tell  a  story 
straight  to  save  her  life — ^but  has  to  put 
in  so  many  exaggerations  and  stretch  out 
facts  so  you  couldn't  reconize  'em  when 
she  gits  'em  pulled  out  to  the  length  she 
pulls  'em.  They  don't  seem  to  have  any 
idee  of  plain  straightforward  truthfulness 
such  as  my  sect  has.  As  long  as  they've 
seen  men  appearin'  before  'em,  tellin'  the 
exact  truth  from  day  to  day,  and  from 
year  to  year,  they  can't  or  won't  foller  his 
example. 

[  151  ] 


ill 

-il  I 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

"  That  trait  of  theirn,"  sez  I,  "  is  bad 
enough  in  the  home  and  social  circle,  for 
there  their  men  folks  can  head  'em  ofif, 
and  cover  things  up  and  make  excuses 
for  'em,  and  tell  the  story  straight.  But 
if  it  wuz  carried  into  public  life  where 
their  men  folks  couldn't  reach  'em,  and 
quell  'em  down,  and  ameliorate  the  ef- 
fects on  it,  where  would  this  nation  be  ? 
It  would  be  looked  down  on  and  shawed 
at  by  Foreign  Powers  as  a  nation  of  ex- 
aggerators  and  false  witnessors,  and  it  ort 
to  be. 

**  Wimmen  can't  seem  to  learn  to  tell 
the  truth  and  '  nothin'  but  the  truth,'  and 
that  is  the  reason,  Samantha,"  sez  I, "  that 
that  clause  wuz  put  in  the  law  books ;  it 
wuz  designed  to  try  to  skair  female  wit- 
nesses, and  drive  'em  into  tellin'  the 
truth.    But  it  hain't  done  it." 

I  wuz  gittin'  real  eloquent  and  riz  up, 
for  nothin'  pleases  a  man  more  than  to 
teach  his  wimmen  folks  great  truths  and 
enlighten  'em  about  laws.  But  Saman- 
tha had  to  bring  me  down  from  the  hite 
I  wuz  on,  in  the  aggravatin'  way  females 

[152] 


Danger  From  Wimmen's  Exaggeration 

have.  And  as  it  turned  out  I  wuz  kinder 
sorry  I  had  dwelt  on  that  trait  of  females 
that  particular  time,  for  she  said  in  the 
irritatin'  way  wimmen  have  of  bringin' 
up  facts  at  times  when  there  hain't  no 
use  of  bringin'  'em  up  and  when  it  is 
inconvenient  for  'em  to  be  brung. 

Sez  she,  "  I  would  talk  about  exaggera- 
tion in  females,  and  men's  love  for  exact 
truth,  after  what  took  place  in  this  settin' 
room  only  last  evenin'." 

I  didn't  reply  to  her  for  there  are  times 
when  silent  disapproval  is  better  than  ar- 
gument. I  knowed  what  she  meant,  and 
I  knowed  she  wanted  to  spile  my  argu- 
ment, in  the  ornary  way  females  have,  so, 
as  I  say,  I  treated  them  words  with  silent 
contemp  and  went  out  to  the  barn.  But 
I  spoze  I  may  as  well  tell  you  how  it 
wuz,  for  if  I  don't  she  may  tell  it  and 
make  it  out  Worse  than  it  wuz.  Conde- 
lick  Henzy  come  over  here  last  night 
after  supper  to  borry  my  neck-yoke  and 
Dr.  Meezik  from  Zoar,  where  he  used  to 
live,  went  to  see  Condelick  on  bizness, 
and  his  wife  told  him  he  wuz  here  so  he 

[  153  ] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 


; 


IP.  i 


m 


stopped  here  on  his  way  home  (I  mistrust 
Condelick  owes  him  though  he  didn't 
dun  him  before  us). 

They're  both  on  'em  good  natered  easy- 
goin'  men,  and  love  to  talk  and  tell 
stories.  And  I  brung  up  a  basin  of  good 
sick-no-furder  apples,  and  they  set  and  et 
apples  and  talked  and  talked.  They  both 
on  'em  love  to  brag  about  what  they've 
seen  and  hearn  and  naterally  both  on  'em 
want  to  tell  the  biggest  story  about  it. 
Onfortinately  Samantha  wuz  in  the  room 
to  work  on  a  new  insane  bed-quilt.  And 
of  course  she  has  to  find  fault  and  crick- 
etcise  what  they  said  and  won't  make 
allowances  for  high  sperits. 

Sez  Dr.  Meezik, "  When  I  wuz  a  young 
man  my  folks  lived  on  a  farm  that  run 
along  one  side  on  a  creek.  And  one  day 
I  wuz  down  on  the  creek  lot  hoein'  corn 
and  a  bear  come  down  on  the  ice  from  the 
big  woods,  and  I  rushed  right  out  on  the 
ice  and  killed  that  bear  with  my  hoe." 

Sez  Condelick, "  That's  nothin'  to  what 
I  did  at  about  the  same  time.  I  lived  on 
that  same  creek  though  furder  south  ;  it 

[154] 


Danger  From  Wimmen's  Exaggeration 

wuz  dretful  rich  land.  And  I  raised  a 
cabbage  there  that  wuz  so  big  I  hol- 
lered out  the  stem  on't  and  made  a  boat 
of  it,  and  used  it  to  ferry  me  acrost  that 
very  stream  of  water." 

"  And  it  wuz  jest  about  that  time,"  sez 
Dr.  Meezik,  "  le'me  see,  it  wuz  on  my 
birthday  about  nine  minutes  past  four 
o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  or  it  may  have 
been  nine  and  a  half  minutes  past,  I  al- 
ways want  to  be  perfectly  exact  in  my 
statements,  but  we  will  let  it  go  at  nine 
minutes. 

"  I  wuz  a  great  hunter  in  them  days 
and  fearless  as  a  lion  as  you  may  know 
by  my  goin'  out  on  the  ice  to  meet  that 
bear  who  had  come  to  eat  green  corn, 
and  killed  him  with  my  hoe  handle. 

"  I  had  gone  a  little  further  north  than 
I  had  ever  gone  before,  and  I  come  out 
to  a  big  clearin'  that  I  had  never  seen.  I 
should  say  it  wuz  half  a  degree  north  of 
where  we're  settin'  now,  or  it  might  have 
been  half  a  pint  further,  a  man  can't  be 
too  exact  and  particular  in  telling  such 
things,  for  some  folks  if  they  wanted  to 

[155] 


i 


il 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

pick  flaws  and  find  fault  might  doubt 
his  statement.  But  I  didn't  have  my 
pocket  compass  with  me  and  I  wuz  so 
surprised  at  what  I  see  there  that  I  don't 
know  that  I  should  thought  to  use  it  if 
I  had  had  it. 

"  I  must  say  that  as  many  strange  things 
as  I've  seen  and  heard  I  never  wuz  jo 
surprised  as  I  wuz  at  what  I  see  there. 

"  Right  there  in  that  big  clearin'  there 
wuz  a  perfect  army  of  tinkers  makiu'  a 
immense  brass  kettle.  There  wuz  jest 
one  hundred  of  'em,  for  I  counted  'em 
over  twice  so's  to  be  sure  of  gittin'  the 
exact  number.  I  am  always  so  perfectly 
reliable  in  my  statements,  and  am  bound 
to  git  the  smallest  petickulars  jest  right. 
I  spoze  I  got  the  habit  partly  from 
weighin'  out  my  medicines  so  exact. 

"  And  them  tinkers  wuz  hammerin' 
away  for  all  they  wuz  worth  on  that 
kettle,  and  you  may  judge  of  the  size  of 
it  when  I  tell  you  them  workmen  wuz  so 
fur  apart  they  couldn't  hear  each  other  a 
hammerin'." 

Even  Condelick  Henzy  wuz  took  back 
[156] 


Danger  From  Wimmen's  Exaggeration 

and  browbeat  and  sez  mekanically, "  What 
do  you  spoze  they  wuz  goin'  to  do  with 
the  kettle?" 

"Well,"  sez  Dr.  Meezik,  "  they  didn't 
tell  me,  for  I  didn't  want  to  act  forward 
and  ask,  but  I  always  spozed  they  wuz 
goin'  to  use  it  to  bile  your  cabbage  in." 

Just  at  this  epock  of  time  Samantha 
gathered  up  her  insane  piece  work  and 
left  the  room.  She  didn't  say  nothin', 
but  I  knowed  by  the  looks  of  her  line- 
ment  jest  as  well  as  I  know  now,  that 
she'd  throw  that  kettle  and  that  cabbage 
in  my  face  some  time  the  most  inconve- 
nient for  me,  and  you  can  see  plain  she's 
done  it  and  now  I  hope  she's  satisfied. 

As  I  said  I  went  out  to  the  barn  and 
kinder  fussed  round  cleanin'  up  some, 
and  I  never  see  Samantha  agin  till 
dinner  time.  I  wuzn't  afraid  to  gt^  in  and 
meet  her  and  have  her  resoom  her  argu- 
ment agin.  No,  I  skorn  the  importation. 
I  belong  to  a  fearless  sect,  aiid  am  almost 
unacquainted  with  the  word  fear,  though 
I  know  there  is  such  a  word  in  the  Dic- 
tionary. 

[157] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

No,  I  had  considerable  putterin'  round 
to  do  in  the  barn,  and  hen  house,  and  so 
I  stayed  out  there  till  I  beam  the  wel- 
come sound  of  the  dinner  bell  and  smelt 
even  from  the  barn  door  the  agreable 
odors  risin'  from  a  first  class  dinner. 

The  smell  and  taste  of  the  tender  roast 
lamb  and  lushious  vegetables  softened 
my  feelin's  considerable,  or  would  have 
if  it  hadn't  been  for  the  look  on  Saman- 
tha's  face.  It  wuzn't  a  cross  look  nor  a 
mean  one,  would  that  it  wuz,  for  I  could 
handle  them  looks  better. 

No,  it  wuz  a  kind  of  a  superior  look, 
as  if  she  had  conquored  me  in  the  ar- 
gument about  exaggeration  and  prevari- 
cation, and  wuz  gloatin'  over  the  contrary 
temps  that  had  occurred  in  the  settin' 
room  only  the  evenin'  before,  the  little 
incident  that  broke  down  my  ezcelent 
argument. 

And  of  all  the  looks  that  mankind 
ever  read  on  a  woman's  linement,  the 
one  a  man  can't  stand  is  a  superior  look,  a 
look  that  says  as  plain  as  words,  "  I  like 
you    and    pity  you,    but  I  can't    help 

[158] 


Danger  From  Wimmen's  Exaggeration 

lookin'  down  on  you,  Poor  Thing!" 
That  look  from  a  inferior  sect  always  ag- 
gravates a  man  so  that  he  hain't  skursly 
answerable  for  what  he  sez  and  duz. 

And  air  c^t.  oubeknown  to  me  I  broke 
forth  in  a  '  iiphir.'  a'-^'ument  designed  to 
crush  :j'^;  ui'd  f:b<»  i^  that  look  on  her 
linen  n  •,  to  one  ot  hurr>  ^eness  becomin'  to 
a  feiruMfc.  Ce/.  1,  "  Ou  sect  has  been  the 
mal.in'  of  jorrn,  and  it  seems  that  when 
a  femule  ccnciier^i  nnu  thinks  on  all  that 
men  have  '^re  foi  wimmen  and  are 
willin'  to  uo  ior  em,  they  would  have 
some  feelin's  of  gratitude  towards  'em, 
but  they  don't;  they  delight  in  argyin' 
with  'em  and  tryin'  to  git  the  better  on 
'em." 

Instead  of  my  smart  reasonable  words 
affectin'  her  favorably  it  seemed  as  if  the 
look  I  despised  deepened  on  her  linement ; 
not  a  sign  did  I  see  of  meach,  nor  a  sign 
of  humble  gratitude,  and  I '  iz  so  irritated 
by  it  that  I  lanched  rigi^t  out  in  the 
crushin'  argument  that  I  had  on  my 
mind  and  that  ort  to  bring  female  feathers 
droopin'  down  in  the  very  dust. 

[159] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 


HI! 


r' 


i* 


i!:: 


Sez  I,  "  Do  you  ever  pause  to  think, 
Samantha,  of  the  inestimable  boon  wim- 
men  owe  to  men  ?  Why,"  sez  I,  "  if  it 
hadn't  been  for  a  man,  wimmen  wouldn't 
had  no  souls  to-day." 

"How  do  you  make  that  out?"  sez 
Samantha,  helpin'  herself  camly  to  some 
more  dressin'. 

**  Why,  it  is  a  matter  of  history  that  way 
back  in  the  centuries  the  preachers  of 
that  time  had  a  meetin'  to  settle  the  ques- 
tion, and  when  they  took  a  vote  on't,  the 
majority  on  'em  stood  out  on  the  popular 
side  and  cast  their  votes  agin  'em,  and 
vowed  and  declared  that  females  hadn't 
no  souls.  And  it  wuz  only  by  the  vote 
of  one  single  solitary  man  that  it  wuz 
carried  in  their  favor  and  decided  that 
they  had  souls. 

"  And  I  should  think  females  would  be 
so  grateful  to  that  noble  man  for  what  he 
done  for  'em,  for  his  bein'  willin'  to  admit 
that  they  had  souls,  that  they  would 
honor  the  hull  sect  to  which  he  belonged, 
and  look  up  to  'em  in  humble  and  grateful 
gratitude,  and  never  try  to  argy  with  'em 

[i6o] 


Danger  From  Wimmcn's  Exaggeration 

and  aggravate  'em.    For  let  me  ask  you, 
Samautha,"  sez  I,  in  a  solemn  azent, 
"  where  would  wimmen  have  been  if  that 
man  had  held  out  and  jined  in  with  the 
rest,  and  decided  that  wimmen  hadn't 
got  any  soul  ?    Where  would  they  been 
then,  and  where  would  they  be  to-day  ?  " 
"  Jest  where  they  always  wuz  and  are 
now,"  sez  Samantha  camly  helpin'  her- 
self to  a  apple  dumplin'.    "  It  seems  that 
it  wuz  men  that  started  the  question  in 
the  first  place,  and  I  spoze  that  if  wimmen 
hadn't  been  so  wore  out  and  hampered 
by  her  hard  work  of  takin'  care  of  men, 
cookin',  mendin',  and  cleanin'  for  'em  and 
bringin'  up  their  children,  etc.,  they  might 
have  had  a  jury  of  wimmen  set  on  men 
to  find  out  if  they  had  souls.    But  I  don't 
spoze  they  had  a  minute's  time  to  spare 
from  their  hard   work  no  more  than  I 
have,  and  I  don't  spoze  it  would  make  any 
difference  either  way.    The  main  thing 
is  whether  men  and  wimmen  have  got 
souls  to-day,  and  use  them  souls  for  the 
good  of  mankind,  instead  of  lettin'  'em 
grow  hard,  or  wither  away  in  indifference 

Cx6i] 


11 


il 

J: 


ii 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

to  the  woes  and  wants  of  the  world,  and 
the  cause  of  Eternal  Justice  for  every  one, 
male  and  female." 

That  is  jest  the  way  with  wimmen, 
they've  got  to  talk  and  argy  and  try  to 
have  the  last  word.  You  can't  seem  to 
make  'em  act  meachin'  and  beholdin'  to 
men  anyway  you  can  work  it,  and  it  seems 
to  me  I've  tried  every  way  there  is  from 
first  to  last. 

But  I  wouldn't  argy  no  more,  I  felt 
above  it.  I  helped  myself  to  my  fourth 
apple  dumplin'  with  a  look  of  silent  con- 
temp  on  my  liuement,  also  I  had  the 
same  look  when  I  poured  the  lemon  sass 
over  it  and  took  my  third  cup  of  coffee. 

And  my  linement  still  showed  to  a 
clost  observer  the  marks  of  a  tried  though 
hauty  sperit,  as  I  riz  up  from  the  table 
and  retired  with  a  high  step  to  my  sacred 
corner  to  resoom  my  literary  efforts. 

Sometimes  pardners  are  real  aggravatin' 
to  each  other  and  a  trial  to  be  borne  with. 
And  though  I  don't  know  what  I'd  do  if 
I  should  ever  lose  Samantha,  it  don't 
seem    as    if   I    could  ever  eat  another 

[162] 


Danger  From  Wimmcn's  Exaggeration 

womaD's  vittles  after  livin'  on  the  fat  of 
the  land  as  you  may  say  for  forty  years. 

Yet  there  are  times  when  you  set 
smartin'  under  wownds  your  pardner  has 
gin  your  sperit  and  from  arguments  she 
no  need  to  have  brung  up,  and  you  see  a 
widow  man  a  passin'  by,  you  have  feelin's 
that  can  skursly  be  told  on.  You  can 
see  by  the  looks  of  his  face  and  hands 
that  he  don't  wash  any  oftener  than  he 
wants  to,  and  never  combs  his  hair  and 
don't  change  his  clothes  till  the  Board  of 
Health  gits  after  him.  And  you  know 
he  never  goes  to  meetin',  and  throws  off 
girl  blinders  boldly,  and  stays  out  nights 
till  as  late  as  ten  p.  m.  onquestioned  and 
onscolded.  And  don't  have  to  clean  his 
shues  when  he  goes  in,  and  never  curbs 
his  appetite,  but  eats  like  a  hog  and 
enjoys  himself. 

Why,  much  as  you  love  the  dear 
pardner  of  your  bosom,  and  prize  the 
excelent  food  she  cooks,  and  the  clean 
comfortable  home  she  makes  for  you — 
the  air  of  freedom  that  seems  to  blow 
from  that  widow  man  (kinder  stale  air  too) 

[  163  ] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

yet  it  fans  your  clean  head  and  clean 
stiff  shirt  bosom  like  a  breath  from  the 
Isle  of  Freedom. 

And  so  after  Samantha  had  hurt  my 
feelin's  and  wownded  my  self  respect  by 
remindin'  me  of  the  incident  mentioned, 
when  if  she  had  kep'  still  I  should  have 
come  off  victorious  in  my  argument,  I 
retired  into  the  solitude  of  my  corner  in 
the  settin'  room  where  Betsy  Bobbett's 
poetry  lay  heaped  up  in  the  dish-pan  and 
I  read  with  feelin'  that  I  couldn't  skursly 
describe  the  follerin'  verses  which  I  spoze 
Betsy  writ  after  her  husband  had 
wownded  her  feelin's.  And  in  readin' 
it  I  dedicate  it  silently  to  my  brother 
men  who  have  been  aggravated  by  their 
pardners. 


LONGIN'S  OF  THE  SOLE 
By  Belay  Bobbett  Slimjpsey 

Oh  Gimlet !  back  again  I  float, 
With  broken  wings,  a  weary  bard ; 
I  cannot  write  as  once  I  wrote, 
I  have  to  work  so  very  hard  ; 
So  hard  my  lot,  so  tossed  about, 
My  muse  is  fairly  tuckered  out 
[164] 


Danger  From  Wimmen's  Exaggeration 

My  muse  aforesaid  once  hath  flown, 
Bat  now  her  back  is  broke,  and  breast ; 
And  yet  she  fain  would  crumple  down ; 
On  Gimlet's  pages  she  would  rest, 
And  sing  plain  words  as  there  she's  sot  — 
Haply  they'll  rhyme,  and  haply  not 

I  spake  plain  words  in  former  days, 
Ko  guile  I  showed,  clear  was  my  plan ; 
My  gole  it  matrimony  was ; 
My  earthly  aim  it  was  a  man. 
I  gained  my  man,  I  won  my  gole ; 
Alas !  I  feel  not  as  I  fole. 

Yes,  ringing  through  my  maiden  thought 
This  clear  voice  rose :  *'  Oh  come  up  higher." 
To  speak  plain  truth  with  candor  fraught, 
To  married  be  was  my  desire  — 
Kow,  sweeter  still  this  lot  doth  seem, 
To  be  a  widder  is  my  theme. 

For  toil  hath  claimed  me  for  her  own, 

In  wedlock  I  have  found  no  ease ; 

I've  cleaned  and  washed  for  neighbors  round, 

And  took  my  i>ay  in  beans  and  pease ; 

In  boiling  sap  no  rest  I  took. 

Or  husking  com  in  bam  and  stook. 

Or  picking  wool  from  houee  to  house. 
White-washing,  painting,  i>apering, 
In  stretching  carpets,  boiling  souse ; 
E'en  picking  hops  it  hath  a  sting. 
For  spiders  there  assembled  be. 
Mosquitoes,  bugs  and  etc 

[165] 


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I  s: 

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Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

I  have  to  work  oh !  very  hard ; 

Old  Toil  I  know  your  breadth  and  length ; 

I'm  tired  to  death,  and  in  one  word, 

I  have  to  work  beyend  my  strength. 

And  mortal  men  are  very  tongh 

To  get  along  with,  nasty,  rough. 

Yes,  tribulations  doomed  to  her 
Who  weds  a  man,  without  no  doubt. 
In  peace  a  man  is  singuler ; 
His  ways  they  are  past  findin'  out. 
And  oh !  the  wrath  of  mortal  males — 
To  paint  their  ire,  earth's  language  faila 

And  thirteen  children  in  our  home 
Their  buttons  rent  their  clothes  they  burst, 
Much  bread  and  such  did  they  consume ; 
Of  children  they  did  seem  the  worst 
And  Simon  and  I  do  disagree ; 
He's  prone  to  sin  oontinualee. 

He  horrors  has,  he  oft  doth  kick. 
He  prances,  yells — ^he  will  not  work. 
Sometimes  I  think  he  is  too  sick ; 
Sometimes  I  think  he  tries  to  shirk ; 
But  'tis  hard  for  her  in  either  case. 
Who  B.  Bobbett  was  in  happier  days. 

Happier  t  Away  I  such  thoughts  I  spurn. 
I  count  it  true  fh>m  spring  to  fall, 
'Tis  better  to  be  wed,  and  groan, 
Than  never  to  be  wed  at  all. 
I'd  work  my  hands  down  to  the  bone 
Bather  than  rest  a  maiden  lone. 
[166] 


Danger  From  Wimmen's  Exaggeration 

This  truth  I  cannot,  will  not  shirk, 

I  feel  it  when  I  sorrow  most : 

I'd  rather  break  my  back  with  work, 

And  haggard  look  as  any  ghost, — 

Bather  than  lonely  vigils  keep, 

I'd  wed  and  sigh  and  groan  and  weep. 

Yes,  I  can  say  though  tears  fall  quick 
Gan  say,  while  briny  tear-drops  start, 
I'd  rather  wed  a  crooked  stick, 
Than  never  wed  no  stick  at  alL 
Sooner  than  laughed  at  be,  as  of  yore 
I'd  rather  laugh  myself  no  more. 

I'd  rather  go  half  dad  and  starved, 
And  mops  and  dish-cloths  madly  wave 
Than  have  the  name,  B.  Bobbett,  carved 
On  head-stun  rising  o'er  my  grave. 
Proud  thought !  now,  when  that  stun  is  risen 
'Twill  bear  two  names — my  name  and  hisen. 

Methinks  'twould  colder  make  the  stun 
If  but  one  name,  the  name  of  she. 
Should  linger  there  alone— alone. 
How  different  when  the  name  of  he 
Does  also  deck  the  funeral  urn ; 
Two  wedded  names,  his  name  and  hurn. 

And  sweeter  yet,  oh  blessed  lot ! 
Oh  state  most  dignified  and  blest ! 
To  be  a  widder  calmly  sot. 
And  have  both  dignity  and  rest. 
Oh  Simon,  strangely  sweet  'twould  be 
To  be  a  widder  unto  thee. 

[•67] 


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Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

The  warf)Eu«  past,  the  horrors  done, 
With  maiden's  ease  and  pride  of  wife, 
The  dignity  of  wedded  one, 
The  calm  and  peace  of  single  life,— 
Oh,  strangely  sweet  this  lot  doth  seem ; 
A  female  widder  is  my  theme. 

I  wonld  not  hart  a  hair  of  he, 

Tet  did  he  fh>m  earth's  toil  escape, 

I  oonld  most  reconcile  be, 

Could  sweetly  moorn  e'en  without  crape. 

Could  say  without  a  pang  of  pain 

That  Simon's  loss  was  Betsy'b  gain. 

I've  told  the  plain  tale  of  my  woes. 
With  no  deceit  or  language  vain. 
Have  told  whereon  my  hopes  are  rose, 
Have  sung  my  mournftil  song  of  pain. 
And  now  I  e'en  will  end  my  tale, 
Fve  nmg  my  song,  and  wailed  my  wail. 


[168] 


THE  MODERN  WIMMBN  CONDEMNED 

THE  Vice  President  of  the  Crea- 
tion Searchin'  Society  of  Jones- 
ville  WU2  here  yesterday  mornin', 
and  as  soon  as  he'd  gone  through  the  usual 
neighborly  talk  about  the  weather,  the 
hens,  his  wife,  and  the  neighbors,  etc.,  he 
tipped  back  in  his  chair  and  pushed  back 
his  hat  a  little  furder  on  his  head.  He 
never  took  off  his  hat  in  my  sight ;  8a- 
mantha  atked  me  once  "  if  I  spozed  he 
took  it  off  nights,  or  slep  in  it." 

But  I  explained  it  to  her  as  a  kind 
man  is  always  willin'  to  do  if  a  female 
asks  him  properly  for  information. 

Sez  I,  "  I  hearn  him  say  once,  Saman- 
tha,  that  the  way  he  got  in  the  habit  of 
not  takin'  off  his  hat  before  wimmen  wuz 
to  impress  'em  with  the  fact  of  male  su- 
periority, and  to  let  'em  know  that  he 
wuzn't  goin'  to  bow  down  before  'em  and 

[169] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

act  meachin'.  He  wu  i  always  a  big  feelin' 
feller  and  after  he  got  to  be  such  a  high 
official  in  the  C.  S.  8.  he  naterally  is 
hautier  actin'." 

Well,  almoflt  to  once  he  begun  to  Sa- 
mantha  about  wimmen's  voting  runnin' 
the  idee  down  to  the  very  lowest  notch 
it  could  go  on  the  masculine  stiHyards. 
You  see  my  forthcomin'  great  work  agin 
Wimmen  Rights  has  excited  the  male 
Jonesvillians  dretfully,  and  emboldened 
'em,  till  they  act  as  fierce  and  bold  as  lions 
when  they're  talkin'  to  females. 

They  realize  that  when  that  immortal 
work  is  lanched  onto  the  waitin'  world 
the  cause  of  Woman's  Sufifrage  will  col- 
lapse like  the  bladders  we  used  to  blow 
up  in  childhood,  jest  as  sharp  and  sudden 
and  jest  as  windy.  They  know  that  them 
that  uphold  such  uroneous  beliefs  won't 
be  nothin'  nor  nobody  then,  and  so  they 
begin  beforehand  to  act  more  hauty  and 
uppish  towards  Suffragists,  and  browbeat 
'em.  And  he  poked  fun  at  the  cause 
and  slurred  at  it,  and  sneered  at  it  till  I 
didn't  know  but  Samantha  would  take 

[170] 


The  Modern  Wimmen  Condemned 

lumbago  from  bis  remarks,  but  she  didn't 
seem  to. 

She  had  got  her  mornings  work  all  did 
up  slick,  her  gingham  apron  hung  up 
behind  the  kitchen  door,  and  she'd  re- 
soomed  her  white  one  trimmed  with 
tattin'.  And  she  sot  knittin'  on  a  pair  of 
blue  woosted  socks  for  me,  her  linemen t 
as  smooth  and  onrumpled  as  her  hair, 
which  wuz  combed  smooth  round  her 
forward.  And  she  kep'  on  with  her 
knittin',  only  once  in  a  while  she  would 
look  up  at  him  over  her  specs  in  the 
queer  way  she  has  at  times,  but  still  kep' 
lookin'  cam,  and  sayin'  nothin'. 

And  her  camness  and  her  silence  seemed 
to  spur  him  on  and  make  him  bolder  and 
more  aggressiver.  He  thought  she  wuz 
afraid  on  him,  but  I  knowed  she  wuzn't. 

At  last  he  flung  out  the  remark  to  her 
that  if  wimmen  could  vote  it  would  be 
the  bad  wimmen  who  would  flock  to  the 
poles;  Samantha  wuz  jest  turnin'  the 
heel  in  my  sock  and  after  she  made  the 
turn  she  said  that  that  wuzn't  so,  and 
she  brought  up  statisticks  and  throwed  at 

[171] 


I 

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MICROCOPY   RCSOUITION   TIST  CHART 

(ANSI  and  ISO  TEST  CHART  No.  2) 


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rf  Rochester.  New  York        U609      USA 

^S  (716)  482 -0300 -Phone 

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Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

him  (still  a  knittin'  and  seamin'  two  and 
two)  provin'  that  it  is  the  educated  con- 
scientious wimmen  who  want  to  help  the 
good  men  of  the  country  to  make  the  laws 
to  try  to  make  the  world  a  safer  place  for 
their  children,  a  better,  cleaner  place  for 
every  one,  and  she  threw  some  statements 
at  him  from  States  that  had  Woman's 
Suffrage  for  years  and  years  to  prove  her 
insertion,  but  the  statisticks,  the  figgers 
and  the  proofs  piled  about  him  onheeded, 
for  he  had  got  hot  and  excited  by  this 
time  and  it  seemed  as  if  Samantha's  very 
camness  madded  him,  and  her  knittin', 
and  her  seamin'  two  and  two,  and  her 
countin'  "  one— two,"  to  herself  once  in 
a  while. 

And  sez  he  agin  in  a  overbearin'  skair- 
ful  voice,  intended  to  intimidate  females, 
"  I  tell  you  it  is  the  had  wimmen  who 
will  rush  to  the  poles,  and  I  can  prove 
what  I  say."  Sez  he,  "  The  meaner  any- 
body is  the  more  and  the  oftener  they 
want  to  vote ;  my  father  is  one  of  the  best 
of  men  and  you  can't  hardly  git  him  to 
stir  his  stumps  'lection  day.    And  my 

[172] 


The  Modern  Wimmen  Condemned 

wife's  father  is  the  meanest  man  in  the 
country  and  he  will  vote  from  mornin' 
till  night  for  either  party  and  sell  his 
vote  where  he  can  git  the  highest  figger 
— (he  don't  live  happy  with  his  wife,  and 
he  went  on)  and  so  will  her  Uncle  Josh 
sell  his  vote  to  anybody  for  a  glass  of 
whiskey,  and  most  all  the  men  on  her 
side  will  sell  their  vote  and  make  money 
by  it.  And  I  know  more'n  a  dozen  men 
right  round  here  who  do  the  same  thing. 
I  don't  spoze  you  wimmen  read  much  of 
any,  but  if  you  did  you'd  see  how  com- 
mon graft  and  fraud  is  in  politics,  all  the 
way  from  Jonesville  to  Washington.  So 
you  see,"  sez  he,  "  I  can  prove  right  out 
what  I  said  that  it  is  the  bad  wimmen 
who  would  vote." 

Samantha  counted  "  two  and  two  "  to 
herself,  and  then  said  in  a  mild  axent, 
"  Why  would  a  bad  woman's  vote  be 
worse  than  a  bad  man's?"  The  Vice 
President  see  in  a  minute  into  what  a 
deep  hole  his  excitement  and  voylent  de- 
sire to  prove  his  argument  had  led  him, 
and  he  acted  sheepish  as  a  sheep. 

[173] 


•  i 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 


I  I 


5 1 


Bat  anon  he  revived  and  ketched  holt 
of  the  first  argument  he  could  lay  his 
hand  on,  to  prop  up  his  side  of  the  ques- 
tion. It  wuz  a  argument  he  had  read 
about,  he  didn't  believe  it  himself,  but 
ketched  at  it  in  his  hurry. 

Sez  he,  "  We  expect  more  from  wim- 
men  than  we  do  from  men ;  they're  nat- 
erally  better  than  men  and  we  want  to 
keep  'em  so,  keep  'em  out  of  the  dirt  of 
public  affairs." 

Sez  Samantha  still  a  knittin'  and  still 
a  lookin'  cam,  "You  must  use  clean 
water  to  cleanse  dirty  things.  I  don't 
believe  as  you  do.  I  think  the  good  qual- 
ities of  men  and  wimmen  would  hefb  jest 
about  equal,  and  need  equal  treatment. 
But  accordin'  to  your  tell  if  men  are  so 
much  worse  than  wimmen  they  need  her 
help  to  clean  up  things." 

Agin  the  Vice  President  see  where  his 
hasty  talk  and  anxiety  to  prove  his  pint 
had  led  him.  He  wiggled  round  in  his 
chair  till  I  trembled  for  the  legs  on  it, 
for  he  wuz  still  leanin'  back  in  it  too  fur 
for  safety.    He  kinder  run  his  hand  up 

[174] 


The  Modern  Wimmen  Condemned 


under  his  hat  and  scratched  his  head, 
hut  didn't  seem  to  root  any  new  idees  out 
of  his  hair,  and  he  finally  give  up,  settled 
his  hat  back  more  firmly  on  his  head 
agin,  let  his  chair  down  sudden  and  got 
up  and  sez : 

"I  come  over  this  mornin'  to  borry 
Josiah^s  sheep  shears." 

And  after  he  went  out  with  'em  I  asked 
Samantha,  "  What  do  you  spoze  the  Vice 
President  wanted  of  sheep  shears  this  time 
of  year  ?  "    And  she  sez : 

"  He  looked  sheepish  enough  to  use 
'em  on  himself." 

Well,  it  wuz  gittin'  along  towards  noon, 
as  I  reminded  Samantha,  and  she  riz  up 
and  put  her  knittin'  work  on  the  man- 
telry  piece,  resoomed  her  gingham  apron 
and  went  out  into  the  kitchen  and  soon 
I  hearn  the  welcome  sounds  so  sweet  to  a 
man's  ear  whether  literary  or  profane, 
that  preperations  wuz  goin'  on  for  a  good 
square  meal. 

And  as  I  set  there  peaceful  and  happy 
in  my  mind  who  should  come  in  but  my 
dear  and   congenial  friend,  Uncle  Sime 

[175] 


a 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

Bentley.  He  had  been  on  a  visit  to 
Illenoy.  And  after  his  first  words  of 
greetin'  and  his  anxious  inquiries  as  to 
how  my  great  work  wuz  progressin'  and 
gittin'  along,  he  went  on  and  gin  me  the 
petickulars  about  his  journey. 

He'd  been  on  a  visit  to  the  city  to  see 
his  nephew,  Bill  Bentley.  Bill  is  well  off 
and  smart,  and  his  father-in-law  is  rich 
and  sent  his  only  child,  Bill's  wife,  to 
college;  "jest  like  a  fool,"  Uncle  Sime 
said.  "  For  what  duz  a  female  want  with 
such  a  eddication."  Sez  he,  "  The  three 
R's,  Readin',  Ritin'  and  Rithmetic  are 
enough  for  her  and  would  be  for  any 
woman  if  they  worked  and  tended  to 
things  as  my  ma^  Bill's  grandma  did. 

"Up  at  four  every  mornin'  summer 
and  winter,  milkin'  five  or  six  cows  and 
then  gittin'  breakfast  for  her  big  fambly, 
hired  men  and  all,  and  doin'  every  mite 
of  the  housework,  and  spinnin',  weavin', 
makin'  and  mendin',  and  takin'  sole  care 
of  her  eight  children,  in  sickness  and 
health,  and  takin'  care  of  her  mother 
who  had  been  as  big  a  worker  and  stay- 

C176] 


The  Modern  Wimmen  Condemned 

at-home  as  she  wuz,  and  who  wuz  now 
melancholy  crazy  in  a  little  room  done 
ofif  the  woodshed. 

"  How  ma  did  work,"  sez  Uncle  Sime 
in  a  reminescin'axent,  "stiddy  at  it  from 
mornin'  till  night,  never  stirrin'  out  of 
the  house  from  year  to  year.  Oh  I  if  she 
could  only  have  lived  to  set  a  sample  for 
Bill's  wife,  and  instruct  her  in  a  wife's 
duty. 

"I  told  Bill  so,"  sez  Uncle  Sime. 
"  And  if  you  please,"  sez  he,  "  Bill  re- 
sented it,  and  said,  ketch  him  a  killin' 
his  wife  with  work  hard  enough  for  four 
wimmen,  and  not  stirrin'  out  of  the  house 
from  year  to  year,  he  thought  too  much 
of  her;  sez  he,  'if  I  wanted  a  slave  I'd 
buy  one  and  pay  cash  for  her.' 

"He  didn't  seem  to  appreciate  ma's 
doin's  no  more  than  nothin',  though  as  I 
told  him.  There  wuz  a  woman  whose 
price  wuz  above  rubies,  so  different  from 
the  slack  forward  wimmen  of  to-day.  So 
retirin',  so  modest  and  womanly,  willin' 
to  work  her  fingers  to  the  bone  and  not 
complain.     Never    puttin'    forward    her 

[177] 


i 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

opinion  about  anything,  always  lookin' 
up  to  pa  and  knowin'  he  wuz  always 
right.  And  if  she  ever  did  seem  curious 
about  anything  outside  her  housework 
and  fembly,  pa  would  shet  her  up  and 
bring  her  back  to  her  duty  pretty  quick. 
Yes  indeed  1  pa  wuz  the  head  of  the 
house,  and  laid  out  to  be.  But  Bill  didn't 
seem  to  have  no  gumption  and  self  re- 
spect at  all,  and  wuz  perfectly  willin'  to 
be  on  equal  terms  with  his  wife.  And 
Bill  told  him  she  had  a  household  allow- 
ance and  a  private  bank  account.  Pri- 
vate bank  account  1  I  told  Bill  it  wuz 
enough  to  make  his  grandma  rise  from 
her  grave  to  see  such  bold  onwomanly 
doin's. 

"  And  Bill  said  *  it  would  be  a  good 
thing  for  her  to  rise,  if  she  could  stay 
up,  for  mebby  she  would  take  a  little 
comfort  and  rest  her  mind  and  her  bones 
a  little,  at  this  epock  of  time.* " 

I  sez,  "  I  spoze,  Simon,  you  didu't  have 
nothin'  fit  to  eat  there  and  everything 
goin'  to  rack  and  ruin  about  the  house." 
"  No,"  Uncle  Sime  said,  "  I    nust  own 
[178] 


The  Modern  Wimmcn  Condemned 

up  that  things  run  pretty  smooth,  and 
Bill's  wife  sot  a  good  table.  They  had  a 
stout  woman  who  helped  about  the  work 
and  takin'  care  of  the  children,  leavin' 
Bill's  wife  free  to  go  round  with  Bill  to 
meetin's  and  clubs  and  a  fishin'  and 
motor  ridin',  and  picknickin'  with  him 
and  the  kids." 

"  I  spoze  she  wuz  high  headed  and  dis- 
agreable,"  sez  I. 

"  No,"  sez  Uncle  Sime,  "  she  wuz  al- 
ways good  natered  and  dressed  pretty, 
and  why  shouldn't  she?  "  sez  he  bitterly, 
"  havin'  her  own  way  and  runnin'  things 
to  suit  herself.  And  why  shouldn't  she 
dress  pretty  ?  Lanchin'  out  and  buyin' 
everything  she  wanted.  Not  curbed 
down  by  Bill,  nor  askin'  a  man's  advice 
at  all  about  her  clothes  or  housen  stuflfso 
fur  as  I  could  see." 

Sez  I,  "  Mebby  Bill  didn't  like  it  so 
well  as  you  thought,  Simon ;  mebby  he 
wuz  chafin'  inside  on  him." 

"No,  he  wuzn't,  he  liked  it,  there's 
one  of  the  pints  I'm  comin'  at,  how  these 
modern  wimmen  will  pull  the  wool  over 

[179] 


I  I 


1  [•,- 


Joriah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

men's  eyes,  no  matter  how  smart  he  is 
naterally.    They  did  seem  to  have  good 
times  together,  laughin'  and  talkin'  to- 
gether, settin'  to  the  table  a  hour  or  so,  a 
visitin'  away  as  if  they  hadn't  seen  each 
other  for  a  month.    But  merciful  heav- 
ens 1  the  subjects  they  talked  on  and  dis- 
cussed overt    It  seemed  that  she  knew 
every  crook  and  turn  on  subjects  that 
Bill's  grandma  never  had  hewrd  on  by 
name.    Hygeen,  books.  Street  Cleanin*, 
Hospital  work,  Charities,  Political  affairs 
from   pole  to  pole  and  Scientific  sub- 
jects—Radium, Electricity,  Spiritualism, 
Woman's  Suffrage,  which  they  both  be- 
lieved in.    There  seemed  to  be  no  end  to 
the  subjects  they  talked  about.    So  differ- 
ent from  pa  and  ma's  talk.    They  eat 
their  meals  in  perfect  and  solemn  silence 
most  all  the  time,  ma  always  waitin'  on 
him.    And  if  she  did  venter  any  remarks 
to  him  they  usually  didn't  fly  no  higher 
than  hen's  eggs  or  neighborhood  doin's. 
Do  you  spoze  that  pa  would  stood   it 
bavin'  a  wife  that  acted  as  if  she  knew 
as  much  as  he  did  ?    Not  much. 

[i8o] 


The  Modern  Wimmen  Condemned 

"Bat  Bill's  wife  wus  right  up  to  snuff 
as  well  informed  as  Bill  wuz,  and  Bill 
didn't  seem  to  know  enough  to  be  jealous 
and  mad  about  a  wife  actin'  as  if  she  wuz 
on  a  equality  with  him.  It  made  me 
ashamed  to  think  a  male  relation  on  my 
own  side  should  act  so  meachin'.  And  in 
one  thing  she  even  went  ahead  of  Bill, 
owin'  to  the  money  men  had  spent  on 
her.  9he  sung  like  a  bird,  and  evenin's 
Bill  would  lay  back  in  his  chair  before 
the  open  fireplace  and  listen  to  her  singin' 
and  playin'  them  old  songs  and  look  at 
her  as  if  he  worshipped  her.  He  didn't 
seem  to  want  to  stir  out  of  the  house 
evenin's  unless  she  went  too,  lost  all  his 
ambition  to  go  out  and  have  a  good  man 
time,  seemed  perfectly  happy  where  he 
wuz.  And  he  used  to  be  a  great  case  to 
be  out  nights  and  act  like  a  man  amongst 
men. 

"But,"  sez  Uncle  Sime,  "I  believe 
that  one  of  the  things  that  galded  me 
most  amongst  all  the  galdin'  things  I  see 
and  hearn  there,  wuz  Bill's  wife's  in- 
dependence in  money  matters.    Economic 

[i8i] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

Independence  I  That  wuz  one  of  her  fool 
idees.  Oh,  how  often  I  thought  of  you, 
Josiah,  and  wished  you  wuz  there  to  put 
down  what  I  see  and  hearn  in  the  beauti- 
ful language  you  know  so  well  how  to 
use." 

My  feelings  wuz  touched  and  I  sez 
solemnly,  "Simon,  I  would  loved  to 
been  there,  and  if  I  couldn't  help  you 
I  could  have  sot  and  sympathized  with 
you." 

Sez  SimoL,  "  Never  once  durin'  them 
six  weeks  I  wuz  there  did  I  see  her  ask 
Bill  for  a  cent,  and  how  well  I  remember," 
sez  Simon, "  when  if  ma  wanted  the  money 
for  a  pair  of  shues,  or  a  gingham  dress  for 
herself,  how  she  would  have  to  coax  pa 
and  git  him  extra  vittles  and  pompey 
him  and  beg  for  the  money  in  such  a 
womanly  and  becomin'  way.  And  some- 
times pa  wuz  real  short  with  her  and 
would  deny  her.  Not  but  what  he  meant 
to  git  'em  in  the  end,  for  he  wuz  a  noble 
man.  But  he  held  off,  wantin'  her  to 
realize  he  wuz  the  head  of  the  fambly, 
and  to  be  looked  up  to." 

[182] 


The  Modern  Wimmen  Condemned 

Sez  Simon,  "  Ma  would  have  to  manage 
every  way  for  days  and  days  to  git  them 
shues  and  that  dress  and  when  he  did  git 
any  clothes  for  her  pa  picked  'em  out 
himself,  for  ma  had  been  brought  up  to 
think  his  taste  wuz  better*n  hern." 

Sez  I, "  Probable  it  wuz  better,  probable 
he  got  things  that  wore  like  iron." 

"  Yes,  he  did,"  sez  Simon,  "  he  did. 
He  rever  cared  so  much  for  looks  as  he 
did  the  solid  wear  of  anything."  And  for 
a  few  minutes  Uncle  Sime  seumed  lost  in 
a  silent  contemplation  of  his  pa's  on- 
common  good  qualities,  and  then  he  re- 
soomed  agin.  "The  news  come  right 
whilst  I  wuz  there,  about  the  leven  hun- 
dred saloons  closed  durin'  the  few  months 
since  wimmen  voted  in  that  state.  And 
Bill  never  resented  it  and  even  jined  in 
with  the  idee  that  it  wuz  owin'  to  wim- 
men's  votes  largely  that  that  and  the 
other  big  temperance  victories  of  late  wuz 
accomplished.  He  didn't  seem  to  have 
no  more  self  respect  than  a  snipe.  And 
if  you'll  believe  it,  Josiah,  Bill's  wife 
made  a  public  speech  right  whilst  I  wuz 

[  183  ] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

there,  sunthin*  about  school  matters  she 
thought  wuz  wrong  and  ort  to  be  set 
right." 

"How  did  Bill  like  that,  Simon?" 
sez  I.  "  I  guess  that  kinder  opened  his 
eyes." 

''  Like  it  1 "  sez  Uncle  Sime  in  a  indig- 
nant axent.  "  Why,  instead  of  actin' 
ashamed  and  resentin'  it  as  a  man  of 
sperit  would,  he  went  with  her  and  made 
a  speech  too,  and  they  carried  the  day 
and  beat  the  side  they  said  wuz  usin'  the 
school  to  make  money.  And  I  hearn  'em 
with  my  own  ears  comin'  in  at  ten  p.  m. 
laughin'  and  jokin'  together  like  two 
kids.  Makin'  a  speech  before  men  1  Oh, 
what  would  Bill's  great-grandma  thought 
on't?  She'd  say  she  had  reason  for  her 
melancholy  madness,  and  his  grandma 
would  say  she  wuz  glad  she  wuz  dead." 

"  Most  probable  that  is  so,  Simon,"  sez 
I,  sympathizin'  with  him.  "  As  I've  in- 
timidated to  you  before,  Simon,  time  and 
agin,  this  is  a  turrible  epock  of  time  us 
male  men  are  a  passin'  through,  jest  like 
a  see-saw  gone  crazy,  wimmen  up  and 

[184] 


l-i 


The  Modern  Wimmen  Condemned 

stayin'  up,  and  men  down  and  held  down. 
But  wait  till  my  great  work  agin  Female 
SuflTrage  is  lanched  onto  the  world  and 
then  see  what  will  happen,  and  jest  as 
soon  as  I  git  a  little  ahead  with  my  out- 
door work  I'm  a  goin'  to  lanch  it.  Then 
will  come  the  upheaval  and  the  crash, 
follered  by  peace  and  happiness.  Men 
will  resoom  their  heaven-born  station  as 
rulers  and  protectors  of  the  weaker  sect, 
and  females  will  sink  down  agin  into 
hern,  lookin'  up  to  man  as  their  nateral 
gardeens  and  masters." 

"  Ma  knowed  it  in  her  day  and  prac- 
ticed it,"  sez  Simon.  "  And  pa  knowed 
it  and  acted  his  part  nobly.  Ma  wuz  so 
retirin'  and  so  womanly.  Why,  if  once 
in  a  great  while  she  took  it  in  her  head 
to  ask  about  such  things  as  Bill's  wife 
boldly  lectured  about,  do  you  spoze  she'd 
go  before  any  strange  man  to  talk  out 
about  it  ?  No,  she  would  always  ask  pa  to 
explain  it  to  her.  And  I  remember  well 
how  kinder  wishful  and  wonderin'  her 
eyes  looked  and  yet  timid  and  becomin'. 
And  pa  actin'  his  part  in  life  as  a  man  of 

[185] 


Josiah  Allen  on  the  Woman  Question 

sperit  should,  would  most  always  tell  her 
to  tend  to  her  housework  and  let  men 
run  them  things.  But  if  he  did  feel  good 
natered  and  explain  'em  to  her  she  took 
his  word  for  law  and  gospel  and  acted 
meek  and  grateful  to  him. 

"  Yes,  pa  wuz  to  the  head  of  his  house 
and  kep'  females  down  where  they  be- 
longed, and  her  actions  wuz  a  pattern  for 
wimmen  to  foUer.  And  it  wuz  such  a 
pity  and  a  wonder  that  she  had  to  die  so 
early,  only  thirty  years  old  when  the 
Lord  took  her  before  her  virtues  wuz 
known  to  the  world  at  large. 

"  I  remember  well  the  night  she  passed 
away,"  sez  Simon,  in  a  softer  remines- 
cener  azent. 

"  She  wanted  her  bed  drawed  up  to  the 
open  winder.  And  she  lay  lookin'  up  to 
the  full  moon  and  stars  a  shinin'  in  the 
great  clear  sky.  She  looked  up  and  up 
and  kinder  smiled  and  sez  in  a  sort  of  a 
wishful,  wonderin'  axents : 
•"Oh,  how  big  I  And  how  free  I' 
"  And  I  always  spozed  she  meant  sun- 
thin'  about  how  big  pa  wuz,  and  how  free 

[i86] 


The  Modern  Wimmen  Condemned 

to    understand    things   she  didn't,  and 
hadn't  ort  to." 

Sez  I,  "I  hain't  a  douht,  Simon,  but 
that  wuz  what  she  meant,  not  a  doubt 
on't  I " 


raiNTBO  IN  TRB  UMITBO  STATES  OP  AMBBICA 


[187] 


ncnoN 


TkfMasttrtftitOtM* 


CAROUNE  ABBOT  STANLEY 

The  Keeper  of  the  Vineyard 

A  Tale  of  the  Ozarks.    Illustrated,  |i^5  net 
Thta  Btonr  of  s  "rettim  to  natare,"  VOm  the  aathor's  " 

Sf  ^^"^  Oiariw,  a  ncltinK  sot  whmin  thoM  wbo  leek 
the  lolace  of  nature  and  a  hvinc  from  the  aoil  fuse  their  liyca 
with  the  nativea  of  the  Hills  in  the  eoounon  quest  for  Lherty 
and  education,  love  and  life. 

NORMAN  HINSDALE  PITMAN 

The  Lady  Elect 

A  Chinese  Romance    Illustrated  by  Chinese  art- 
ists,   lamo.  cloth,  net  $1.25. 

of  the  highest  authorities  on  "Things  Chinese"  pronounce 
«  '•jflSfy  •  'emarkable  combination  of  the  rarest  and  most 
irresistible  tjrpe  of  pure  romance  and  the  truest  and  most 
realistic  delineation  of  Chinese  life.  Ihe  aovcltr  of  tho 
setting  and  the  situations  wiU  win  the  instant  ^tproral  of 
the  lover  of  good  fiction. 

RICHARD  S.  HOLMES 

Bradford  Horton:  Han 

A  Novel.    i2mo,  doth,  net  $1.25. 

Dr.  Holmes  made  a  distinct  place  for  himself  amanc 
"'j^.^i  good  fiction  with  his  earlier  stories,  "The  VictorT* 
and  "The  Maid  of  Honor."  Competent  critics  pronounea 
this  new  story  the  author's  best.  Ihe  hero  is  a  man's  man 
who  wins  instant  admiration.  Originality  of  humor,  reality 
of  pathos,  comedy  and  heart  tragedy  are  woven  into  the  story. 

MARIETTA   HOLLEY         (Josiak  AUm'i  Wift) 

Samantha  on  the  Woman  Question 

Illustrated,  i2mo,  cloth,  net  $1.00, 

For  an  entire  generation  Marietta  Holley  has  been  enter- 

*ir'iK-r5..'*""j*..o  «^  humor.  "My  (>»inion  and  Betsy 
Bobbitts"  and  "Samantha  at  the  CentenniaP  made  her  name 
a  household  word.  This  last  volume  is  not  only  timely  but 
with  all  Its  facetiousness,  keen  and  telling  in  iu  advocacy  of 
Votes  for  Women"  and  Temperance.  It  equala  aayttiiM 
the  author  has  produced. 

CHARLES  H.   LERRIGO 

I>oc  Williams 

A  Tale  of  the  Middle  West.    Illustrated,  net  $1.25. 

"y^f  homely  humor  of  the  old  doctor  and  his  childliha 


faith  in  'the  cure'  is  so  intensely  huina'n  That  "he  upturM 
the  layman  at  o:^ce — a  sympathy  that  ba> 


the  sympathy  of  mc  layman  ai  oT^cc — a  sympatBy  ta 
comes  the  deepest  sort  of  interest."— Ta^fA*  CapM. 


FICTION.  JUVENILE 


KBNRT  OTIS  DmCHT 

A  Muslim  Sir  Galahad 

clol^3lJ.<S^  ^^^'^  *»'  ^"^  ^"  Turkey.    ,^0. 
tA  !^t?JL*'!!?-5fPi^"*?"  world.  wWch  licldi  the  read- 

addition  to  niMionary  narration  and  in\i«r  of  ?^e«  SZ 
tentioua  eventt  in  tha  near  East  a  tinel?  and  «SeptSk  wS?k. 

CHARLES  H.  I.ERRIGO 

I>oc  Williams 

A  Tale  of  the  Middle  West    lamo,  doth,  net  $1.25. 

™-i?*  ^?^  "'.■  "«'«>ctor  of  tiie  old  Mbool"  with  everv  ele- 

jui    suspenic.      me    sentiment   and    •UKsestion    and    nwflnw 
SeuLW  *"•*   '""  '"  *•"'""«••  the'^orr.re"2lto^?heT 

/•  r.  THURSTON 

The  Toich  Bearer 

A  Camp  Fire  Girls'  Story.    Illustrated,  net  ii.oa 

Ihe  author  of  "The  Bishop's  Shadow"  and  "The  Scout 
Master  of  Troop  s  "  ha,  «»red  another  cowpicuoussuccew 
in  thia  new  storjr  of  girl  life.    She  shows  condusivelv  th.t  .1,^ 

r1?i."  il'L'^''*'''*'.  I**"**  "•«'  P'^ctlces  of  "The  Camp  Fire 
chi^     *  *°'"°  ^^  ■  **^  "*  surpasaing  inteiSrt  and 


SOCIOLOGY  AND  PRACTICAL  REUGION 

PROF.  GIOVANNI  LUZZI^  fl.D. 

The  Struggrle  for  Christian  Trutii  in  Italy 

8vo,  cloth,  net  $i.sa 

The  author  tracea  the  history  of  Christianltr  in  Ital»  from 
ts  dawn  in  Rome,  through  the  Protestant  dy^dop^/t  %S^ 
ihf  Wow"'*-  '"•1°/^  .°*  *'•*  B''>'«  in  Italy,  the  founSiM  of 
twal^'f  *'',8oo  "  thi"Sd?.  'S°P«i  **''  AIps^' the  relS.'  re- 

Catholic  Church  back  to  the  simpUdty  of  olriS. 


